Love, Unexpected
by crazierthanu
Summary: Edward Cullen wanders into a Starbucks and has an encounter with a woman slightly older than himself. There's something about those eyes of hers...draws him inexplicably to him...she's dumbfounded and lonely.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Stephanie Myers owns all things Twilight. I'm just borrowing Edward for my little daydream. *Sigh***

I don't want to live this way anymore. Reality bites. All I want to do is close my eyes and continue with my daydream. I'm just basically going through the motions of everyday life. Cleaning. Cooking. Laundry. I used to love TV. I don't care anymore. At all. I do it so that they won't think I've gone nuts.

I never go downtown, especially by myself, but I have this certificate for a haircut at a salon in the trendy area of Toronto-Yorkville. I called and made the appointment. I almost made it to the spot. I just couldn't make one foot step in front of the other to make it up the stairs to their front door. I'm too embarrassed. Surely they've never seen anyone so hideous. They'll laugh behind the mirrors at me. Did you see her? Can you believe someone who looks like that has the nerve to go out in public? What could she possibly be thinking?

Nope, couldn't do it. Part of me thinks, who cares what anybody thinks. What does it really matter?

I'm sort of numb as I walk down Yonge Street. My mind is blank. There are so many people walking in both directions. I'm not really walking with the flow, so people are passing by me, exasperated. I'm sorry. I want to stop, but where? There's no place that's not going to block these robots, going to work or shopping.

Shopping…there must be a mall soon. I can duck in there and stop. My feet hurt. My heart is pounding in my chest - anxiety again. Relax, it'll be over soon. Where is it? It's taking so long. This section doesn't feel safe. I remember walking along here a few years ago with my daughter, looking for the Eaton Center. I remember now, it was a really long walk. And I remember thinking that I didn't feel good in this part of town. It can't be that much farther…

I found a Starbucks! I'll have a coffee, by myself. Of course. I did bring a magazine to read, for the train ride.

Oh no, it's almost my turn. Anxiety.

I never know how or what to order. And there's never enough time to read the board for the selections. Tall, Grande, Vente? Cappuccino, Americano, Caramel Macchiato? Frappachino? What the hell were they thinking when they made up their menu? Do they want to make people look like idiots? They must. Maybe there are hidden cameras and they have a big laugh on their training sessions or staff meetings.

I try to order the same thing every time. That way I can't screw it up. Tall cappuccino wet. Oh, right-tall wet cappuccino. Wrong again.

There's a chair that's free! Really? I can't believe it. That never happens. Can I get to it before someone else can grab it?

Waiting for my beverage. Grande non-fat latte? Nope. Vente chai latte? No, not mine. Grande dry cappuccino? Close enough, I'll take it.

The chair is still open. It's in the corner, perfect. Now I can just melt into the background and read or watch the people come and go.

They all seem to know what they're ordering. How do they do it? I'm envious.

My mind is wandering, but I notice some kind of hub-bub starting in the café. There's a pile of people walking in. They're like brick wall of massive men to whomever they're surrounding.

What are they doing in here? They're scanning everybody in the place. The counter staff is suddenly looking very nervous and are gathering together so they all can hear the order.

It looks like they might all try to be the first to complete the order. That's really weird. But then again, this is downtown. Maybe it's someone well known. I can't see past the wall.

Oh well, maybe I'll ask someone before I leave. It'd be good to have an interesting story to tell when I get home. Home. Although there's nobody there anymore. Just the cat. She just wants to eat all the time. That's all she needs me for. I start to read my magazine, while sipping at my…whatever.

"Excuse me, can I use this chair?" It was a quiet, warm voice. I don't know if I should look up. He might not be talking to me.

Is there a chair at this table? I snuck a peak without lifting my head. There is. I lift my chin just a bit. I nod.

I caught a tiny glimpse of him. A young man. Nice looking. "Thank you," he said. I gave a slight grin, maybe not a grin so much as lifting the corners of my mouth slightly.

I love music. "Leave out all the Rest" by Linkin Park is playing on the music system in the café. I don't know why that's registering in my brain.

He sat down at my table. He had a tea. Grande? Tall? Vente? Earl Grey? Chai? Rooibos? I continued to read my book.

One of the guard is standing in close proximity to this man sitting across from me. I don't think anyone can see him through their girth. I can't see past them. That's kind of annoying. I did want to people watch in between my reading, in case there was someone who caught my eye. I cast my eyes down to hide my frustration.

"I'm sorry, do you mind if I sit here?" His voice was so smooth, like someone on the radio.

"Sure, no problem," I said, "I was about to leave, anyway." I really wasn't ready at all. I'm a slow drinker and I wasn't even half-way.

He sipped at his tea, clearly his mind on other faraway things.

**Stop staring at him, you idiot.** He's quite handsome. **You'll scare him**. Put your head down and leave. I felt awkward and a little put off by the intrusion to my little piece of sanity. I started to rise up out of my comfortable chair.

I'll find somewhere else to sit, maybe I'll walk to the small park-like place near the CBC building, or there might be something to sit on near the Convention Center.

Ugh. More crowds. What time of day isn't it crowded? I can't walk fast because my coffee would spill. Thankfully it wasn't far. I walked in through the first door, which I thought was the Center, but it was the hotel right beside it.

I remembered this place. I've stayed here lots of times. I wonder if they'd mind if I just sat for a few minutes. They might not notice, or might just think that I'm one of their guests. I could eat something at their bistro, just so I didn't feel guilty.

I'll finish my coffee first. This is a great place to people watch as well, but with more room than the coffee shop. I pulled out my magazine again. After I finished my coffee, I thought I should find the restrooms and then head over to the bistro. They were downstairs, by way of the escalators.

As I was riding the stairs, a group of men were coming up in the other direction. They looked familiar. Oh no! It was that bizarre entourage again, from Starbucks. Before I could look away, a pair of large green eyes caught mine. I couldn't drop my gaze. He nodded and gave a half smile in recognition, I think. I'm not sure, but I think I might have lifted the corners of my mouth to attempt a smile, but it might not have been in time for him to see it.

Damn. I'm stupid. Why would he care? Why couldn't I just not look and save myself the embarrassment? Shit.

The restrooms were empty. Good. As I walked out a few people were walking toward the men's room.

I looked up again. No!

What is happening? Why do I keep running into this guy? He didn't see me this time.

I'm getting out of this place. I think I can get over to the ice rink through the underground parking garage. I see the signs…

"Miss? Miss!" Someone touched my arm. Oh crap! Did I do something wrong? He looked like security from the hotel. Maybe they'd noticed me sitting in the lobby and that was not kosher with them. What will I say?

An apology was probably the best plan. "I'm sorry if I was trespassing or something, I just needed to sit for a few minutes. I won't do it again." I wanted the tiles to disappear from underneath my feet and fall into the earth.

"No, Miss. I'm not with the hotel." He looked a little bit confused.

Oh, double crap! He's going to hurt me. I don't know any self-defense. There's not a soul nearby, so yelling would be useless. I'll just give him my purse. Surely, he wouldn't want anything else from me. I could try and make a run for it, back up the escalator.

"I'm sorry to disturb you, Miss. I'm sorry if I've made you nervous. I'd like to introduce myself. I'm Jasper and I'm with the gentleman you met at Starbucks. He'd like it if you'd care to join him for a minute in the Bistro upstairs."

"Ummm…I don't know…why? I don't even know who he is. I don't think so. Thank you. Thank him. Very much." I started to try to pass him to reach the escalator.

He grabbed my arm lightly again. "Please. He'd be very disappointed if you didn't come."

He looked amazingly friendly now. I couldn't imagine why that young man wanted to see me. Maybe I left something at the table back at Starbucks? That must be it.

"Okay, for just a minute." This man, Jasper, turned and walked away, expecting me to follow. I could just turn and go the other way…but now I'm kind of curious. What did I leave? I started to peek into my purse while I was walking, to see what could be missing.

Before I knew it, we had reached the Bistro and he walked me into the far corner where I saw a couple of the same body-builders from Starbucks. There was a table behind them, hidden from everything else, where he was sitting, looking intently at his phone, or I-phone maybe.

I stood by the table, ready to leave as soon as he allowed it. I cleared my throat, but it didn't make enough noise to alert him to my presence. I should just leave. It doesn't really matter what I'd left behind. I can live without it.

I forced my body to turn in order to walk away. My 'friend' , Jasper, was right behind me and I practically smacked into his cement truck of a body. Umph!

I turned back around to face the table. He was now looking up at me, grinning, practically from ear to ear. Ok, now I'm the joke. That's why I'm here. He thought I was funny looking. I frowned.

"Yes? Did I leave something at the last table?"

"No, why would you think that? I'm sorry, it must be super weird to you, what with my entourage and all. I should perhaps introduce myself…I'm… Edward Cullen." He held out his hand to mine. I returned the gesture.

"Ummm...I'm Tracy," I thought about giving him a fake name. Who would be the wiser? But I couldn't think fast enough to sound convincing.

"How do you do?" My hand lingered in his cool long hand, and shook it gently. "Please have a seat."

"I don't understand why you asked me to come…" I stammered, getting very nervous. What could he possibly want from me?

"I'm sorry if I am doing this all wrong…"

What is he doing all wrong? My head is spinning now. It's not making sense to me.

_**A/N: Since this is my very first FanFic, please...please be kind.**_

_**So here's the 'Drill'...Click...Tap...Tap...Tap...**_

_**...Review...Damn it!**_


	2. Chapter 2

_**DISLCAIMER: The world knows it…S. Myers, Queen of Twilight, owns it all…**_

_**The TV is on. The Learning Channel. A small couple and their reality show. It looks interesting. I have the headphones on and Muse is playing Supermassive Black Hole. Love that song. I have to look normal for awhile, in front of my daughter. It's almost bedtime.**_

I know that every now and then something is familiar and it feels like I'm stealing someone's lines from a show or a play or a movie. What the hell am I doing here? Where is here exactly?

"Please have a seat. Would you like something to eat or drink?" He crooned, jolting me out of my inner musings. His voice was music in my ears. My brain felt like it was waking up, cell by almost dead cell. He was looking at me, slight amusement in his eyes. And then he lifted his eyes, as if to ask the question silently, again.

"Ummm…ok…I'll have some water." I needed water! A lot of water! My mouth was so dry, no sound would escape past my windpipe.

The server came and he ordered water, for both of us. It came unbelievably fast. I downed the water too fast. Was it awkward? Crap. I'm embarrassing myself again.

I am desperate to leave. Now. I feel sick. My bowels growled, as if on cue. I hope nobody heard that. My body was against me. **Please make it stop**.

"Are you sure I couldn't order a bit of something for you, maybe a wrap or bagel?"

"Thank you, but no, I have to get going. By the way, why do you have these bodyguards? Is someone trying to kill you?"

He let out a surprised laugh. A few of the entourage let out a barely audible snicker as well. What? I didn't realize I'd become a stand-up comic today.

He put his fingers on the top of my hand, which was resting on the table, as I was about to stand up again.

Please don't touch…my stomach flipped and a spark went through me. Now I was paralyzed, I think. He took my flinch as a sign that I didn't appreciate the gesture, and retreated it.

"Can we start again?"

Okay. Why can't he just let me go? What am I doing that isn't giving him the right message? Oh yeah, I was still here.

He stood up. He held his hand out to take mine again. "Hello. My name is Edward. May I sit at your table?" He was charming.

"Sure. I'm… Tracy. Sure."

I let him shake my hand. I'm sure I'm turning 26 different shades of red right now. **Calm down, stupid. This will be over soon. You're leaving in one minute. You're not setting yourself up for the biggest fall of your life. Why do people want to hurt you all the time?** Is trying to be invisible not possible?

"What do you do for work, Tracy?" His voice was so kind. It was like a spider, enticing his prey to come to his web, for the kill.

"I work at an office here downtown. Just a doctor's office. What do you do?"

A slow smile spread across his face, to include his eyes, and he hesitated.

What? What did I say? I'm obviously missing some vital piece of information.

"I'm… in the entertainment field," he said cautiously. "Actually I act in movies." He waited for my reaction.

What kind of reaction should I give him? Should I act amazed? …in awe?…blasé?….doubtful? I think my face gave me away, showing all of these expressions, in order. Crap. Why can't I act?

"You don't believe me?" He was smiling coyly. He was toying with me now. I wasn't giving him the satisfaction.

"That's great. Is it interesting work? I love movies. What have you been in?"

He looked at me in awe. He might have been doubting my naivete, because he just waited, without answering. Maybe he was trying to think of some fictitious film to impress me with. But when he named it, I didn't know it.

"Are you sure?" He taunted, incredulous.

"Pretty sure, though sometimes I forget the names of movies I've seen. You're pretty young, is it a kids' movie?"

Now the entourage was all laughing louder than before. What? I didn't know it, ok? Is everyone on this planet supposed to know this guy? I guess I've been out of the loop for a long time. Okay a really long, long time.

"That's ok. It's probably just not your type of movie. I guess it is for a different demographic. I don't know…" he was struggling with this answer. Hah! I finally had him. Ok time to leave.

"Thank you for the…um…water." I started to rise. He stood up as well, a sign of good manners.

"Please, may I have your phone number? I don't mean to be so forward, but I don't often get the chance to socialize outside of my work. And if you're not interested, I'll understand…," he said, embarrassed, giving a half smile, which was quite adorable.

He was younger. Why was I even considering this? What could giving him my number hurt? I didn't have to do anything, not even answer it. I guess my hesitancy gave him the impression that I would.

He took his phone and tapped away at it for a few seconds, and then looked at me expectantly.

"Your number?"

I stuttered a bit and gave it to him. He immediately hit send and my cell was chirping a Coldplay song.

I was embarrassed, but fished it out of my purse. "Now you have my number!" He said triumphantly.

"Umm, ok, thanks. Bye."

He took my hand up to his lips. They were incredibly warm. Wasn't this a bit much? Who kisses a stranger's hand? Was he trying to slay me with one fell swoop?

I somewhat stumbled my way through the tables and random people in the Bistro. I found the exit. **I'm almost out**. Get to the outside. I need air…lots of air. Where and when am I? Think.

_**A/N: Okay…let me have it…**_

_**The 'Drill' – remember it? Click…Tap…Tap…Tap**_

_**(oh brother…you guys are slow!)**_


	3. Chapter 3

_**DISCLAIMER: Yeah, yeah…Steph, the Queen…all Twilight..blah..blah..blah**_

_**I just wanna have some fun with Edward. *drools***_

_**Okay, so I had this thought after reading other FF stories…Edward's Point of View. Might be interesting. Don't know if it'll work. Please give feedback. I know it's not in the English as he would be talking, so forgive me.**_

EPOV

I am suffocating. The constant crush of fans. I get it that they want to talk to me, touch me, get me to sign something, their bodies, but…really. Really?

Do they really think I'd drop everything and grab them and kiss them or ask for their number? I'd love to see what would actually happen if I did do that. Would one intelligent, coherent thought come out of their mouths?

I was really just trying to make a somewhat decent living by acting. I never in my wildest dreams thought that this would happen to me. It's bizarre.

It's so hard to adjust to not being normal. Always having someone around to protect me from the fans.

And the paparazzi…don't get me started on them. They are quite possibly even nuttier than the fans. Here I am, in Toronto, Canada and haven't seen one single sight. It's supposed to have the tallest building in the world. Oh wait, I think there is a new record holder, in Dubai, or somewhere. Anyway, I'd cut my hair just to be able to go up there – alone.

I'll have to settle on dashing into a Starbucks with my entourage. I don't think anyone has followed me in here. Yet.

Uh oh – the counter kids are suddenly realizing who I am. Great. I just order the same thing every time – can't go wrong that way. Why does Starbucks have their own language, anyway? And they think my English is weird.

Can I actually just sit and enjoy the tea for once? Maybe for a few minutes? Before the staff start texting all their friends and then they start appearing out of the woodwork.

There's only one chair, but it's across from a woman, sitting by herself, reading. I hope she won't mind. She doesn't look up as I ask her permission to sit down at her table. She nods and I think she smiles slightly. I don't want to bother her.

Mmmm…I am knackered. This tea is going to hit the spot. It's not as good as English tea, but beggars can't be choosers.

There's music playing real loud. I love this band. I miss playing in front of an audience. I wanted to play clubs in Europe. But shit happens. I'm not meaning to sound ungrateful, but it's been trying. I'm getting kinda used to it, slowly.

I'm just lonely. My family can't be with me all the time. They have lives of their own. A lot of the girls I've worked with are pretty selfish and vain. It's hard to build something real when they never really connect with me in a purely normal fashion. Sometimes they just want to be seen with me to further their own careers. I'm tired of it.

Oh, she's getting up. She looks a bit ticked. She says she was finished anyway. Oh I feel bad. I ruined her little piece of sanity. The worshipped cup of java. She didn't even look at me for more than 2 seconds. That's different. Why can't I find someone truly oblivious to my fame? It would be so normal.

Normal. I crave normal sometimes. Wish I could buy normal.

Okay, now teenagers are starting to show up. Now I'm thankful for my 'guard'. They would be able to stop an armored tank. I guess it's time to leave. I'll head over to my hotel, I guess. And watch TV or go on the Internet. Again.

The 'guards' are at least 4 inches taller than me, which is saying a lot. I don't think anyone would be able to see me in the middle of them. I feel safe, albeit stupid. Sort of like being walked to school by my mother when I was young.

We had to find an alternate route, as the main entrance to the hotel was teeming with teenagers. We went down some stairs across the street and through a parking lot entrance. Then, as we were riding the escalator, I caught a glimpse of the woman from Starbucks going the opposite direction.

I don't know why I did it, but I smiled at her by reflex. She sort of smiled back. She had really beautiful dazzling blue eyes. How could I have noticed that in such a short glance? Now I'm thrown. What was it about her?

"Jasper, can you please track down that woman and ask her to join me in the bistro?"

He looked at me like I was insane. I'd never ever done this before.

"I don't think that would be a good idea, Edward," he curtly replied.

"Please. Just do it. She's harmless." I wasn't taking orders from anyone. I'll see who I want to see. I don't know why I want to see her again. Maybe just to apologize for intruding on her private time back at Starbucks.

I felt kind of tense and nervous all of a sudden. Strange feeling. What would I actually tell her? Would she come?

She doesn't know who I am. Brilliant. She does not know who I am. I sat at a table in a corner with the 'guard' surrounding me. I can't see past them.

And all of a sudden, she's standing in front of me. She looks nervous. I apologize for my previous intrusion. She asks if I had picked up something she left behind.

Then she wondered if I was in danger of being killed. She has a wit about her. I like that. I want to touch her hand, so I introduce myself, and shake her warm, soft hand. She's so shy, like I used to be before I couldn't be me anymore. She's normal. I crave normal.

So…? Before my brain catches up to my mouth, I'm asking for her phone number. What am I doing? Am I insane? Why would she want to go out with someone with this kind of baggage?

She looks at me with her dazzling, sky blue eyes, quizzically. I've made a tragic error in judgment. She's going to think I'm some kind of egomaniac, out to get with every woman I see. I'm truly not like that. But then she shrugs her shoulders, takes my cell and inputs her number. Wow. She's either brave or as insane as I am.

I didn't know what to do, so I hit send and it made her cell phone go off in her purse. Did I just give her my phone number? What am I thinking? I don't want her to know how utterly disoriented she's made me and what crazy things were going through my head right now.

Something about those eyes…and her obvious lack of confidence. It made me protective and I didn't want to hurt her in any way.

**A/N: Okay I'm treading water…a slow, slow tide is coming…**

**Ok, people…you know what I'm about to say…the 'Drill'! What is it?**

**DO IT!**


	4. Chapter 4

_**DISCLAIMER: Ms. Meyers owns the Twilight world. Yup. Nuff said? **_

_**It hurts but Edward is not mine, never will be...only in my dreams...yours too? If you hate it, let me know, it's ok. You won't have to see me cry...**_

_**I have revamped (hah!) my story…finally got some advice on how to make this fic better…hopefully y'all will think so, too!**_

I found my way to the train station somehow. I was still a lot stunned by my afternoon's events. What had just happened? Who was this younger man, who now has my phone number on his phone? And I have his on mine? Wow.

My train was waiting at the track and I had to hustle to reach it in time, but I did. It was really crowded. Rush hour-so much fun. Standing the whole way home.

Home? **Get yourself together. Come on...Tracy...Snap out of it.** What should I make for dinner? It always helps if I pre-plan. Otherwise I don't eat until 8 or 9. Something relatively easy, so I wouldn't have to think too much.

I walked down to the lower level and found a vacant seat. There was an older woman sitting there with her purse on her lap. Her eyes were closed. Was she alive? What a dumb thing to wonder. I don't think she'd be still sitting if she wasn't, right? She was most likely tired from her hectic day.

Everybody has hectic days. Weird days, like mine. Was that real?

Just then my cell phone started chirping. I hate that when it happens in public places, so I usually put it on mute, but I must have forgotten. I could try and ignore it, but it was pretty loud.

I fished around in my purse and found it. I tried to look at the screen while not taking it out of my purse and pressing any button on the side to make the sound stop.

I looked at the screen, dumbfounded. 'Cullen'. What? No way!

It had stopped ringing and just showed up as a missed call. Was I going to return the call? Here? Now?

I couldn't talk here, I'd be too paranoid about others hearing or bothering them with my inane babble.

It finally stopped. Phew!

It went off again! Oh no! Press the button. Quick! I struggled to put it into silent mode. There. I was shaking on the inside now.

I could feel the panic begin and my hands were starting to shake. Oh no, not here in front of people. I worked out my stress relief exercises in my head and managed to calm myself down.

It was probably the slowest train ride I've ever experienced. I was all nerves, all the way home. I couldn't think straight.

What was I going to do? Why would he be calling? What could he possibly want from me? I'm so much older and definitely not in the same league... **Forget about it. Don't worry, you don't have to do anything.**

I finally arrived at my station and found my car. I'm not sure if I could figure out the way home, through this mass of jumbled thoughts, clouding my sight.

I needed a coffee. Full-caff'ed. Drive-thru was not too busy. Fortunately my car practically knows the way home by itself from here and I was miraculously home before I knew it.

I opened my side door, struggling with trying to fit the key in the lock, as usual. The cat came to greet me, or it was just that she wanted food, now. Ok, ok, Bella, I'll get it. You are pretty bossy, for a 6 pound feline. She is gorgeous though. Her purring was really loud.

I sat down on the couch, alone. Oh yeah, I should put the microware dinner in to cook. Not really hungry, though. My insides were in knots.

Knots. Oh, yeah. Suddenly I remembered about the phone call again. How in the world could I forget? Should I just ignore it? Maybe he won't bother again.

Maybe I should text him. Before I finished that thought it buzzed twice. A text message. "Please answer." Uh oh. It was going to buzz…any second…

I picked it up, looking at the screen. Breathe. "Hello."

"Tracy?"

"Yes."

"It's Edward - from this afternoon," he assumed I would remember…vain," Yes. So I was thinking…I could pick you up and we could see a movie? What do you think?"

What? A movie? With me? With him?

"Ummm...oh, I don't know. I don't really know you and…"

"I know, I know. This is an awkward way of going about this type of thing, but as I said before I have difficulty in doing things the normal way due to my, um, situation."

He sounded so apologetic, that I felt it would be mean to deny him some normal time, even if it was with me. Maybe it felt so normal to him, with me and I don't know… my lack of self-confidence.

Maybe it was easy to manipulate someone like me to his agenda. Didn't matter who I was, really. That was probably an accurate assessment.

I didn't know what to say. How do I save myself from embarrassment? How do I save him from embarrassment? I didn't know how to do this.

Surely he has people, even the men that surround him, who would be willing to accompany him anywhere he wanted to go. And there were probably hundreds, perhaps thousands of willing young women out there, too.

The more I thought about it, the more intrigued I was with the whole prospect of seeing him again.

He was pretty incredible looking, which is why I couldn't get why he asked me. Maybe it was because I didn't know who he was and didn't react the way other women did.

"Well? What do you say? Please say you'll come with me." He pleaded after waiting an unreasonable amount of time waiting for my psycho-babble to cease. He was really good at that.

I was wondering if I should just let him experience embarrassment and that would cure him of doing this to any other unsuspecting, innocent nobody. Or anyone, like me. Why couldn't it have been some other normal person on the street? Usually people ignored my presence. My luck, I guess. I attracted bad luck.

"Umm...ok." I needed more time to figure out how to get out of this. I'll stall until then.

"Fantastic! I'll come to pick you up tomorrow…is that ok for you? Will you be downtown tomorrow afternoon? We could meet at the same hotel you were at this aft'."

"Umm...yes. I'll be downtown tomorrow."

"Just come when you're done work. I'll figure things out on my end after that. See you then!" He almost sounded happy.

Maybe he was planning on setting me up. People as good looking as that sometimes enjoy making others, less so, feel worthless. Was he one of those? I don't know this man at all.

An actor. What does that mean? I'll have to Google him. Good idea. Where did I leave that computer?

The phone rang… again. Couldn't be…it wasn't. It was my daughter. She was checking in on me.

"How was your week? Anything exciting happen?"

"Well…" I couldn't tell her this stuff. She'd be disgusted. A younger man! Mom, really! How could you even think of doing that? She'd be so embarrassed. She'd think I'd gone completely insane!

I couldn't let her in on my secret life. My secret life? I think I must be mad to even entertain the idea of going on this date.

"No, nothing exciting." I lied. Nothing usually happened any other week, thus far. Ever since her dad left me, my life had ceased to be anything interesting. But today was…interesting. And tomorrow?

I spent the rest of the evening on the computer. Google-ing Edward Cullen revealed something so surprising that I wanted to call and cancel with him pronto.

He was huge. His movies were the biggest box office draws of the past few years. I was so confused, couldn't breathe evenly, my head was spinning.

Ok, I must be dreaming, or it was a nightmare, from which I'd wake up in a full sweat, screaming in the middle of the night. No such luck. How was I ever going to get sleep now?

XXXXX

When I woke up in the morning I was mad that I'd fallen asleep so soon after my head hit the pillow again. I'd wanted to dream my impossible dreams more in depth. Linger on the impossible. Time to get up to go to work. Feed the cat, who woke me up several times through the night clawing at my closed bedroom door. So annoying. Routine, go with the routine. Had to keep pretending to have my act together.

**A/N: Well…is Tracy messed up or what? Can you wrap your head around her being 'older' than Edward? Please try...**

**The 'Drill" …DO IT!**


	5. You're Going to Wind up in the ER

_**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN TWILIGHT, NOR DID I CREATE IT!**_

_**Yes, ok, I'm in love with Edward, who is so not mine, but the goddess Stephanie's. Damn, she's good. kneeling down to her **_

_Sleep evaded me and I was a right mess in the morning. I was thinking I'd call in a sick day. I hadn't used up many of those this year. It wouldn't be a big deal. _

_In the light of day, I knew what I also had to do. I picked up my cell from the night table and stared at it for what was surely 5 minutes. I hated making phone calls normally, and I was not sure I could do this. I had to cancel this ludicrous "date"._

_Maybe I'd wait a bit, it was still early. After I called in sick, I went back to bed. Surprised, I awoke to my phone singing. Without thinking, I picked it up and answered, "Hello." My voice cracked a bit._

"_Tracy? Is that you?" _

"_Umm…yes." Oh no, I'm not ready to do this! Think. What and how am I going to say this?_

"_Oh, hi - thought it was someone else for a sec'. Good morning. Sorry to bother you at work."_

"_Oh, I didn't go in today. I think I'm sick. Sorry, but I have to cancel our..um..plans."_

"_What? Oh, no. Really? Well perhaps tomorrow, then. It's just that I'm not in town for too much longer, and… I…" He seemed at a loss there, and I didn't help out at all by saying nothing._

"_Tomorrow… probably not a good idea, I could still be catching." Yeah, sleeplessness is catching. Watch out for those zzzzz's._

"_Ok," he said dejectedly, "I'm really sorry to hear that you're under the weather and hope it passes quickly."_

"_Thank you. And thanks for asking me to…the movie. Sorry." It was over. Phew! That was easier than I'd thought it'd be, really. _

_I turned on the TV. Didn't matter what was on. I just needed the white noise to drown out the crazy thoughts in my head. Disappointment. Hope. Gone._

_The day dragged on and on. I caught up on housework. Read a magazine. Had a nap. Again. It must have been the stress of yesterday and this morning, which caused me to get zapped. _

_After my nap I made myself some coffee. That's what was missing from this day. Oh yeah, and I hadn't eaten a thing yet. Not really hungry. A banana. And maybe yogurt. I knew I'd probably get light-headed if I didn't have something. Maybe a muffin with my coffee. _

_Breathing easier now. It was over. Back to normal. Back to boring. _

_When I sat down to surf the internet and have my coffee, I noticed the red light blinking on my cell. I picked it up, expecting it to be my daughter, again. She texted me often. It was nice to know what she was up to now that she wasn't living at home with me anymore. She had been out for lunch with her friends at the Eaton Centre today._

_"Oh," I replied, "I was just there yesterday." _

_Yesterday. I'd almost forgotten. How? I suddenly felt so bummed out. I'd let something fall through my fingers. But what? But then my cell buzzed again. I picked it up again and I froze, staring at the screen. _

"_How are you feeling? Better I hope! Hope to see you soon. Edward." Oh. No. What do I do about this? Do I ignore it and not reply? I should be thankful? Gracious? I didn't have a clue. _

"_Better, I think. Thanks." Leave it at that, please. _

_But he didn't. "Good. I'll check on you tomorrow, to see if you're better, ok?"_

_This is exhausting, trying to get out of this—date? "Okay." _

" '_til then. E."_

_Maybe if I let it happen tomorrow, it'll be done and he'll leave town and that'll be it. Yes. That's what will happen. What a mess! I didn't want to think about it anymore_

_Maybe I'll be worse tomorrow. Here's hoping! But I'd better think about what to wear, just in case. Work and then - what? A date? Sounds just wrong. A date usually implies both parties to be willing. I am not 100% willing. Am I? Just think of it as helping a friend or something. A friend? I don't know him. It's like a blind date, but my eyes are open. Aren't they? Look in the mirror. Yes, they're open, but somehow they feel closed. Never mind. Try to be positive. I'm positive that he'll be sorry about this stupid plan. Just need to get through tomorrow. Breathe._

_I woke up alert, and amazed that I had actually fallen asleep, what with everything my brain was trying to sort through. I was thinking of all the possible outcomes - all pretty bad - of this date. He could ditch me at the theater, after finding out how ordinary I am. He might forget about it altogether. That wouldn't be bad, would it? Then no one would know what I was doing there. Just out to a movie by myself. People do that all the time. I've done it before. It's not a bad thing. I think my heart was starting to tremble. Push that feeling down. I won't be any good at work if I let that happen. Deep breaths._

"_So what do you think?" It was my co-worker standing by my desk, with a stack of patient files in her hands. Think? About what? Was I awake? At work? This was different. I didn't usually daydream at work, it was too busy. But it was lunch hour and the patients stop coming for half an hour, long enough to catch up on paperwork. Uh oh. Now I'm behind, I'm sure._

"_Sorry, I must be a bit distracted." Lack of sleep and being sick yesterday. Or was that my dream…? Better clear my head and get myself together fast. Crap. "Can you ask me again? Sorry." I finished the day somehow. This was agony. I felt like lead weights were attached to my neck and arms._

_Work was so busy, thankfully, that I didn't have much time to think about tonight. Thank you, God! The only time it creeped up on me was when my co-worker asked me what I was doing after work. I lied. Going home. Maybe to a movie. It was Wednesday, so it wouldn't be super busy at the theater. What movie? Um…I'll see when I get there, I guess. Back to work. Took a while to settle myself down after that, but when I finally did, the rest of the day sped by._

_And then it was finally 4:35. Finished. _

_Buzz…buzz…my cell. Calm down or you're going to end up in the ER. Do you really want that? Now curiosity was getting the better of me. Would he really be there? Maybe my memory was exaggerating what I'd seen the day before yesterday._

_?_

**I know, I know…even dream in my dreams…? Your thoughts**

**?**

**I know you guys are quick studies *coughs-ya right***

The Drill! GO!


	6. What the Hell Did I Just Do?

_**DISCLAIMER: Right, I know, Edward is not mine. Steph can claim that one.**_

_**Only in my dreams! Please give feedback on EPOV. My Edward swears a bit and I'd like him to be angry because it's sexy on him. Does it work? **_

EPOV

It's boring as hell in this fucking hotel room. It doesn't matter what city, which hotel, they're all boring as fucking hell. I'm going out of my mind. I want to scream, run, hit something. Anything to break out of this mental jail I'm in.

Then she popped into my head again. The one with the amazing deep fathomless aqua blue eyes. Something about her stuck with me.

Did I save that number on my I-phone? Hmmm…let's check. Yes, it is there. Why not? It couldn't hurt, right? Send. It rang three times. She didn't answer, so I tried again, in case I had somehow the wrong number. I know I had the right number because I had called her back at the bistro as soon as she gave me her number.

So I decided to text her. Please answer. I tried calling again. This time she answered. Shy, just like I thought. She said a movie would be fine. I agreed to call her tomorrow with deets. There. That wasn't too painful. I think I actually am looking forward to tomorrow, for a change.

But another mind-numbing night to get through. Maybe I'll check out the Internet, again.

Instead, I flop on the bed. Flick on the TV. Stare at it for hours. I don't have any acting jobs at present, just shit interviews after shit interviews.

I'm going to go insane! I turn the TV off. Then the lights. I lie back down on the bed and close my eyes.

It's silence, except for the air-conditioning unit blowing air into this stuffy room. The air coming in actually smells stuffy, too. Aaarrrggghh!

It's 3:13 a.m. I can't sleep. I hate not being in my own bed. I miss home so much. I miss normal.

Normal. Hmmm…I suddenly remember the woman I met today again. The one whose phone number I got. Tracy! That's her name. She's got my number. What the hell was I thinking? She didn't look like the type to do anything psycho, did she? I sure hope the hell not. Shit. Why didn't I think before I spoke or did anything? It's a character flaw, I think. I'll have to work on that. Who'd want to join me in my life of insanity?

I fell asleep finally putting the headphones on, listening to Debussy. It's so calming. De-stressing…

My dreams found me on an escalator looking for something, or someone. I'm not exactly sure. Every time I thought I'd found it/her, it was going in the wrong direction. And by the time I reached the right one, it had switched to a different one. I couldn't keep up. I was so tired from the angst in my dream, that I woke up more tired than I remember being before sleep.

It's going to be another frustrating day. I can tell. 11:36 a.m. and I don't think I'll fall asleep again. Might as well shower and get dressed. I went into the bathroom and looked into the mirror.

Yikes! My hair. The product of too much gel and hairspray. Pretty shit. I was afraid to touch it because the PR people were hyper-aware of my image and I couldn't just do what I wanted with it. Ridiculous.

I put the water in the shower on pretty hot, as it helped to ease the tension in my neck. At least they have decent, fluffy white towels to dry me off with. I glance in the mirror at my naked body. What is all the fuss about? If they could only see what I see. Wait, no. I don't really want that. I put on a white t-shirt and a new pair of designer jeans. They said it made my ass look tight. Right.

I felt like I was being micro-managed to death. I wanted to escape so badly. But where to? I could possibly fly anywhere. I did have the resources. But I didn't really want everyone to totally freak out. Maybe just a short excursion. Just something, anything different. Maybe the movie tonight will be a good start...

I call my sister, Alice, always one to cheer me up. I hope that she's not too busy to talk. She is a model and is usually off to some amazing locale on shoots. I can't remember what her schedule is like this week. I need a distraction from my distractions.

"Edward! So glad you called. How the hell are you? Where are you?" she squealed into the receiver. God, it was so sweet to hear a familiar voice.

"Ali, I've missed hearing your voice. How are things? Where are you?" I shot back at her, not answering any of her queries. I was freaking tired of answering questions.

"Well, I'm in Milan, getting fitted for a runway shoot tomorrow and then I'm going to get some days off to go home! I'm so excited. When are you coming home?" she inquired full of hope.

"Not sure. I'd have to ask my manager, James. I can't keep track of it any more. It's crazy-ness. I envy you. Going home. Sounds like heaven."

My mind recalled memories of home. Mom making scones in time for tea. Yelling at me for not taking my sneakers off when I came in. Teasing Alice about her latest boy crush.

This call was making me feel even more caged in. I couldn't even go home when I wanted to. I was officially miserable. Alice had to go, so we said our goodbyes.

Maybe I should go for another run to Starbucks. Maybe I'll meet another person oblivious as to who I was, that I could talk with. No. I didn't want to meet anyone else. I'm not sure why, but I wanted to see this one through.

I'm really not the type to run after the ladies. One night stands are not my thing. Then why was I going to try and see this woman? I. Don't. Know.

This day dragged on and on. The only bright spot was that James had arranged for us to have lunch at the CN Tower. They only had to block off half the restaurant to ensure my privacy. That must have cost a small fortune.

The wait staff were all falling over themselves attending to my needs. I was embarrassed for them. How could I possibly have this kind of effect on anyone? When only a short time ago, nobody knew me from Joe Blow. I made an effort to be gracious to them. I posed for pictures with them and signed autographs.

I only had 4 interviews scheduled. That part was the real acting job. Trying to sound fresh for each inane, repetitive question. Boring as hell.

Another night of mind-numbing TV. I decided to search the Internet for exotic cars. There's one that's really interesting. It's a Super Car, called the Plethora, made in Montreal. Not far from here I think. 750 Horsepower. more than $400,000. Looks fucking fantastic. I'd love to test run that baby. That would be something different. I'll have to talk with James to see if he could arrange it.

Well, that wasted a few hours. Late enough to sleep finally.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

A/N: Edward…hmmm…what do you guys think?

The 'Drill' – you MUST know it by now…


	7. Too Much Information

_**DISCLAIMER: The Almighty Queen, Stephanie, owns all of the Twilight world… Huh! *stamp my foot, arms crossed***_

_**As promised—the 'date'. Why, oh why are you not mine, Edward?**_

_**X0x0x0x**_

_"Are you done?"_

"_Just". _

"_Tell me where you are and I'll pick you up!" I must have lost my mind, I thought, as I texted him my work address._

_I went to the restroom to freshen up. I'd brought a change of clothing - clean pair of jeans (some I thought would look hip, though they're not expensive or anything) and a black t-shirt beneath my grey sweater. Hides some of the stuff. I waited until everyone else left, so that they wouldn't see that I was meeting someone. There would be talk. I wanted to avoid that at all costs. And the subsequent laughter. Oh yeah, brush the hair and teeth. Thank goodness I didn't forget that. And some gum in case my breath should wander his way by way of a breeze. Knocking out one's date was not good. _

_Buzz, buzz. He's here? What did I think was going to happen? I don't know, maybe he'd gotten lost. Why did he want to pick me up from work? A change of plan, I guess._

_I walked out of the elevator and I think my knees were knocking. It was hard not to trip on the cracks in the grey ceramic tile of the lobby. Slow down. Breathe. I didn't see anybody there. There was a dark car idling by the front of the building. _

_And then I saw him as the rear window lowered. Oh. Wow. More Handsome than I had recollected. How can I do this? Have to now, he's seen me. I walked out the doors, looked on either side of the sidewalk, so I didn't smack into anyone, and made my way to the car's rear door. A burly man came quickly and opened it for me. _

_His smile was the nicest one I had ever seen. I'm embarrassed to be here. He should be embarrassed. He didn't seem to be. An actor. Of course. Maybe this was research for an upcoming part. Gorgeous hunk makes an ass out of an older woman. Opening in theaters in time for Halloween._

"_Hi. How are you feeling?" He asked like he really wanted to know._

"_Much better, I think. Although it sometimes hits me pretty fast, in which case I might have to cut this short…" I have to leave myself an easy out._

_Too much information, rambling, not making any sense, I don't think. Breathe. My head was down, without thinking about it and all of a sudden his hand reached out gently to lift my chin up so that my eyes would meet his warm, emerald green, long-lashed eyes. Mmmm…what?_

"_Are you alright? Can I get you anything?"_

"_No, I'm ok," I stuttered, my voice breaking a bit._

"_Good. Then we can proceed on to the theater. Jazz, let's go." He asked the driver to start for the theater. I sat back and tried to relax. He was telling me about the choices in movies that we had. He hadn't seen a movie in months and didn't really care which one we went to see. I said that I had seen one of them, and I didn't mind which of the others we went to. We could just randomly pick a number and then see what was playing at that theater. He thought that might be a good idea, so we agreed to do that when we got into the hallway where the different theaters were._

_I was getting more nervous the closer we got. Maybe I should feign sickness to spare both of us. He might be too much of a gentleman to not go through with this. Before I could speak, or move, the car stopped. It was too late. Jazz got out to let us out In front of the theater. _

_I had to step out first and Edward then hopped out, with Jazz shadowing him. I could see quite a few people who were gathered at the ticket booth suddenly notice us and start whispering. We quickly walked through the lobby, Edward had his hood covered head bent down, and then he handed our tickets to the attendant. _

_We walked to the hallway to the left after entering in an incredible hurry. They must have pre-bought the tickets, so that we could enter without too many people catching on to who was entering. I wondered how bad it could get._

_He said, "take your pick," as we entered the hallway for theaters numbered 6-10. _

_I had to think fast. Should I pick a comedy, comedy-romance or action? I had to pick the action because the comedy was one of those made for young people with a lot of bathroom, inappropriate humor, which I absolutely detested. And the romantic comedy was definitely out of the question. Just because. We sat at the far left lower corner-a quick escape if necessary, I presumed. He adjusted his hood and slouched in his seat before the trailers started. I didn't really know what to say or do now._

"_Want some gum?" was all I could come up with. Gum? How lame was that? Not 'how was your day?' That would have been smarter. _

_Ok, I'll start again. "How was your day? What did you do?"_

_He slightly hesitated, as if deciding whether or not to give me privy to his life and then in practically a whisper said, "It was pretty great. My manager said that he was receiving lots of interesting scripts for us to look over. It'll keep me busy for a few years, at least. I can't wait to see what's going to happen. Of course, it doesn't mean I'm automatically hired, but the chances are not bad if they are sending them to me, instead of me sending them my stuff." _

_He went on for awhile about how before his big break, he was barely getting by, with jobs being small and spaced far apart. He was still living with his parents, which was ok, but was dying to get his own place. Now that he could, he was too busy to look for one and wasn't sure where he should permanently locate. Lots of the work might be based in California, but wasn't sure that was the right place for him. He was used to a smaller town._

_I managed to squeeze in that I had been in California once and I'd loved it the moment I stepped out of the airport, smog and all. There was just something right about it and I felt like I belonged there somehow. Weird. Huh. He thought that was interesting and he'd sort of had similar feelings there. _

_Just then the lights began to dim and the projector started rolling the trailers. I suddenly felt more comfortable in the dark. I crossed my legs, slouched down a bit and relaxed my head on the back of the seat. I crossed my arms across my body. Phew. That part was over and done. The movie should distract me enough that I my nerves could relax for awhile. _

_In the middle of the 3rd trailer suddenly a familiar face was on the screen-it was Edward. Wow. Bigger than life. I noticed that he slouched just a little bit further down. I didn't look at his face, not wanting to embarrass or bring attention to him. I just sort of moved my crossed legs next to his leg and nudged it to acknowledge that I realized that it was him up on the screen. He reciprocated with his leg and returned it to its original position. That movie wasn't out in theaters until next month. Mental note: see it._

_The movie featured now began. It was filled with machine guns and heavy artillery, set in some war zone. I couldn't really fathom what it was about, so I closed my eyes for an indeterminate amount of time and let my mind wander. Why was I such a pathetic mess in front of this guy? Just because he's famous? It wasn't like this was…a…date. Was it? It really wasn't a 'date'. I was just a random person he chose, out of a crowd, to spend normal time with. Right? I just couldn't wrap my head around it. _

_Edward seemed to be into this action movie, so I suffered in silence. It was truly agony. About three quarters through he leaned toward me to whisper into my ear. "Do you want to leave?" _

"_Do you?" I replied, hoping, with shivers running rampant down my spine. _

"_Let's go." _

_And no sooner had I grabbed my purse, we were up and walking down the aisle and out of the theater. He grabbed my hand to lead me in the dark. As we exited through the doors and turned to leave through a side exit, he still held onto my hand. I guess he wanted me to keep up to his pace, so that we could leave the building quickly. He was on his phone, calling to come and get Jasper to meet us. His timing was spot on and we glided into the car without having to stop at all to wait. _

_I guessed this date was over now and they would drop me off at the train. I thanked him for taking me to this god-awful movie and said there was a train coming in 22 minutes and we were just a few minutes from the station. _

_He stared at me with a look as if to say, "I don't think so!" He gave a quick chuckle and looked down at my hands. He then suddenly took my left hand in both of his and looked up through his amazingly lovely green eyes...I…I...oh, wow. I froze, mesmerized._

?

?

_**The dates not over yet…**_

_**So…please somebody review! (Crickets)**_

The DRILL, people…The DRILL!


	8. What the Fuck Is Going On In My Brain?

_**DISCLAIMER: Edward's not mine (sigh)...He is totes Steph's.**_

_**My Edward needs his mouth washed out with soap. But he's so sexy when he is profane, I think. ;-p... (drooling)**_

_**I have a rec for you guys…KiyaRaven has written an amazingly hot fic called The Screamers…I've been reading for that last few weeks as I'm going to do an interview with her for my new blog…Twi-Crazi(at)blogspot(dot)com…come check it out!**_

xxOx

EPOV

Shit! What time is it? I'm going to be late. Someone's knocking on my door. What the fuck?

I get up to answer it in my briefs. As I peep through the peep hole, I see that it's James. I let him in and wander back to my bed, scratching my head through my messed up hair.

"Hey, James. What's up?" I yawned all the way through that question. Is that rude? It's only James. He's seen me at my worst, which were most days. How does he put up with this crap? Oh yeah. I pay him a shit-load of money. I bet he'd walk on hot coals if I asked him to. Wonder what other asinine request he'd agree to?

"Edward, I need you to get your shit together NOW and meet me downstairs in the cafe. We have to brief on today's activities. Shower, shave and get dressed. I have to go make a phone call downstairs. I'll see you there in 15 minutes." He was no nonsense and walked out the door. He wasn't arguing with me. He normally ordered me around.

The only thing to do was as he said. He'd be pissed and would come up here and drag me down, undressed if he had to. I know, because it happened once.

It was in between weeks of promo interviews and appearances in some state or the other. They're all a blur in my mind. Anyway, I was so tired from all the shit that day that I had passed out one evening after only one beer. I had woken up during the night throwing up, just making it to the bathroom in time. Then I fell asleep on the floor by the latrine, my head on a facecloth.

The very next thing I woke up to was James bursting into my room with hotel security, yelling obscenities at me and hauling my ass out. I only had time to grab the first thing I saw, which was a dirty t-shirt and jeans on the chair by the bed. That was the rudest awakening I'd ever had, even worse than when my dad would wake me up for school as a teenager.

So I didn't want a repeat performance of that hellish day. It was embarrassing having the media comment on my lack of personal hygiene incessantly. Some things are so fucking hard to live down.

The only good thing about today is that I have my date with Miss Oh-so-fucking-fantastic-blue eyes tonight. Those are haunting me in my sleep, as well as in my awake time. I cannot wait to stare into them again.

Was my imagination getting carried away? I couldn't wait to find out. I wanted to look good, so I picked out my newest graphic tee – the one with the logo of my favourite band - a clean pair of black jeans and my Converse shoes. Oh yeah, couldn't forget the hoodie sweater. It's perfect for camouflage, so that I wouldn't get recognized.

There – 13 minutes. Two minutes to make my way downstairs. Almost forgot my I-phone – I'd be lost without it. It keeps me in touch with my friends and family back home in England. Why did I have to think about them again? I get so homesick every time I do that. Had to push it out of my head for a while.

Fuck.

The day pretty much went by like all the other days. They all just blurred in my mind. Mind-numbing shit.

I almost forget what it was like at first. Excitement. Surprise. Ego boosting. Terror. Yeah, the terror of having hundreds of screaming girls try and grab at me. Fuck, they're all insane. They are so blinded by the whole 'star' thing that they don't see what a dweeb I really am.

It was kinda hilarious at first. I was embarrassed for them. Then the studio told me I had to suck it up and perform. Think of it as another acting role. That worked for me.

It was now about 4:15 and I was finished work. I did not forget about my date. I was anxious to see her. Would she be the way I remembered? And what way was that? Um, I don't know. Nice. Funny. Normal.

I kept looking at my watch every 5 minutes, and finally, at 4:35, I relent and text her, asking if she's done. She was! I'm way too anxious in looking forward to a 'normal' evening. That's exactly why I needed - a 'life'.

I told Jazz where we were going to pick her up and he started driving. He was all business. I think he used to be in the military and didn't take any bullshit. I feel safe when he was around, that's for sure.

I hoped he would find a girl soon. He seemed lonely somehow. He wandered around during his off hours, visiting random coffee houses. He didn't drink. Maybe that was his problem. I'd have to take him to a pub sometime and show him how the other half lived. Maybe the girl of his dreams would be waiting for him there.

We finally arrived. Where was she? We waited idling on the road by the building she worked in.

Waiting…now I see her, so I rolled down my window. She saw me. She slowly exits the building. It looks like she's still deciding if this date is a good idea. I'm fully expecting her to bolt in the opposite direction. I wouldn't blame her. But she didn't.

Once inside the theater, we quickly dodged the small crowd of people at the ticket booth and speed walked to the screening room. She was pretty quiet throughout the whole way here and a sport. She didn't question anything we had to do to avoid a crowd.

What? She asked me if I want gum? Funny.

Oh shit! There was my face bigger than fucking life up on the screen. She'd think I was trying to impress her. That so was not the case. Why couldn't I escape for even one fucking minute?

She nudged me with her leg—whoa! What was that? It was like electricity as our legs touched. Weird.

This movie really sucked. We left before it ended. We seemed to have the same taste. That'd make it easier the next time. Wait. Did I just think what I thought I thought? Hmmm...possible.

She's so sweet and easy to get along with. What the fuck is going on in my brain? She thought the date was over and I was going to drop her off at the train station? She really was cute.

I was going to show her how to have some fun. I feel sorry that she hadn't been out on the town for a while. She was embarrassed. Oh, no. I didn't want her to feel that way. She should be happy. There was a certain sadness in her oh, so stunningly blue eyes. Mesmerizing. I felt like I could have dove into them and arrived in a cool pool of ...wait. What have I, totally lost my mind?

While we were at the club, I did have to talk so she that could hear me by bringing my face close to her ear. Mmmm...she smelled so good. Like peaches, or strawberries. I forced myself to think of more things to say, just to get another whiff. It was addicting, whatever it is.

Even though I hadn't had much to drink, I felt slightly intoxicated, and asked her to dance. I didn't know how, but I remembered the song from the Starbucks the day I first saw her. And then I did the most bizarre thing – kissed her - on the freaking dance floor. What the hell is happening?

She was gracious and gave me an out, spewing something about her age and shit. It got me really mad. It actually, yeah this thought surprised me too, didn't matter to me. I wanted to protect her from herself. She was trying to hide it, but I could feel it. What had happened to her to make her feel so worthless? I instinctively wanted to fix her. But there really wasn't time because I had to leave any day now.

But how could I leave her? She needed me.

?

_**xxxxox**_

_**Well obvious, isn't it? What comes next...Da-dada-daaaa…**_

_**THE DRILL!**_


	9. Totally and Completely Affected

_**DISCLAIMER: Stephanie Meyer is the 'mayor' of Forks, WA and the Queen of Twilight, I am not even on their polling list. I am broke.**_

_XXXXXXXXX_

He brushed my lips with his ever so slightly the first time, and pulled back to gauge my response. I did respond, with a slight pucker of my lips to his. He then squinted his eyes to look at me clearly, smiled warmly, and repeated the first kiss (kiss?).

I had this odd sensation that I was floating by then. I didn't know what to do with my body parts-hands, arms, eyes…He must have intuitively known this as he took my hands and wrapped them around his neck. His arms wrapped around me and pulled me in a little bit closer to him.

Another kiss was about to happen, when the waitress cleared her throat to announce her presence. I turned back and was thankful for the lack of lighting, so that no one would see the 26 shades of red my face must have been.

She placed the wine glasses on the table. She was staring at me incredulously, as if to ask who are you and why are you with **him**? Or aren't you a bit old for him? And, oh yeah, who are you?

I looked down at the glass and put my right hand on the stem, like I was about to lift it to my mouth. I couldn't help but giggle, mostly to myself.

He thanked her and resumed his previous activity, by first taking the wine goblet out of my hand. His hands took mine and again placed them right back to where they were, around his neck.

The kiss that followed was actually a combination of short and longer, lingering ones.

The time was beginning to become irrelevant as I was getting a little bit used to the way his lips met mine and I liked it. It was so full of meaning, like we'd been together forever.

Corresponding pieces to the same puzzle. How corny was that? Getting a wee bit ahead of things, wasn't I?

I was conscious of the song that was then playing and it was the same one, by Linkin Park, which had been playing at the Starbucks the day our paths had first crossed.

"Hey, isn't that the same song that was playing the other day at the Starbucks when I so rudely stole your table?" he gently pulled away, and took a breath.

He remembered? Did he have to stop? But we were in a public place.

"Would you like to dance?" he whispered into my ear again. Shivers. Again. He didn't wait for my reply, as he stood up and took me by my hand and led me to the dancing area.

It was a slow tempo song, again, so he placed my arms around his neck, again. I was directly facing him, our bodies touching each other. He was smiling.

I think I was just a little bit too stunned and a lot too nervous to relax, being out in the open in the midst of other people.

What was happening?

He brought his lips to mine, again, while weaving his hands into my hair, this time lingering with more pressure than before. It was pretty damned nice.

This was my dream and it didn't have to ever end, did it? How was I managing to dance in time to the music and be kissed by this gorgeous man? Was I dancing? I think so. Not so sure, the more I thought about it. He was definitely moving, so I must have been too, because my body was still attached to his.

I needed to breathe so I pulled away. It took everything I had. He was like a strong magnet and I was the metal trying to resist with not much luck.

I tried to disengage my eyes from his, to no avail. His eyes were locked on mine, and loaded. I'd never been mesmerized like that before and it was thrilling.

The song, our song, was way too short. Couldn't they play it again? And again? And again?

We stayed standing while waiting for the next one to begin.

He leaned to whisper in my ear, "You are so cute and your eyes sparkle with the lights in this room. Did you know they change color?" I had been told that before, yes.

"When was the last time you had your eyes checked? They must be really blurry, not to notice you're dancing with practically a senior citizen. You should cut your losses and let me go before any more people, and maybe important people, notice who you are."

He looked hurt for an instant. "There's absolutely nothing wrong with my eyesight." Uh-oh. He was unequivocally pisssed. "It's even better than 20/20. I can see through all the surface beauty and I think I see what's on the inside. And I'm liking the view from here. Now tell me how you feel?"

What did he mean by that? The words were not registering in my brain. I've been berating myself for so long that I couldn't accept anything the least bit positive about myself.

"Sorry, I just can't imagine what you're seeing. I don't want you to regret this night, so I think you should re-think your plans. I won't be hurt." I lied. The biggest lie I'd ever told.

I had to suck it up to save him from himself. I could do that and suffer later, in private, by myself. Alone.

"Would you please stop saying stuff like that! Fuck! I know exactly what I'm doing and I am sure that nobody would think the stupid things you think they're thinking. And you've just avoided answering my question—how do you feel—about me?"

He didn't let his gaze release mine for an instant, even though I wanted to look away. Okay. I would answer him. Nothing to lose right now, right?

"Well, you are mesmerizing. You seem to be genuine and kind-hearted. Which is why I think you probably wouldn't hurt my feelings by telling me the truth." I couldn't help how I felt. He might as well know how I think right from the start. The start…of what?

"Ok, stop. You keep doing that! You're ruining this moment. I'm going to give you one more chance to change the direction this has started to wander, ok? Please. I'd like for this not to be over just yet."

I bit my lip, with my head finally managing to drop down. But he lifted it up again and locked me in his starry eyes. Dreamy. He slowly, so slowly, brought his face toward mine again and pressed his lips to my, all too willing, trembling lips. Stronger. And longer. And deeper. I was definitely having an out of body experience.

When the music stopped he led me back to our table, still holding my hand. He looked at my hand intertwined with his fingers - his doing, not mine - and brought it up to his mouth and kissed it gently. Then he looked up from there at me and smiled shyly. I was too dumbstruck to say or do anything.

After we had finished the wine, he took out his phone and asked Jasper to come pick us up.

Two minutes. Two minutes left to enjoy this bliss. Then back to real life for me.

Was the letdown really worth it? Of course. At least I'd have really, really nice memories to last me a lifetime, although I couldn't tell anybody. Nor would anyone in their right mind believe me if I did.

He stood up and helped me by pulling my elbow, then he wrapped his right arm around my shoulders and we walked out of the club. There were a lot more people outside now and I thought I heard a few shrieks of recognition as we hurried from the entrance to the waiting car, Jasper holding the door open for us.

Edward motioned for me to go in first and I quickly slid over to make room for him. I noticed flashes of light before the door was slammed shut. I peered out through the back window and saw a swarm of females, with their cell phones in hand, snapping pictures of our car as it sped off. He was laughing, slightly embarrassed.

"Wow. Is that what you face in your real life?" I was now extremely curious. How could he manage to stay so grounded amidst all of that chaos? He just shrugged his shoulders and leaned his head back. He turned his head toward me and gave me the most apologetic smile.

"I'm sorry. I didn't want you to see that so soon. It's kind of ridiculous. They don't even know me. I could be the biggest jerk and they'd still be there. I don't get it."

Of course I had seen this stuff on TV, but seeing it first-hand was scary. I now felt protective of him and was upset that he had to go through this. He noticed the look on my face and touched my cheek with his cool hand. I put my hand on top of his and our eyes locked. He moved his hand behind my head and pulled me close enough for our lips to meet.

He was reaching…for some kind of normal, I think. I wanted to give it to him. I needed him to feel safe. He was safe with me.

I didn't think we were aware of anything else for the duration of the car ride.

His cell phone went off. Damn. He reluctantly disengaged and took it out of his shirt pocket. He grabbed my hand with his other hand, squeezing it tightly. It thankfully was a short conversation.

"I have to leave tomorrow. My plane leaves at 2:30 in the afternoon." He looked away, not wanting to show his emotions. He finally looked at me sullenly.

It was over. The car ride was over. Everything was over.

We were silent, and sat for some while in the drive of my house. Then he got started to slide over and open the door. He reached for my arm to lead me out of the car and out of his life.

I wasn't meant for casual flings. Why did I have to have a heart that clung onto anybody that showed the slightest bit of interest? I wish I could just have a carefree attitude like most of the people seemed to.

"Oh, I see. Where do you go from here?" I tried to sound unaffected. But I was so the opposite of that. Totally and completely affected by him. My insides ached already, knowing what pain was coming after he left. I'd have nothing to make it real again.

"I'm going to Vancouver first. Have you ever been there?" He was trying to make small talk? Ok, let's play that game, then.

"Yes I have been there. It's really nice. Lots of mountains. The ocean is there, too. It rains a lot." He knew that because they'd made a movie there. Ok, my travelogue was unnecessary. I felt stupid.

"Do you want to go with me?" he surprised me. What?

"I'm not sure...," into the negativity again…he was going to get really upset. So I tried to think of the right answer and closed my eyes…

**?**

**?**

**Should she go? Why did he ask her? Her! Her?**

_**Everyone…attention please…the DRILL! GO!**_


	10. The Mile High Club

**Disclaimer: I'm so fucking tired of this asinine disclaimer shit, but here goes…Stephanie..blah..blah..blah…owns all of Twilight. There. Happy?**

XXXXXXoXXXXXX

"No, I don't think that I can't just leave work and everything." I was scrambling to think of more valid excuses, just in case he pressed the issue. It's better if he just leaves and moves on. Better for him. This might have become just a one night stand, right? Maybe. I had to be the voice of reason. I couldn't let this progress and be remembered as that. Thinking about what might have happened, if we had not had some measure of control, made my insides began to hurt again.

"Oh, I understand. It's pretty crazy of me to ask…it's just that..umm…" he closed his lips tightly, looked down and turned around and started walking back toward the car.

Wait! Stop! No, don't! Go. Don't go…but I did let him leave.

I stepped inside and quickly closed the door. I stood with my back against it and slowly crumpled down onto the floor. I was numb. This night didn't really happen, did it? I felt the pain in the core of my body. I could not move.

I must have stayed in that one spot for hours before I finally picked myself up and dragged myself into my bed. Oh joy! Back to normal. Emptiness.

I awoke the next morning, feeling like I had not managed to sleep at all. But I think I must have, because my eyes did not feel like they were swollen or anything. How could I have fallen asleep?

My memories kept flooding back to the most amazing date with the most amazing man. He was younger, yes. But he was mature in so many life smart ways. And we got along, I think.

We laughed and talked and just enjoyed being together. I could tell by the vibes when he looked at me that he felt it too, the same connection, like we'd been together for years. And could have been - for the rest of our lives. It was too easy.

Why had I turned his offer down? What time was it? 10:44 am. Should I? I was anxiously debating it. Would he even be able to get me onto that flight? What would I tell my family? It was completely out of character for me. I knew what they'd think. 'She's having some kind of mid-life crisis. Get her a psychiatrist'.

I'll phone them after I'm gone, so they won't be able to intervene.

I had to call him – fast. I fumbled for my cell and found his number on my contact list. Before I could over-think it, I pressed 'send'.

My heart was in my throat, waiting, praying for him to pick up. It was at least 3 rings before he picked it up.

"Tracy?" He sounded surprised that I was calling. So was I. What would he say after my rejection of his idea last night? "I'm almost at your place. Are you packed?" How did he know I'd change my mind?

"How…why…are you coming here? Are you serious?" I was in shock and suddenly the excitement in his voice sent me into hyperspace. He was coming to get me! He wanted me.

How could this be happening? He was a superstar and could have any woman in the world. Fate had brought us together in a most weird way.

"I'll be there in 15 minutes. Don't waste time asking stupid questions, Tracy. Get off the phone and get your things together, okay?"

He wanted me to hurry. I hung up and tried to gather my thoughts. What do I need to bring with me? How long will I be gone? Just get the basics, first and whatever time was left, add to it. Warm clothes, cool clothes. Shoes, coat. Passport.

I realized I couldn't just leave without telling anyone. I called my daughter and my mom. Don't ask questions. I'll explain later when I call to check in. Don't worry I'm good. Really, really good.

Before I knew it, the car was outside, idling in my driveway. I opened my door to let him in and he took my face in his hands, smiling, and planted an enthusiastic kiss on my lips.

"Let's get going! Is this it?" He grabbed my suitcase and carry-on bag and stepped outside my doorway. I turned and locked the door.

Goodbye normal.

As we drove to the airport he was on his cell, arranging for my ticket. We were going in first class. His driver was going to have to go into coach, as it was the only seat available in that section. I felt really bad. Okay, not 'that' bad.

He called his assistant then to arrange for security at Pearson Airport once we got to the airport. There was apparently a LOT of girls, waiting for his arrival. They would have someone by gate #4 and a decoy at gate #7. It might work. At least thin the crowd, which was also filled with paparazzi.

Oh no. I couldn't do that. As he got off the phone, he turned to me, seeing the panic in my eyes.

"You don't need to worry, I have it all sorted. You'll get dropped off at another gate and someone there will escort you to our gate ahead of me. You'll be shown where to wait for me. It won't take too long, sweetie, don't worry about a thing." He dazzled me with his perfect smile and my worries eased, for a little while.

As we neared the drop-off zone, I was stunned to see how many people there were in the distance. That was presumably where Edward was expected to arrive.

The car stopped and Jasper was on his cell giving instructions to someone about me. All of a sudden a woman appeared out of the terminal to escort me. Before I stepped out of the car, Edward grabbed my arm, pulled me to him and kissed me. I tried to smile bravely and gave him another kiss for good luck.

She had brought a cart, on which to put my stuff. I followed her into the terminal. She didn't talk too much, just smiled in a friendly manner.

It was a fairly long walk to the correct gate. I was concerned about Edward. Those people were probably just dying to see him and could mob him and possibly hurt him. I wanted to see him, to make sure he was ok. I walked faster. Maybe I could catch a glimpse of him.

As I was walking by one set of sliding doors to the outside, all of a sudden I heard screams. I wanted to run to him, but my escort grabbed my arm and led me to the security area. I put all of my bags on the belt where they went through the x-ray machine. My escort had taken my suitcase and checked it onto our flight. I walked through the metal detector.

No problems and I grabbed my carry-on when it came out of the x-ray. I wasn't really sure where to go next, so I waited a little further down the hallway. Another escort asked me if I was Tracy, I nodded, and he led me to a small room just to the right of the security section. I didn't want to stay inside, not knowing when Edward was coming.

Then I heard a commotion outside and I had to go take a look. There he was! He was being checked by security and behind him was a gaggle of paparazzi with the flashes blinding me instantly.

Wow. That was insane!

He noticed me as he looked out from the metal detector gate. He smiled a crooked, 'what-can-you-do?' smile to me. I relaxed, relieved he was safely through that obstacle.

As soon as he got his stuff, he quickly made his way toward the room I was in. He took a deep breath as he walked through the door. He dropped his bag and came to sit by my side.

"Crazy stuff," was all he managed to say before his lips locked on mine. Good thing there was nobody else in the room then because my relief spilled out and I put my arms around him. He pulled me onto his lap and put his arms around me, too.

"What about the people on the plane? Won't they bother you?" I managed to ask, amidst our kissing session.

"They wait until everyone is on board. And since we're in first class, they'll never know I'm on the plane. Except for the other first class people. But they don't usually care."

That was a huge relief. I sighed and leaned into him, his arm around my shoulders. "Are you okay? This is all pretty weird stuff, huh? It's easy for me to forget that you've never experienced this kind of thing. Were the escorts good? Did you get through security ok?"

"Yeah, it all went smoothly for me. I was just worried about you. I wished I could have stayed with you."

He squeezed me with his arm, acknowledging what I'd said. Just then Jasper came through the door. He said they were boarding the plane and that he had to go as well. He'd see us when we landed in Vancouver. They'd send someone to get us, when it was time.

It took about 30 minutes for the people to completely board. Then a security guard came and told us to follow him. As we exited that room, I caught a glimpse of more flash bulbs going off. They don't give up until the very last. Edward put his arm around me, to shield me from the cameras.

We walked very fast and reached the gate finally. The attendant took our boarding passes, checked our passports and then we were able to walk through the tunnel by ourselves.

When we reached the door of the airplane, 2 flight attendants were waiting, with huge smiles on their faces. They sort of looked confused by my presence, but were extremely gracious and helpful, leading us to our seats. We were at the front left side of the cabin.

I'd never been in first class before and I was amazed at how comfortable it was. All the little conveniences were at our fingertips. The leg room was also incredible. We had to settle in pretty quickly as the plane was beginning to taxi onto the tarmac.

This was the part of flying I was most nervous of, and he could tell. He grabbed my hand and held it tightly. He turned his head toward mine and gave me a comforting smile. I couldn't relax until we were actually in flight, wheels up.

We watched the screen in front of us, which was showing a movie. He lifted the armrest, so that he could pull me closer to him. I almost forgot we were flying.

This was a pretty long flight, though, four and a half hours. It didn't matter. I was with him. I had him all to myself.

I felt as if I were a smoldering log, being so close to him. Half-way through the movie, he turned his head to look at my face. I looked up at him and the fire roared inside of me. How was I going to cool it down? He seemed to know what I was feeling, just by the look on my face, and gave me a squeeze, and then a lingering light kiss.

Torture!

I whispered into his ear, "You are driving me insane. Stop being so tempting…"

He laughed silently and put his lips just below my ear and kissed me on my neck, then whispered into my ear,"You're driving me mad as well…what to do?" Another squeeze…We were about to make this a very interesting flight.

We pulled up the comforter supplied in first class to encase both of us, turning off the overhead lights as well. Our hands slowly traveled discreetly along each other's exposed skin. That obviously wasn't satisfying enough, but only caused a fever to fester.

Edward's hand slipped under my t-shirt and camisole. The only time in my life I was happy to not be wearing a bra. As he nibbled on my neck crooning sweet nothings into my ear, my heartrate gathered speed. I grabbed a fistful of his hair, kissing his cheek.

"Edward…what are you doing to me?"

He looked up with a wickedly salacious grin. Uh-oh. His mouth was on mine faster than I could blink my eyes. He took my hitched breath away replacing it with his own. I moaned into the kiss, not being able to control myself anymore. My hands reached for his backside, easily slipping under his loose-fitting designer jeans. Thrilled at the physical contact my tongue explored his searching one. My eyes would surely be rolling back had they not been closed. I wasn't even positive that I hadn't gone unconscious for a moment or two.

xxxxxxO^Oxxxxxx

The remainder of the flight was calm. No more turbulence.

Once the flight landed, and we had taxied to the gate, the attendants told us we could leave first. There was security waiting for us, once we reached the exit doors. Edward asked me to go out first and just wait for Jasper at the café to the left of where I was exiting. He knew where to pick up Edward after he got through. Jasper would also get our luggage from the carousel.

He let go of my hand, after kissing the back, and I walked out, alone. There was the usual crowd waiting for him. The girls were all holding something for him to sign - magazines, posters. They also had their cells and cameras at the ready.

I found the café, so I just ordered a coffee and grabbed a stool so I could wait for Jasper. I could see everything that was happening by the exit doors.

Every time the doors would open, the crowd would let out shrill scream. There were many false alarms. Then I saw Jasper saunter out of the sliding doors. He came straight to where I was and asked me to follow him to the car.

There was a limousine waiting outside of the doors. He had me go inside, and people instantly got curious and started to crowd around. The paparazzi seemed to have a sixth sense about where to find celebrities.

Then two large security guards came out through the exit doors, protecting Edward, who was trying to navigate through the maze toward the limousine.

My heart raced as I watched him get closer.

He did sign a few covers and waved at his fans along the way, so that they could get a couple of pictures of him.

One of the guards suddenly opened the door of the vehicle and Edward jumped in. Blinded by more flash bulbs. I had to remember next time to not look at them. The car sped off the second the door closed. I leaned back and turned to see Edward smiling his mega-watt smile…right at me.

xxxxOxxxx

0

X

**A/N: Edward and Tracy…what will their relationship entail? **

**OK, people…Attention!**

**It's coming…The DRILL! 3…2…1…GO! **

***giggles*…please ;)**


	11. EPOVThe Mile High Club

**Disclaimer: Ms. S. Meyers: You own Twilight. I do not. Luv much, me.**

**The truth is that I was compelled to write this EPOV with emotions high. I've been sitting on it, trying to figure out whether to post or not. I'm sorry for the profanity, but my Edward is such. I might yank it off, after thinking on it further. Your comments might help me make up my mind. **

EPOV

I can't believe she called me! Shit! She called me…can I do this? Do what, exactly? I don't freaking know what my brain is thinking anymore. I just feel so drawn to her, my body is craving her. Not my physical body – well truthfully, it is, but my spiritual body and mind.

She's given me back reality. I'm suffocating in the hype and celebrity. I don't know which end is up most times.

It's all so damn confusing.

She's like a lifeline to me. I can breathe with her nearby. She's my oxygen and my lungs feel like they're closing up when she's not near me.

That's why I went back for her. I was prepared to beg. Like a junkie begging for his next fix. I think I might have kidnapped her, had she resisted.

My mind is messed up. How could one person do this to me? It's a reality slap in the face.

But she called me! The relief washed over me and calmed every nerve ending.

I quickly got on the phone to make the arrangements for another seat on my flight and an escort for her.

They already knew the drill when celebrities arrived, so it didn't take a lot of discussion to have it all worked out. She would be taken to a holding room past the security checkpoint and wait for me there. We would then board the plane after the general boarding was finished.

We were in first class, of course. Sometimes life was good.

It was a lot to ask someone to take on, blindly. Tracy had no idea what was in store for her, being linked with me.

I could try and shield her as much as I could, but the damn papp's are everywhere and extremely crafty. They can be downright malicious. I wouldn't want her to be maligned in any way. I'm going to do whatever I can to prevent that from happening.

She did great through all of the hub-bub at the airport. She said she felt protective of me when she saw the screaming girls. That warmed my heart. It made me want to envelop her in my arms and kiss every worry line off her face. Well, not only her face, while I was at it…

The flight was more of a turn-on than I had dreamed. We declared our feelings for each other without so many words. It was as if we could read each other's minds. What passed through our gazing was, seriously, beyond words. Every touch we made was filled with surges of electricity. I could tell it was the same for her as her pupils would dilate at every point of contact.

It was as if everyone else on the plane had vanished and we were the only ones on board. It seemed through my eyes that there was even a haze around us.

This haze was so palpable that we actually did forget about everyone else. As our hands touched and our eyes fused, our bodies began to respond to each other without any conscious effort on our parts. We did have enough presence of mind to cover ourselves with the comforter so kindly provided for us by the airline. The airline attendants were oblivious, or seeming to be so. I think they had witnessed this before. Huh.

As I began kissing Tracy with fervor my hand trailed down her panting body. I slipped my hand under her sweater, thankful she was only wearing a loose camisole, instead of a bra. My hands cupped her breast, one at a time, rolling her nipples until they were hard and responsive. I yearned to taste them, but resisted for the sake of modesty. Modesty? Yikes.

She in turn began slip her hand under my jeans grabbing my ass. I became instantly aware and alert. The added pressure on my clothing was intensely acute before her hand eased its way to the front, down to my swollenness. Without breaking our kiss we continued to pleasure each other. We moaned into our kisses our lips joined acting like a muffler on a sreet rod.

"You are so fucking amazing, Tracy," I purred into her ear. She shivered and leaned onto my shoulder with her head. I buried my face into her sweet fresh fragranced hair. God, she was so beautiful.

Nobody bothered us until it was time for landing and we had to put our seatbelts on.

The part I hated was when I had to let her get off the plane without me. I hesitated and gave her a tight hug and kiss before letting her walk out.

Now I had to face the music and wade through the maze of fans and paparazzi to get to the car. Shit. I didn't enjoy this part any more. I'd try and be gracious – take some pictures and sign some autographs.

As I stepped through the sliding frosted doors, the blinding flashes hit me. Fuck. I couldn't see anything. You'd think that I'd remember to not walk with my head up.

I stopped and closed my eyes for a moment and then I felt something grab me. What the…?

It was a young girl, who had apparently squeezed through the barricade and just ran for me.

Ok, I couldn't be angry at someone so naïve. I smiled and signed whatever she had with her. She also had a camera and she nervously clicked away. I doubted if any of those would turn out.

Then I saw Jasper, waving to me, near the black car, which was my destination. And inside was now the reason for all of this.

She was there, waiting for me anxiously, I'm sure. She'd be concerned, afraid someone might harm me. That felt so fucking damned good to know. Someone really cared. About me. Not what I was going to do for them with the spoils of my success.

I couldn't wait to take her to my rented house by the beach. She was going to love it, I think. It was very private and cozy.

It would be so right having her there. She's exactly what's been missing.

Am I really thinking these thoughts? How have I fallen for her so fast? It's incredible. I never thought it would happen to me this way.

I was only a few yards away from the door now. I felt an incredible pull from that direction.

What the hell was happening to me? I didn't think I could resist even if I wanted to. And I definitely did NOT want to.

She held my essence in her hands. This was a bloody scary feeling, letting one person have that power. I was going to give her my trust.

Never in my 29 years had any one person, other than my mum and dad, been entrusted with my heart. I'd never even been close to this enormity of emotion.

The closest one was when I was 23, and I just didn't want to think about that any more. Ever. It had taken me all these years to finally get over enough to allow someone to get close again. Nuff said.

I had to concentrate on the amazing blue eyes, so close now.

Jasper opened the door and I hopped in. She was waiting, a smile so stunning, it took my breath away.

Wow. This is real. I leaned over…

**A/N: Reality…for Edward…and Tracy?**

**I can tell…your fingers are twitching, you're waiting for it…you know you want to…**

**The Drill! GO! GO! GO! ;)**


	12. Justsurreal

**Disclaimer: Yo, Steph! Thanks for giving us Twilight! Luv ya, babes 3**

**I have to warn you that some of what is to come, after this one, will be dark. You might not want to continue reading. I'm sorry, but…**

**I have also been busy reading other FF's, and one excellent one is called "Expectations and Other Moving Pieces" by Chrometurtle. I am in awe of this talented writer. Also, go read Belgravia by MsRobPattzMasen…a great WIP read…encourage her to continue…she's a great friend.**

**OH! The biggest news of this week: I have a new blog doing author interviews Twi-Crazi...can't remember if I'd mentioned it already...but this week I interviewed...*drumroll* Sebastien Robichaud, who wrote University of Edward Masen! I know! I couldn't believe it either. Please have a gander... www(dot)twi-crazi(dot)blogspot(dot)com/author-interview-with-Sebastien**

**xxxxOOOxxxx**

We had a 40 minute drive from the airport to the house that Edward was staying in. It was right on the beach. It was a white wood board bungalow with pink climbing rose vines surrounding it on trellises and pergolas. The fragrance was deliciously sweet as we approached the front door.

He opened the front door with his key, turned around and faced me with a look that was drop-dead gorgeous. It took my breath away and left me dizzy.

He grabbed me, pulled me into his arms, and spun me around so that I was inside the entryway of the house before I realized what had happened. Still not releasing me, he closed the door with his foot, and leaned against it. He repeatedly kissed me, hovering slightly so that I could feel his cool, mint-flavoured breath in my mouth, between each one.

He looked pleased to finally have reached our destination. It was a long, albeit interesting, trip. I let out a deep sigh and sunk into his long, sinewy arms.

"Now let me show you where you can put your things," he said as he led me down the entry hall and then to the right being a smaller hallway which had three doors.

He stopped at the first door on the left, which was the washroom. Yeah. We'd have to share.

Then the second door was the master bedroom, and a door on the right side was another bedroom, to which he motioned for me to enter.

He had a mysterious, quizzical look on his face though, which I didn't comprehend.

"What is that look for?" I asked, too tired to figure it out for myself.

I dragged myself to the plush, chintz-covered chair beside the bed. There was a big flat screen TV on the wall across from the bed. It was a pretty room, mostly in sky blues and yellows. Floral wallpaper covered the wall behind the bed. There was an eyelet duvet cover, with matching pillow covers and lots of blue and sea-foam green accent pillows.

"Nothing…I'll let you freshen up. If you aren't too tired, come out into the living room after, ok?"

"Mm-hmm, I will. I won't be too long."

It already felt like I could fall asleep standing up. Didn't know why I was so tired. Didn't we just spend all that time 'relaxing' in the plane?

I didn't think I was going to be staying too long, but I sorted my stuff into drawers anyway. Then took my travel bathroom bag and went to the bathroom. I decided to have a shower at bedtime.

Changing my clothing was definitely a must and I was glad I'd packed my yoga pants and comfortable, light, black long-sleeved sweater. It was perfect for an evening in.

I finally entered the living room, which was totally beautiful, with sand-coloured walls. A floor to ceiling river stone fireplace covering one side wall, with a small fire alight. There was another huge flat screen TV on the wall in the opposite wall with two very comfortable, light blue, leather easy chairs facing it.

I looked for Edward, but he wasn't in there but as I turned around I found him walking out from the kitchen, holding two mugs in his hands.

"I made some coffee. Starbucks, of course. Interested?"

He looked proud of himself. He had changed and was totally enticing in his tan khakis and green, long-sleeved sweater. I would have tackled him right there, had he not been holding hot liquids.

"Put those down, you…I want to show you something…" I attempted at coyness, not sure if it came off as such, until…

He placed the mugs down on the nearest flat surface, and stepped slowly toward me. I could see a hint of mischief in his emerald-green eyes and I suddenly didn't think I was the one to surprise him.

Instead, he lunged for me. I shrieked and tried to escape his grasp. It turned into a game of chase, until I couldn't outrun him due to intense laughter.

We landed on the white leather recliner sofa in front of the fireplace. He was gently on top of me, rumbling into my neck, which put me into hysterics.

We continued laughing, until we were breathless. Then we just collapsed onto the sofa, trying to regain composure, staring into the fire.

We rearranged ourselves so that he was holding me from behind, to prevent me from falling off the sofa. He rested his head beside my cheek after kissing my neck and ear.

It was surreal to me. So peaceful. His arms were holding me and I felt secure. I very nearly fell asleep. My eyelids wanted to close so much.

I wanted to see his face, to see if he looked as tired as I felt. I slowly tried to turn around to take a peek. His breathing had slowed and I wondered…I think he had fallen asleep.

How absolutely innocent he looked. I totally relaxed into his slightly muscular arms, then let myself fall asleep.

With the fire still burning, I woke up to Edward kissing my neck again. I could tell it was only a short time later due to the light cascading in through the glass wall.

"I guess we were a little bit exhausted, huh? Do you want me to make another cup of coffee, or would you like a glass of wine?"

He sounded like he was up for anything now. I still felt tired, and didn't want to get up yet. I hugged his arms around me.

"Um, not sure, you?" I think I just wanted to sleep more. Jet lag, I think. I struggled to raise myself off the couch, but he held on tighter. It made me giggle, which once again ignited his tired laughter.

"We should try to stay up a bit longer, so that the time difference won't screw up our days too much. I'll get some wine, it's easier. Unless you want me to nuke this coffee…"

Edward unwrapped his arms leaving my body instantly yearning for him to come back to me. He swung his legs off the sofa, stood up, stretched, and gave a long yawn. It caused me to stifle a yawn but I stayed seated.

The fire was mesmerizing.

He came back after a short while with two wine glasses.

He thought it would be nice to go out onto the deck, so I followed him out. Maybe it would wake me up a bit. He had also grabbed some cheese and crackers, which I supposed were already in the fridge, waiting for us.

I was hungry but hadn't realized it yet. My stomach let out a slow growl. He laughed and stuck a piece of cheese on top of a cracker into my mouth. I returned the favour and he licked my finger.

"You know, we aren't going to get anything done, if you keep up that kind of thing," I teased as I took his hand and licked his finger, too.

"That's it!" He sprung up out of his chair and took my arms, pulling me to my feet. He lifted me into his arms and with powerful strides walked inside, through the living room and straight to the master bedroom.

I squealed with excitement in his arms. He nuzzled my neck with kisses. As we neared the bed, we both became silent. Our desire-filled questioning eyes searched each other's. The answer was 'yes'.

He placed me down gently and began to undress me - one agonizing button at a time. I wanted to just tear the buttons off, but he was the gentleman.

I began my ascent into bliss by pulling up on his sweater, revealing a perfectly toned torso.

Oh my! My heart quickened as did my breathing.

He had managed to complete his task of removing the clothing from my upper body and began to kiss me sweetly in random spots.

My collar bone.

My shoulder.

My ear.

My jaw.

My lips.

My now bare nipple.

Wait! My nipple…I'd like him to just linger there for a lot longer. I arched my back in response to his ministering. He was a most kind, responsive lover and, without so much as a word, continued to suckle and nip at it, then the other.

Oh…that was so good.

I grabbed a fistful of his hair, pulling his face up to mine. I kissed him hungrily, greedily never wanting to stop. He returned the kiss with his tongue claiming my mouth.

I was now on fire!

I think his desire was making its presence known as he ground his hips into mine.

Now all that was left was to remove any obstacles that prevented us from consummating our wants and needs.

I lifted my hips to meet his, too impatient for his languorous tormented methods.

"Edward," I huskily breathed, "…now…please…"

He stalled for an instant, burned me with his most sexy gaze and acquiesced.

"Yes, baby…," his voice trailed off as he thrust into me.

It was sublime. Each thrust was with as much passion as he could muster and I welcomed him with thrusts of my own in return .

He was not stingy, forcing himself to reach deeper and deeper into my core.

"Aaaahh….baby…so sweet," he crooned into my ear, licking it and biting it.

Then the momentum really began to build. I could feel myself being pulled up..up..up…

The control I didn't realize I had had suddenly vanished. I just needed him to reach and feel me…gripping…it was uncontrollable.

The emotions overflowed the body's reactions.

This was it. Fuck!

I lost control. I clenched around him inside of me…hard. Over. And Over. And over.

It caused him to come into me with violent surges.

"Baby…you're…amazing," breathlessly Edward whispered. Then he retreated himself and collapsed beside me.

xxxxxxOOOOOOxxxxxx

Waking up in his room, with the curtains billowing in the breeze, through the open sliding glass door, was again, surreal.

He was stroking my hair and starting to kiss me from my hand up to my shoulder, then toward my neck. It made me giggle.

I turned to him and intertwined my fingers through his hair, pulling him toward me. He was a fabulous kisser. I didn't believe I ever could get tired of it.

"Would you mind terribly if we didn't venture outside today? I seem to have developed other plans to keep us busy…," he breathed into my ear.

The thrill of his voice sent me spiraling into a deep chasm of joy. Could life get any better? Every single moment was heavenly.

xOx

As he went to prepare some breakfast and coffee for us, I hopped into the shower. I'm sure my hair was something to see, after the long flight and glorious night.

There's only so much a man must endure. I needed to give him a break. I took my time, drying my hair and putting some freesia scented lotion all over. Now I felt more human, decent even.

There was a purple silk dressing gown hanging on the door hook, which I slipped on.

Why would he have one of those here? I'd have to ask him later.

As I stepped out, he was sitting outside on the deck, sipping his coffee, feet up on the chair opposite his. He turned his head as I stepped through the doorway and took my hand in his and kissed the back of it softly.

"Mmmm…you smell nice. Are you trying to see how many different methods of torture it will take to put me over the edge, or what?"

He then yanked me onto his lap, and I lost my balance and fell into it rather clumsily. He wound his arm around my neck and kissed me square on the lips forcefully.

I thought it best if I wormed my way out of his clutch, in order to have a chance at eating. Eating didn't seem to be much of a priority when I was with him, but I didn't want my stomach's insistent growls to spoil any mood unexpectedly.

He didn't want to release his grip on me, but I persisted and eventually he let his hold weaken.

I hadn't realized how much I'd missed my morning coffee, and this was the best tasting I'd had. He was good at so many things.

I let my mind wander for a second. Mmmm…

He had also prepared toast with fruit jam and a hard-boiled egg.

"Thank you for this, it's delicious. Where did you learn to take care of a lady, anyway? Oh, and whose dressing gown is this? Is it ok for me to wear it?"

"Taking care of you is purely instinct, I believe, my love. You make it easy. And it's for you. I was being hopeful and asked my assistant to pick it up for me."

"An assistant? That makes sense, I guess. There must be tons of things that need to be taken care of by an assistant. How many other people know that I'm here?"

I was suddenly growing uneasy, not as confident. What would other people think of me being here… with him? It had been different, not having anyone he knew know about me. Like it was a make-believe world, not real.

"Yes there's always appointments, flights to arrange, hotels, that kind of thing. I'm still getting used to having one. And nobody else knows about you…yet. I can't wait though. They'll love you. I was thinking that I'd invite a few people here tomorrow, sort of a barbecue thing. Would that be ok with you?"

He looked so excited at the thought, and I silently cringed.

I didn't know if I was ready for being' out-ed'.

I think he could tell by the pained expression on my face that I was apprehensive. He slid his chair closer to mine and put his arm around my shoulders, kissing the side of my face.

"No need to worry, Tracy, really. Just be yourself, no pretenses here. They're all really nice people and down to earth. They're not your regular Hollywood types. They are my friends."

"Are you really sure you want to expose yourself to their reactions so early. I mean, what if what we've begun here doesn't last. You'll probably get bored of me soon. I won't be upset. You've given me a lifetime worth of absolutely divine memories so far. I couldn't ask for anything more," for some inexplicable reason my brain was spiraling down toward the pits of despair, "maybe we should set a time limit, so that you won't feel awkward about having to cut if off…"

I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I tried to look away from him, so that he wouldn't feel pressured. Fortunately the tears escaped on the opposite side from him.

"Is that what kind of man you think I am?" He paused, at a loss for words, his brows furrowed and he reached up to run his fingers through his mess of hair.

Uh-oh.

He looked angry for a few seconds, then leaned back in his chair, folded his arms and stared out to the crashing surf. I didn't know what to say anymore. I had definitely ruined the mood. I just didn't want him to feel trapped.

"I'm sorry…my self-confidence won't let me enjoy anything for too long. I have to brace myself for the fall, because it always comes. I guess it's a way of self-preservation or something."

I stroked the back of his hand, trying to coax his arm to reach mine. He didn't turn his head to look at me choosing to gaze out into the vast expanse of the Pacific Ocean . He looked incredibly hurt.

I got up to walk away. Might as well let him be alone, to think. Maybe I should have saved that speech until it was time for my visit to end. I'd obviously ruined the most amazing thing I'd ever had.

That was stupid. I thought I was going to lose my composure any second, so I hurried to "my" room. I closed the door and buried my head into my pillow and proceeded to lose it. I tried not to make it too loud.

Then I felt his hand stroke the hair from my face.

He pulled my arm, to make me turn over onto my back and brushed the hair out of my face. I was embarrassed, my face showing obvious signs of a pity party crying session. I covered it with my arm and tried to turn over in the other side.

He was having none of that. He partially laid down beside me and held my cheek and started to kiss my tears from my face. I couldn't look at him no matter how he tried to engage my eyes to his.

Not wanting to suppress the sobbing that was bursting from my insides anymore, I buried my face in his shoulder. He hugged me closer. No words were spoken between us. He just continued to stroke my hair and back in a comforting way.

It took a pretty long time, but eventually I couldn't squeeze anything more out. My erratic breathing took a while longer to settle down, though.

"Are you quite done yet?" he asked as he lifted my chin up in order to gaze into my swollen eyes.

He kissed me once on each eye so tenderly it made my heart ache. How could he still want to look at me, let alone show any affection toward me? I must look like an emotionally unstable crazy person to him.

I just wanted the earth to swallow me up now, before I got any more insane.

"You know, I didn't know you could act, too…I thought you were as into me as I was into you…" he was half smiling, half quizzical.

"You fooled me pretty good. I'm embarrassed to have been taken for such a fool."

"What? No!" My brilliant response to his opening of his soul.

I didn't know if he was being serious. I didn't know how to respond to what he was saying. I didn't understand why he was saying this. He was into me? It's really over. It's my own fault, I know.

"Okay, now I feel like you're jerking me around. First you're mad, then you're comforting me, then you're…you're…I don't know what you're doing now…I really can't process it right now. I don't know what you want me to say."

"Me - jerking you around! What did your little speech on the patio mean? You spend the night with me and then you tell me that you think we should end this, this…whatever this is…I thought it was all good, no, great actually…I finally met a woman I could be myself with, have a laugh with, without any pretenses…I was so elated…my guard was completely down…" He looked like he was about to lose it.

His lip was quivering just a bit, and he turned away, but I noticed.

"Oh…I'm an idiot…I'm so, so sorry…forgive me, please…please…" I sat up so that I could wrap my arms around him. He was hunched over, totally deflated.

I started to kiss his face –every single square inch of his beautiful face. His eyes remained shut as I kissed his eyelids.

As I reached his lips, his limpid green eyes slowly re-opened. He slightly responded to my lip kisses. They were bittersweet.

I sensed that there was hope. I continued kissing them, over and over and over until he started to return my attempts.

And when he did, it was like a dam bursting. I was totally swept up in the rush. I hadn't dreamed that it could get any better, but I was so wrong.

It was total relief and elation. I closed my eyes and let him have me.

**A/N: Even if you just accidentally clicked on this story and found yourself in this chapter, let me know what you think. Please.**

**The rest of you…The Drill!**

**Ready? Set! GO!**

**Mwah!**


	13. What Time Is It?

**Disclaimer: Stephanie…Meyer…Twilight…all hers…**

**I don't normally put both POV into one chapter, but Tracy's was so short…**

Edward was not there when I awoke. I laid there for awhile, getting my thoughts organized. What had happened? Was it day or night? I've lost track of time.

Let me think…what were we doing before…?

Oh yeah, breakfast. So it must not be too late in the day. Where did he go? I pulled on my black clam diggers and pink t-shirt.

I couldn't see him, but I heard some music playing. I think it was in this house, but it could have been coming from outside.

There was nobody in the house. Told myself to not panic.

Where was my cell phone? Found it on the living room coffee table. I stepped out onto the balcony and sat down to make my phone call. It rang…no answer. I didn't leave a message. He'd call back.

Maybe I should look for him on the beach. I took my cell with me and headed down the steps to the sand. I walked all the way to the edge of the water, took my sandals off.

The water was pretty cold, so I just stayed walking along the water's edge. I kept walking for what felt like an hour, until I couldn't see the house any more.

It was such a pretty area. I stopped walking and sat down on the sand. There were a few couples walking along the beach, lost in their own worlds. They ignored me. I soon was lost in my own thoughts, staring out into the ocean.

Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed another person walking toward me. It was a man. He stopped about 6 feet from where I was, level with me. He coughed and looked at me, I thought. I tried to ignore him by keeping my gaze straight out to the water.

"Excuse me, do you know what time it is?" he said as he nervously approached me.

He had shuffled over closer to me. He was trying to engage me in conversation. He was a disheveled looking man, in his forties, I guessed, dressed in casual clothing. A perfect outfit for the well-to-do beach resident.

"Sorry, I'm not sure. Not wearing a watch…," I held up my hand in proof.

"How about your cell phone? Does it have a clock?" He was observant, as he pointed to my other hand.

"Oh, yeah. Sorry, I forgot I had it. It's 3:22," I quickly looked away. I started to feel uncomfortable, so I got up to a standing position. He put his hand on my elbow to assist me and I looked up at him. He was smirking out of one corner of his mouth.

"Thanks. I'm ok," I was embarrassed and probably not hiding it well with my blushing. Why was I blushing?

Then the next thing I knew there was a jabbing pain in my arm. I was confused. I looked down at the syringe he was poking me with and then looked up at him. I couldn't understand why he was doing this.

And then my head was beginning to spin. He took a hold of me and led me away from the water and toward another house on the beach.

It was now impossible for me to focus, so I didn't know what was happening or where I was. I couldn't talk, I found out after attempting to scream. Where was my voice? My thinking was also getting erratic. I could just tell that I was now inside - somewhere dark.

The very last feeling I had was that of my sweater being torn off my body.

And then…

Nothing.

O_/_|

**EPOV**

Wow! What a night we had! It was fucking (no pun intended) fantastic! I'm starving though. Hmmm...she will be too when she wakes up. I don't want to wake her yet. I'll surprise her with a very late breakfast in bed. And then maybe...

I cannot get enough of her. She knows all the right places to touch and squeeze and stroke. Hmmm...

I have to stop thinking about it, or I will wake this angel sleeping in my bed too soon. I want her well rested for the day I have planned.

But first, breakfast. I'll call the little 24-hour diner in Vancouver, who serve breakfast all day, called Jethro's and have them prepare a feast for take-out. I heard their banana pecan pancakes were to die for.

It shouldn't take me that long to drive up there and back. I'll leave a note on the night table for Tracy, just in case she wakes before I return.

I've never really noticed or appreciated the beauty of my surroundings before today. It is a stunning place to live. Compared to shitty, wet England, which I love, don't get me wrong. Home is always home, no matter how deplorably depressing the scenery, or the weather. Here, it's so green and bright and perfect. At least at this time of year.

I love this car too. The studio gave it on loan to me while I'm out here. It's a top of the line, Dodge Viper, in Graphite, a 2-seater convertible.

Not that I'd put the top down. I'd have screaming teen-aged girls jumping inside if they ever saw me at a red light or a stop sign.

But maybe...I'm on the highway and not stopping for a while. Click. That is fucking awesome. The wind blowing through my hair feels amazing.

My other brain is getting restless and aching for her. I'll give it a bit more gas, to get me back sooner, before I'm totally distracted.

As I rounded the corner, I saw him. Shit. The bobbie. I was in for it now. I saw him squeal from his hiding spot and turn his lights on.

I immediately took my foot off the pedal and slowed down. I pulled over.

Shit. Shit. Shit!

This was going to delay me. My throbbing ceased for a few minutes.

I waited patiently – not – for him to exit his cruiser and saunter up to my door. He was jotting down information in his note pad.

Shit.

"Sir, license and registration, please," he demanded in monotone.

I quickly started to comply. But as I looked for my license, I realized that I had forgotten it at home. I had my wallet, but I'd taken out the license when I was filling out a form for the passport visa back in Toronto, a few days ago.

Shit!

"I'm so sorry, officer...umm…I think I must have left it in my other jacket when I was in Toronto a few days ago. How can I resolve this the best possible way, sir?" I was sweating bullets, wracking my brain for a solution. I had to get back to her.

"Well, I see that a studio owns this vehicle, sir, and I'll have to check and see if it's stolen or not. Just wait in your vehicle while I call this in, please," he looked wary now and was gauging my response, to determine what degree of wary he should actually be. He strolled back to his cruiser and got inside.

I tried to smile politely, not overdoing it. And remain calm. But I was anything but calm inside.

Fuck! How could I be so idiotic?

I wanted to phone, but I knew that the officer would not allow me to do that.

I could tell there was a blinking light going off, which meant that someone had tried to call me. Probably Tracy.

Shiiiittt! I could scream, but instead I began pulling at my hair in frustration.

It took a good 15 minutes for the officer to return to my door. He was smiling this time. That was a good sign, I think.

"Well, Mr. Cullen, your story is verified, and you just need to show your identification at the nearest police station as soon as you find your license. Your manager, who was at the studio offices, said he'd vouch for you until then. Just watch your speed please, sir. Wouldn't want this beauty wrapped around a tree, now, would we?" He tipped his hat toward me as he turned around and walked back to his cruiser.

Phew! That went well. But I still am going to be really late. I grabbed my cell phone and dialed the house phone. No answer. Shit! Where was she? Maybe she was in the shower?

Then I remembered that there was a call for me while I was pulled over. I checked, but there was no message. The number was from the house.

Shit!

I decided that I'd pick up the breakfast and head back. No speeding this time.

When I returned, the house was empty.

She was probably out having a walk. I stood outside on the deck, trying to see if I could see her close by. No such luck. I decided to take a walk down the beach. There was no sign of her in either direction.

Just as I started doubling back, something shiny caught my eye. As I approached it, I saw that it was a cell phone, half covered in sand.

I picked it up and realized it was Tracy's.

Shit!

The last number dialed was mine.

Double shit! Fuck!

Now my heart was pounding through my chest and up toward my throat. I was panicking. Where was she? A feeling of dread was beginning to take firm hold of my body.

What should I do? I ran back to the house and started making phone calls.

I first called James. "What should I do?" He could sense the utter panic in my shaky voice.

"I'll call the police, Edward. Try to remain calm. Keep the phone line open and wait for my call." He hung up.

I felt helpless. I collapsed on the step, my head on my knees, my hands in my hair.

James arrived at my house about the same time as the first police officer did. I was beyond frantic. I'm surprised I had any hair left, after running my nervous hands through it a million times in the last half hour. I didn't have any more energy and my body was sagging into itself.

Where the fuck was she? It was beginning to get dark outside now and finding her would become harder, if not impossible.

Did she wander too far away and lose her way? Did she go into the water?

Oh my god, not the water! I lost it when I thought of her drowning, all alone.

James talked to the ambulance attendant who had arrived as a precaution, as they always did when 911 was called.

The paramedic came over to check me out. I was pretty much hysterical. He talked to me in a calm voice and tried to talk me down from the panicked state I was in. He then got on his cell phone and was talking to a doctor. He wanted permission to give me a sedative, as he was unable to reach me.

Permission was apparently granted, as he gave me a pill to swallow with a bottle of water. I didn't want to calm down.

Fuck! Tracy was out there and I needed her to be found.

I couldn't live without her. I couldn't. I wouldn't.

In spite of my best effort to hang onto my grief and despair, the pill slowly took effect. I collapsed onto the leather couch. James then put the blanket throw over my body, as I'd started to shake uncontrollably. I just wanted...to...find

o_^_

**A/N: Edward…can he keep it together? And Tracy…will she be found?**

**Tracy might be in store for a rough ride…**

**Rec: Please read Bella Voce by Morgan Locklear…it's really good. He's my Bestie…MOG – hope you landed on something super-soft…lol (he doesn't read this – he's ok)**

**And now….The Drill! GO!**


	14. The Monster POV

_**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer does not know I am fooling with her Edward…even though I don't own him. I'll give him back, I swear…**_

_**This is a totally new direction for this story to veer…it wasn't in the original posting. My faithful followers might not agree with my decision to add this darkest of the dark chapters. It is necessary to tie up and answer some loose ends from that version.**_

_**This is the "Monster's" inner dialogue…**_

MPOV

I woke up this morning feeling pretty shitty. My life was hell. The voices in my head were unstoppable. They just wouldn't shut the fuck up!

I tried to make them stop by drinking last night. I drank a lot. I couldn't remember stopping. I woke up on the kitchen floor, apparently…what? Shut up!

Shut…the…fuck…up!

I won't do that. Just leave me alone! Please. I started to cry. I bawled like a baby, actually. And for a stupidly long time.

Dad would have whipped my ass if he'd seen my loss of control. Yup. He would have whipped…

Dad never lost control. And he liked to control everyone around him too. Me especially. When he couldn't do that anymore, he kicked my sorry ass out the door.

I wouldn't conform to his liking. I dabbled in drugs. Okay, it was way more than dabbling. I had to start dealing in order to feed my own habit.

I stole money and anything I could sell from dad so that I could get a fix. He finally caught on. That's when he drew the line in the proverbial sand. He said to never show my face on his doorstep again. Ever.

Well, fuck him, the motherfucker!

I didn't need his shit anymore.

That was 3 years ago and I managed fine without his constant nagging. Now instead of dad's voice nagging me, it was strangers' voices. Lots of them - in my head. I couldn't make them stop. Even in my sleep. I dreamt of the voices. There were no bodies attached to the voices. There were no faces to the voices.

Just bloody fucking scary voices.

Covering my ears did absolutely no fucking good. Drinking wouldn't make them silence. More drugs just added more voices.

Shit.

I thought I'd go insane. Maybe I was insane already.

But I knew there was a part of me that still knew things. That part knew where I lived. That same part knew that I should get dressed every day.

The fact that I dressed in the same dirty, smelly clothing didn't make a fuck difference.

I remembered once waking up in a bus shelter, with people around me, staring at me. I couldn't understand what they were saying, but I knew they were talking at me. Then some other people came and lifted me up, put me in a car and took me to a hospital.

My stay there was really short. I think it was just one sleep. Could have been more…wasn't sure.

I guess my sleeps were me coming in and out of consciousness. So it could have been days, weeks, maybe only hours. Who gave a damn.

The people, or doctors and nurses, I guess, kept asking me questions. Questions that I couldn't always answer. Like what day it was. My name. Where did I live?

Sometimes I answered them. Sometimes I didn't.

I did whatever the voices told me to do.

If I did that, sometimes they would be quiet for a while. That's all I wanted.

For the fucking voices to...shut…the…hell…up!

I tried to distract myself by physically hurting myself. Thought that maybe then they'd know I meant business.

They couldn't take up residence in my brain without suffering consequences.

But it didn't work. What the fuck?

The doctors in the hospital kept using big words to try and assess my situation. They tossed around manic, depressive, schizo…something, paranoid…shit like that.

I'm not sure which one they labeled me as, as I didn't stick around long enough to find out.

They talked about giving me pills. Shit that's all I needed…more drugs.

What was the matter with them? Even I knew that drugs were probably the reason for my fucked up mental state.

It was getting pretty hard to think cohesive thoughts. I think that at some point I believed that I was in charge of all the people on the sidewalks. I'd yell at them to stay in a straight line. But they wouldn't listen.

Why wouldn't they listen to me? They needed to listen to me, to all of the voices shouting the same thing in my head.

There was one day when the voices became eerily quiet. I thought I had maybe died. Or gone deaf. I wandered onto a beach from the street. I crept through the alleys between some houses along the beach.

I was hungry, so first I tried the doors on a few houses until I found one unlocked.

I went inside, just to check their fridge for anything. It had been a long, long time since I'd had anything besides garbage from the back of a restaurant's dumpster.

It wasn't actually that bad sometimes. People threw out good pieces of meat because the place just gives them too much for their order.

This house was really well stocked with a variety of foods. I gorged on everything I could fit into my belly.

Once that was done I tried to turn on their TV, but there were so many remotes that I couldn't figure out which one to use, let alone which button on the right one. I threw those gadgets around the room in frustration.

Fuck!

I fell asleep on the couch soon after eating. It wasn't a very good sleep, but felt great because I actually had something soft to lie on. Not the usual pavement or bare dirty floor in a dilapidated, condemned building.

I knew I was waking up because I could hear the murmuring of the familiar voices in my head. They were slowly getting louder and louder until I couldn't stand it and I went outside.

I thought they'd flee from my head in the sunlight. That didn't happen. What the fuck did I think – that they were vampires or some such shit?

I wandered the beach trying to reign in my thoughts.

I couldn't do that. I couldn't do this. Not one minute longer. It was too hard. I had no more strength in me to fight with these motherfuckers.

There was one voice which was making itself heard through all the others and it had a sort of mantra to its babbling.

The others seemed to make room for it. They quieted down enough for me to distinguish the words.

Each word being echoed in my head now. It was getting more annoying with each minute.

Something about the humming made me calm. Although my brain was a tidal wave of noise, it was controlling my body. I felt fluid in my movements. I felt as close to normal as I had in a really long time.

I stumbled onto the beach, unsure of my footing in the soft sand disappearing underneath my jerky steps.

The sunlight blinded me for a few moments and I covered my head.

I went to grab a cigarette from my pocket and was shocked to find a syringe…When the hell did that get there?

I wracked my brain to remember who or what or where it had come from. The dominant voice in my head was giddy with anticipation. What the fuck? What about this bizarre scene was making him so fucking happy?

I instantly slipped it back into my pocket, but didn't take my hand off of it. The voice wouldn't let me.

As I passed a few people, couples mainly, I became more agitated by the intensity of the voice in the foreground of my messed up brain.

I saw a woman sitting on the beach, just sunning herself. I was drawn to her. Don't know why the fuck that would happen. But the voice egged me to go toward her.

The mantra got louder…and louder…'take her'.

My palms started itching around the syringe.

What the fuck? I knew this was not going to end well. I couldn't stop. I thought that the faster this was over, the faster the fucking voice would leave my head. But I had to keep control.

The closer I got to her, the louder still the voice became. It filled my brain so that I could no longer hear 'myself' think. All I could manage was "FUUUUCCCCKKKK!"

For one minute though, I was guided by the voice to ask her what time it was. What the shit do I need to know that for?

She said she didn't know. She looked away.

"Think fast," the voice controlled, "what about your cell?" I think that was me talking…

She smiled and awkwardly pulled out her cell phone, looked at it and replied with the time which I had no fucking interest in anyway.

What happened after that suddenly became out of my control. I could see glimpses of actions that were now totally in control of the voice.

I pulled out the syringe.

I stabbed her with it. She was shocked, then disabled, then out. Like a fucking light.

Then I was in a house.

It was dark.

She laid there, motionless.

A heavy metal mallet with a long wooden handle whizzed by my eyes.

It made contact with her body. Ohh! Shit! I closed my eyes. I couldn't look. This was worse than any fucking movie I'd ever seen.

I could somehow feel the out of control way my arms were flailing about me. My inner self was holding on tight. Just wait. It'll be over. Then the voice would leave.

I peaked at the twisted female below me again. Oh God! There was blood everywhere. Her limbs were not looking normal. They were broken, with pieces of bone sticking out…everywhere.

Holy mother of god!

PLEASE STOP!

I started pleading with one who was in control now. Inwardly crying, begging, promising anything. Just so that it would stop.

And then.

Nothing.

No voice.

==========================?

I couldn't look back at her. I ran to vomit into the laundry tub. Over and over.

I had to get out of here.

I was scared shitless.

Had I done that? No. It was the voice.

I couldn't hear any more voices. I ran as fast as I could. I ran as far as I could.

I ran and ran until I could only walk due to hyperventilation. I started wheezing by the side of the road. I collapsed onto the grass by the sidewalk.

Then before I could get up there was a police officer pulling up on a motorcycle.

Hell!

"Sir, please stand up," he commanded.

I tried to obey…but couldn't. I was beyond exhaustion. My body wouldn't comply.

"I…can't…" I replied. And began to sob.

He mumbled into something on his shoulder. They replied. That was like the voices in my head, I randomly thought. He indicated that he needed assistance.

Assistance? For what? Me? Oh, shit!

Another officer appeared within…minutes? I don't the fuck know. Time was blurry.

They assessed the 'situation' together.

Situation? Me? Shit!

"Sir? Where did you come from?" The other one inquired warily. Why did he sound like that?

"Um…I'm not sure…don't remember…" I feebly answered. I watched as they decided on the next course of action.

Action? On me? Shit!

"Okay, sir…you need to come with us. It looks like you've been in quite a scuffle. You're covered in blood."

He reached for my arms, to pull me into standing position. Then they led me into the cruiser parked behind the motorcycle.

Fuck!

"What's your name sir?" The first one asked me, paper and notebook in hand.

Had to think. My name?

"Mikey."

A/N: I know. Mikey. Who else? I'm creeped out as well.

The DRILL!


	15. Unrecognizable

**Disclaimer: Ms. S. Meyer created the Twilight world, I did not. I'm just making her Eddie suffer. **

**A/N: what can I say? It's not a day in Disneyland for Edward, or Tracy. **

This nothing-ness was not painful. I couldn't move yet, my limbs were not responding to my brain's signals at all. It was like having my ears plugged with putty. My eyes were completely blurred.

My taste was the only sense that I think was intact. And all I could taste was a bitter chemical aftertaste. I did not recognize it, or did I? It sort of reminded me of when I had come out of anaesthesia in the past after having gall bladder surgery.

I also could not remember a thing that had happened after a man had asked me for the time. I think that might be a good thing. Was he going to kill me? What was he waiting for? I was hoping it would happen while I still couldn't feel anything.

The time was irrelevant. Seconds, minutes, hours, days… weeks?

I was in and out of consciousness so much it was totally impossible to tell. Why was I not dead? Why was I drifting out of consciousness all the time?

The silence was driving me mad. It reminded me of stories I'd heard where people were awake on the operating room table, while the surgeons had their insides out of their bodies and they could feel everything, but were unable to talk, to scream. The agony they must have felt.

At least I couldn't feel pain. Should there be pain? And then I was out again.

Slowly as I awoke again I started to hear something. It was really far away. I couldn't make out what it was. It started to fade away. I passed out again.

I tried opening my eyes, but the lids were so heavy. Everything was blurry at first and then my eyes began to un-cloud. It wasn't as dark anymore and I noticed a small light to the right of my head.

I couldn't move my head to look, though. I almost lost it again, but I tried to hang on, and I did it. Or so I remember thinking, too soon, and I was out again.

In my unconsciousness, my dreams began to fill my nothingness. I was dreaming about the ocean, hypnotic, as I looked out to it. I was walking in my clothing, into deeper water, with the waves lapping at my legs. Deeper I waded and the waves got stronger, almost pushing me over. I tried to balance myself with my hands on top of the surface. It was somehow peaceful and I desired to go deeper.

But then I heard someone calling me from the shore. I tried to turn around to see who it was, but I couldn't. Then I felt the pull of a current around me, trying to suck me under. I heard the voice again, louder this time.

EPOV

"Tracy," I screamed and woke myself up.

It was just past 5:30 a.m., and the sun was now beginning to rise. The twilight of the morning lighten-ing gave the scattering of clouds an eerie pinkish tinge.

I hadn't had such an unsettled sleep in all of my life. My dreams were filled with searching for something, someone. Of course I knew it was 'her'. I couldn't find her. And when I thought I had seen a glimpse of her and turned to run toward her, she disappeared. It was those damn escalators again. Tens of them, all going in different directions. I couldn't get off the one I was on, like my feet were stuck on the stair.

I woke up exhausted and sweating. I ran my hands through my slick fucked-up hair. I needed a shower. I dragged myself into the bathroom, and seeing her toiletries in one neat corner of the countertop made me lose it. I crumpled onto the tile floor, clutching myself and screaming silently. The agony of not knowing where she was...not knowing if she was alive...oh god...she had to be alive!

Please God! I've never asked anything from you my entire life, but this one fucking thing.

I don't know how long I remained crouching on the floor, but when I heard voices from the living room, I pulled my shit together and forced myself to move my feet, one in front of the other, forward into the shower. The pulsing hot water from the shower forced me into lucidity.

I had to concentrate and find her. I couldn't waste any more energy on my own self-pity. She needed me to focus. I had to be a pillar for her. I ended the shower with cold water to jar me onto a state of physical alertness.

I stumbled out into the living room to find James, Jasper and two police officers discussing the turn of events. There was a witness. Someone had seen a woman being led away from the beach, just before sunset yesterday. That was a significant lead. She gave them the area of the beach to begin their search.

I wanted to participate, but the officers said that it would be best if I waited here for them to contact me. Shit. How could I just sit here and do nothing?

They said there were officers down there already, combing the area. If she was anywhere nearby, they would find her. They were confident of that fact. They had a search party waiting to be briefed and a grid pattern planned to begin in the next half an hour.

"Why can't I do that?" I pleaded with the officers.

"Edward, you are in no shape to go on an all-day search. You had a full-blown panic attack last night and I don't think you have the energy to do much of anything today," James was trying to convince me. It made me bloody angry. What am I? Some bloody school-girl? I could handle myself and be helpful.

"Sir, you are too close to this situation to be helpful. If we discover anything we will let you know immediately. We are still in rescue mode, but if that changes to...well, you wouldn't want to be the one who..." he suddenly began to stutter and was distracted. He had something in his ear, which he put his finger up to and his eyes unfocused. He seemed to be listening to something outside of this room.

"Yes. Copy that. Mr. Cullen, if you'll just be patient a little while longer, and stay put. We may have found something," he suddenly left the room via the balcony door and disappeared.

What? Fuck! I was going mental with not knowing anything. James was trying to distract me by making coffee or some such shit. He asked me if I was hungry. Are you fucking kidding me?

I started to pace by the wall of windows, trying to see who was out there. My hair was actually beginning to fall out as I ran my hand through it again for the millionth time. I shook off the strands in disgust. I didn't care about myself at all. I was an arrogant bastard for thinking my body was god's gift. Who gave a rat's ass?

And then I thought I heard something buzzing. My cell! Where the fuck was it? I ran around the living room, then my bedroom, but couldn't find it. Hell! Don't stop buzzing. But it did. I continued to search for it, and finally found it in yesterday's jeans pocket on the floor of the bathroom.

And then it started buzzing again. Shit. I was suddenly seized with panic and struggled to answer it.

"Hello," my voice barely audible. My hand was trembling, not knowing what I would hear on the other end of the line.

"Mr. Cullen. There's an officer coming to pick you up right now. Can you please go with her?" the officer ordered, not waiting for my response and the line went dead.

She was at the front door no sooner than I'd ended that call. I looked at James before turning to face what I did not know. I couldn't tell by the expression on the officer's face whether it was good news or the end of my life.

We didn't get into a cruiser, but walked along the road to about the tenth house away from mine. There was an ambulance, fire truck and several police cruisers randomly parked near the house. Just as I reached the fire truck, they were wheeling a stretcher out of the front door.

It was Tracy! I ran full sprint to her, but someone stopped me before I could reach her.

"Let me go! She's my...mine...!" I pleaded, but they wouldn't release me.

"Please...let me go to her," I begged some more, frantically.

The officer who was in my house was suddenly by my side. He grabbed hold of my arm and walked me over to the ambulance they were putting her into. He told the attendants that I was her only contact here and needed to go ride with them.

I was beyond thankful to him and I jumped into the back to be with Tracy. What I saw as I finally saw her shocked the hell out of me. She was unrecognizable. Maybe this wasn't her. This was fucking insane. There wasn't any part, other than the colour of her hair, that I remembered being the same. She was all twisted, bruised, battered, cut and swollen beyond belief. She also wasn't conscious. What the hell happened to her?

It, thankfully, was a short ride to the hospital. They asked me to fill out some stupid forms and stuff. I told them I would pay for anything that needed to be done. I asked for a private room, which I think they had already established would happen, seeing the utter mess she was.

After that, they made me wait for what felt like an eternity. The nurse who showed me where to go said that it was a private area, where nobody had access to. I thanked her for her understanding. All I'd need now was for papparazzi to start in on me. I think I'd probably go ballistic and kill them all. Then there'd be nobody to report on the movie star gone berserk in a hospital at least. It would serve them right. The biggest story of their puny little lives and they'd be the unknown victims, with no tabloid covers graced with their fucking bylines.

James had come by and brought me some coffee and a bagel. I actually was finally ready to eat something. I didn't really care what. He stayed for awhile and then said he had to get back to his family. He'd check on me in the morning, or I could call him anytime, if I needed to. I thanked him, but inside knew that he was getting paid to be concerned about me. Shit.

The only one who really cared about me was inside that hospital critical care unit, possibly fighting for her life. She had to make it!

I paced the institutional carpeting, wearing a rut into it, before someone came in to see me. It was a nurse from critical care and she said that Tracy was in the Recovery room, after undergoing emergency surgery.

"She had to have her leg re-set and casted, her elbows re-set and casted, her spine fused in two spots, her right lung had collapsed and they were deciding what the next procedure for her skull fracture would be," she was reading from her chart and not looking into my stunned face.

What the hell? Her leg? Her elbows? Lung? Spine? Skull?

Oh my god! How is she alive? My heart was splintering for her. The pain began crushing my chest and I couldn't breathe. The nurse took quick action by sitting me down and forcing my head down between my knees. She ordered me to take deep breaths. I complied, scared shitless.

She left me gasping for air on the vinyl couch. When she returned she had some water and a sedative for me to take. Again I complied. I needed to get a grip, and I obviously wasn't capable on my own free will. I was a stupid school-girl after all.

I was woken up by a new nurse, who gave me another update on Tracy. There was no real change, she was stable and they had immobilized her head. She suggested that I go home and get some sleep and come back tomorrow. They had her sedated and would be sleeping for a long time. The doctors wouldn't let me see her until tomorrow anyway.

I called Jasper to come and get me. He said he was waiting for me right outside and would meet me at the Emergency room exit. I numbly dragged myself through the cold, grey hospital corridors to the exit. I vaguely noticed the ER waiting room packed to the gills, and some teenaged girl suddenly scream out my name. Oh, fuck! I had to get out of there, fast. I ran straight to the exit and found Jasper standing by a car. I yelled for him to hit it and he knew exactly what that meant. I jumped in before she could reach me. I crouched down on the back bench until we were well out of sight.

When I got home, I undressed as I walked to my bed and collapsed into it. I didn't even have a chance to consciously think about sleeping before it overtook me. I didn't want to sleep, I remember thinking as I walked to my room, but I really didn't have much of a choice. My body was a traitor to my will.

I woke up to my cell buzzing. I could not lift up my head or my hand to pick it up. It stopped. It buzzed again. And again. On the fourth time round, I finally was able to clear the fog in my brain enough to respond to it. It was James, wondering how Tracy was.

Tracy!

I bolted upright in bed, dropping the cell. Fuck. I grabbed it again and James asked me what happened. I recounted the litany from the nurse and he was stunned, as I had been. I told him I had to get ready to go back to the hospital. He suggested that we have an exit plan just in case the same scenario replayed itself, as last night, when the young girl in the ER recognized me. I told him to do whatever, I didn't care. I just wanted to see Tracy. Nothing was going to prevent that from happening.

Jasper was in the driveway within 15 minutes of my call. I had to give him credit, he had the precision of someone trained in the army. He was acutely alert at all times, in his mission to keep me safe. It was a relief to not have to think about the volatile issues surrounding myself.

Once at the hospital, James met me at a little used side entrance and walked with me to the critical care/recovery unit. I waited patiently for a nurse to come and talk to me.

"Mr. Cullen. Nice to meet you," she didn't shake my hand, for fear of spreading germs I guessed. She was all gowned up, with mask and latex gloves.

"Your friend, Tracy, had an uneventful night, thank goodness. She continues to be stable and the doctor is optimistic of her recovery. You may see her for a short time, but be aware that she hasn't regained consciousness. The doctors might put her into a drug-induced coma for a few days if her condition warrants it."

I could see her! That was all I wanted to hear. But I was scared shitless. I remembered what she'd looked like last night. Scary as all get out. My heart began racing inside my chest, practically jumping up through my throat, as I followed the nurse to Tracy's room.

There were wires and tubes and bags and machines trailing, dripping, beeping and buzzing all around her. She had a tube in her mouth, helping her breathe. Her leg and arms were casted and being held up by slings attached to metal bars. Her head, immobile with a brace, and her beautiful face was completely swollen, black, purple and green. Holy mother...

Tears started rolling out from my eyes as I took in the enormity of her injuries. I allowed myself to sob quietly by her side before I started to call her name. I prayed she would hear me...

**I know, I know...so dark. Anyone have a candle? Penlight? **

**I'll be gentle on you…I know, you're traumatized too….so…**

***whispers*…the Drill…remember? Go.**


	16. Christmas Party with Bella

Disclaimer: SM, Twilight, yours, I get it...

This is an Outtake (consider it a Bonus for putting up with me so far) from Love, Unexpected...an answer to a question about Edward's past. I wrote it as part of a Christmas One-Shot for Southern Fan Fiction Review.

BPOV

I couldn't stand the way he talked anymore. That accent drove me insane. The

vernacular he used was equally as distasteful to my ears.

"Hey, babe, how was your day?" was my usual greeting to Edward. He seemed to

enjoy it. Land knows why. He was such an idiot.

"It was brutal. I couldn't understand what the director wanted out of me," he

would drone on and on.

"Those directors are always pricks, Edward. You know that. You should just

forget about it as soon as it dribbles out of their mouths," I encouraged him half-heartedly.

Something I seemed to need to do incessantly these days.

He wrapped his arms around me. I faked a smile. I was an actress, I could do

that easily. He bought it.

"Bella, I love how I can always count on you to make sense of my day. You keep me sane," he was oblivious to my total and deep-down lack of interest.

I didn't have a current project on the go, so I was mostly home whenever he would arrive. I just couldn't get away from this prison due to my own crazy stardom life. Those crazy paparazzi would be lurking everywhere - in the bushes and behind parked cars. Hell, they were even in moving cars if I happened to be out for a random drive. They were fucking insane, taking their lives as well as my own into their hands.

"..and the girl who's supposed to be my love interest…she's like a limp wet rag…" he continued snapping me out of my wandering thoughts, in the monotone which he could deliver so effectively. Shit. What the hell was he on about now?

"Oh, Edward…that's the worst! Who picked her – the director? Is she fucking him or her?" I feigned interest in what was oozing out of his boring-ass mouth.

"Yeah, probably…it's wearing me out, trying to pull something worthwhile out of her, but her acting is honestly so shitty.." he seemed to want to continue boring me out of my fucking mind.

Edward then went to grab something out of the fridge, in which there really wasn't anything decent to choose from. He settled on a wedge of brick cheese, and 3-day-old jambalaya take-out from the local Mexican restaurant in the Hills. He was an animal. It made me want to hurl.

I concentrated on reading the celebrity magazine which was currently on the stands, which had his picture prominently on the cover. They were speculating on our future, our wedding, our family plans, our eventual breakup.

Yah, I knew it was going to happen eventually. Only Edward didn't. I was waiting for the perfect opportunity. I didn't really know how or when, but I knew it would just hit me spur of the moment-like. I didn't want to hurt him necessarily, but I was tired. I didn't know how he couldn't see what our relationship had become - how my reactions to him had changed.

After the evening news, which he always watched, Edward had a good stretch, yawned and hinted at something more when he went to bed. He had to be kidding, I thought.

But then memories flooded through my mind to what our love-making used to be like. I found myself a little bit aroused and curious as to whether it could somehow be that again.

Truth be told, I was bored. We hadn't had sex in I think 3 weeks due to his exhaustive work schedule. And – I was bored out of my mind.

He was waiting for me standing by the bed, naked, with a smirk on his face, running his hands through his unruly mop of bronzed hair. I had to admit he was a fine, fine specimen. God had not been stingy with blessing him with perfectly panti-dropping gorgeous features.

If only I wasn't thoroughly digusted and annoyed by him.

I'm not sure when it started or why, but incrementally every cadence, every nuance, every syllable irritated me to the extreme.

The last time I could remember him not being fucking annoying was at the studio's attempt at a team Christmas party last year.

It was for a movie we were both on contract for – a teen-age love story. We actually were the headliners and everyone suspected that we were getting it on in real life as well. We were in all the tabloids every week but we were bound by contract to not reveal any real life truths to the public. It was some type of hype-building for the movie thing. The studio heads didn't want to lose any revenues from future movie-goers, aka the teenage girls who drooled after Edward.

The party was being held in a private club in downtown Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada. It was close to where we were filming at that time. Almost the whole ensemble and crew were able to make it, with very few having to miss it due to scheduling conflicts. That was rare.

The one person I wasn't too keen on seeing there was Lauren. I couldn't put my finger on it but the way she looked at Edward had my senses on high alert. He seemed to not take any notice of her. Or so I had thought. Just after the main course Edward disappeared. I watched him leave in the direction of the washrooms and really didn't think too much of it.

I was busy chatting it up with some of the extras who had also been allowed to attend this shin-dig and then some of the producers, writers and the director, so hadn't realized how long he'd been gone.

There were also so many people milling about that I didn't notice the one person I should have kept closer tabs on – Lauren. My keen eyes began scanning the room.

My mind was slowly realizing that one and one…made two. Fuck.

I waded my way through the crowd, many of whom tried to stop me to chat about the shoot, and I rudely ignored them, desperate to find them. I first headed to the hallway where the washrooms were and even walked straight into the men's room, but no Edward, no Lauren in the women's either.

I was getting desperate and now panting in desperation in my quest to discover their whereabouts, when the crowd burst into a unified chorus of "Jingle Bells".

Fuck that!

I nearly tripped on the uneven wooden floor in my Laboutin killer heels to try to find a tryst accommodating room. Instinct drove me on.

The sane part of my brain knew that he'd never, ever given me reason to think he would be unfaithful, but just the memory of Lauren's face as she raked him over, spurred me onward.

Just as I was about to climb the dangerously steep stairway up to the main lobby, Edward was sauntering downward.

"Hey, babe!" he smiled at me and waved his hand indicating to wait and I did. I waited at the bottom feeling like a heel for even suspecting that he would ever dare to fool around on me.

As he reached the last step, I reached out for him and caught him with both arms. I buried my face in his chest and that's when I noticed a tell-tale sign. It was a hint of lipstick along the edge of the collar. The colour wasn't even close to mine. I didn't even own any that colour.

Inside I cringed. I couldn't ask. I couldn't even move. I was frozen.

"Hey – what's the matter with you?" Edward pulled me along despite the unwillingness of my feet.

My mind was reeling with the blast of reality. I couldn't comprehend what was staring me in the face. On his collar. Deception. Infidelity.

My heart turned to stone in that instant. Suddenly every single breath, every single twitch, every single glance was a lie.

As we headed back to our table for dessert my brain searched for some way to cope with what was now my truth. I sat beside him and he put his hand on my knee under the table. I cringed inwardly thinking how vile his hand appeared to me now. I really just wanted to run, screaming from that place- far, far away.

There were a few more carols being sung before I could be released from my silent, internal agony.

"Deck the Halls" now reverberated in my head as one more assault to my consciousness. After the sing-song the present exchange began.

It was the stupid kind where everyone picked a number out of a box and then in order picked a present from under the tree and then the next person in queue would either take it from you or pick another wrapped present from under said tree. It was apparently supposed to be hilariously funny, but I was numb.

My number was 26. Edward had to nudge me to come back to the here and now to go either steal someone else's gift or pick another one. I was indifferent so I picked from under the tree. Opening it I saw that it was cranberry-scented candle with a tartan ribbon tied around it to make it more festive.

I politely waved it around so that everyone could see it and smiled. That was about the most difficult act I would have to perform that night. My mind searched for a way out of this mess. I gazed at Edward, not believing how perfectly normal he could behave having done what I thought he had done just minutes prior. I wanted to slap him. I wanted to tear his hair out. I wanted to disappear.

The torture was only beginning as I had to pretend to be amused by the hilarity of the game. A few people had their present 'stolen' and switched with tackier ones. People were convulsing with laughter during the entire event. I pasted on a fake smile and they bought it. They were all too inebriated to really notice anything out of the ordinary.

Edward wasn't behaving in any differently, so I kept my mouth shut.

As I happened to turn my eyes toward the stairs, I saw Lauren slowly descending it, her long slender legs making quite the impression on anyone who happened to glance that way. Scanning the room I noticed quite a few males and females transfixed on that particular sight. Then I looked at Edward, who just happened to flick his gaze that way then quickly changed tactics and concentrated on the game.

If I hadn't witnessed both of them returning through the same staircase within minutes of each other, I'd have thought I was crazy. Edward was as attentive toward me as ever.

I had a decision to make on the spot and that was whether I make a deal of what I was suspecting, or ignore it. I chose to ignore it for the time being. I just had too much to lose if I ended it with him. I'm sure even the studio heads would make me at least keep up pretenses. They had a lot riding on the suspected romance between us. It was all about the almighty dollar in the end.

So that Christmas was devoid of any real excitement for me. I made all the right gestures and comments and Edward went along with everything. We drove home in silence. We were both exhausted for different reasons.

The months went by and I couldn't shake the nagging reminders about that night. I caught glimpses of Lauren, always with one hand touching Edward in any picture in the tabloids. It was infuriating. But each evening before he would come home I forced myself to calm the fuck down. Performance was key. I still wasn't ready to leave him.

That evening as I saw Edward my hormones took over and I made myself shove the hatred I had been feeling for so long to the very far recesses of my mind. I just wanted to fuck him one last time.

EPOV

Another fucking day at the studio lot. The director was an asshole. The producer was a mind-sucking leech who couldn't let go of the reins for one bloody second. And the co-star of the movie, Lauren, was the biggest whore this side of the hemisphere.

She was always in my face every damn second she had free. I couldn't wait until this flick was over and done with. The damned papp's were all over us, making it seem like we were getting cozy all the time. I'd caught a few of the pictures that extras would leave lying around. I had a whole whack of free time between takes sometimes.

I really missed having Bella as my leading lady. We worked like a fine-oiled machine, knowing each other's nuances and thoughts, playing off each other to perfection and true to life. The directors always loved us. We apparently were easy on their nerves. We got the job done in the most efficient manner.

Bella and I had also gotten into a comfortable routine with living with each other. We had no need to constantly be wooing or cooing. It was bloody nice to be in a secure relationship in this fucking crazy business. I was so keenly aware of that fact. I knew how rare it was, given our ages. She was only twenty and I was twenty-three.

On my way home I usually picked up some take-out food for us, but I was so knackered that I skipped it. I'd hoped that something in the fridge wouldn't be crawling with nastiness that I could just quickly make a meal out of.

Bella was very attentive and listened to me ramble off about my shitty day. God, I loved her for that. Just having someone who understood exactly what I was saying helped probably more than any psychiatrist would have.

After eating, I eventually regained my second wind and suggested to Bella that we needed to attend to some important business – in the bedroom. Wink. I waited, nude, by the bed.

She took her sweet time. I think to make me suffer and long for her just a little bit more.

Finally she slowly entered the room. She began to undress as she took one agonizingly slow step after the other.

First she pulled her pink ruffled shirt over her head throwing it behind her, leaving just her pale pink demi-cup bra.

Then she began to unbutton her jeans and pull down the zipper, stepping out of them equally slow.

That left her standing a mere few feet from me with just her thong and bra I was instantly hard.

My breathing accelerated and I couldn't stay immobile one more second. I rushed at her, taking her into my arms and crushing my lips onto hers. She was warm and after searching under her thong and finding her wet as well, I yanked that sucker off and began to unclasp her bra simultaneously.

She responded by grabbing my hard-on with her tiny warm nubile fingers with a fair amount of force. It made me inwardly gasp.

Something about the way she was handling me that night was a wee bit off. I didn't know exactly how and I ceased to care as she began to stroke me purposefully.

Continuing to rub each other we neared fever pitch and before anything could happen to bring it to a premature end, we jumped onto the bed and assumed our positions to help us to reach our end release.

Bella's favourite style was achieved by forcing me to lie down with her riding on top of me.

She took over rubbing her clit while she slowly lowered herself onto my throbbing erection.

The feeling of her wet warmth was sublime so I closed my eyes and just let the experience wash over me. She began to lift herself up and lower herself building up speed excruciatingly slowly. I was panting for more.

"Please, Bella…faster…" I pleaded with her pussy.

"Ssshh…Edward…" she commanded, expecting me to instantly obey. I did.

Every time she would begin to slightly increase her pace, she would then suddenly nearly come to a full and complete halt. This left me in agonizing pain after nearly coming several times and she stopped me at the brink.

How the hell was she able to gauge that so expertly? She was effectively blue-balling me several times over. I groaned in protest at every infraction. She would just giggle inwardly.

Having been brought to the brink numerous times I hungrily grabbed her hips with both hands to keep her from executing her newest modus operandi once again.

I began thrusting into her relentlessly until I found my release.

It was then that I finally opened my eyes to find her staring at me with an expression I had not seen her use while love-making before. I was confused. I didn't know why she looked that way. It was completely impassive devoid of emotion.

"What's wrong, babe?" was my brilliant response to her indifferent gaze.

She just shook her head for a long time looking as if she were answering unspoken questions in her mind. She wouldn't utter a syllable. Eventually she just began to sob uncontrollably. She collapsed onto the bed facing away from me.

"Please talk to me, Bella," I continued to try to discover the reason for this outburst to no avail.

After she seemed to have quite recovered from her outburst she sat up and stood up to walk over to the bathroom. She didn't utter a word, nor did she look at me after that. I was confounded by her.

I waited for her to come out but she stayed in there so long.

I finally got up to knock on the door. No answer. I kept trying to reach her, to get some kind of response. I couldn't just let her stay in there alone choosing to slide down the door to sitting in front of it. I could hear faint whimpering on the other side of the wooden door.

"Babe, please…" I implored her to respond to my pleas.

I heard her clear her throat and finally reply in a feeble voice, "I'm ok…don't worry."

It wasn't much but at least she was communicating with me. I could finally breathe. I then heard rustling of her robe and the door slowly became ajar. She exited timidly past me as if she hadn't even seen me crouched by the door.

I slowly rose gaping after her. I instinctively knew that trying to talk at that moment was futile.

She turned toward me, smiled a hauntingly odd smile. She then turned around to walk out of the room.

The silence was eerie. I should have known that it was way too weird but I just couldn't process anything. I figured that it was some kind of woman thing and that I should keep the fuck away from her for a while. For as long as she wanted. Pressing these things was sometimes so the wrong thing to do.

I laid down on the bed and against my will fell asleep.

Slowly coming out of my bleary state, I found it difficult to open my eyes. They felt swollen and they stung – bad. My senses were incrementally becoming awake. My ears were filtering sounds of sirens and yelling off in the distance, muffled by walls. My nose was assaulted by unbearably nasty odors. Then my brain filtered through the list of possible causes.

It was smoke? Smoke!

What the hell!

I then tried to jump out of the bed and was met with a wall of thick, black smoke. I fell to the ground and began to crawl, feeling my way with my hands, not having the ability to see anything even if my eyes hadn't been useless.

As I crawled hopefully toward the front door the voices and sirens sounded closer.

I did eventually get to the front door, coughing manically by that time. I touched the door knob carefully having the presence of mind to check if it was hot. Well it actually didn't make a whole lot of sense as I couldn't feel anything that would be resembling fire close to the door and it probably wasn't coming from the outside.

As I opened the door I collapsed and passed out.

The next time I woke up I had bandages covering my eyes and there was silence. There was no odor of smoke either. The air smelled fresh although it hurt like hell to breathe. I began to cough hard.

The nurse came over to put the oxygen mask on my face and proceeded to recount my past 24 hours back to me, seeing as I'd been unconscious for it.

She said the firemen and police had deduced that Bella had set a fire in the living room and fled.

That was quite the bombshell. I was stunned and began to hyperventilate. The nurse knew exactly what to do to help and had me calmed down quickly, with the help of some sedatives.

My mind was reeling. Bella. Why? Bella? WHY!

Show me...as never before...the DRILL!

A special hug and thanks to my beta for this special chapter, Darci (MsRobPattzMasen), my BFF. Luvs ya hard, bb!


	17. This is Over

**Disclaimer: Of course I do not own Edward, sillies. You-know-who *rolls eyes* does…SM **

**A/N-the darkness ensues...cannot be helped. Perhaps it mirrors my own inner turmoil. Wow, into the darkness I fall. I cannot guarantee hea's, just be forewarned.**

**Good news: I now have a Beta! She is the one and only MsRobPattzMasen, my dear BFF. She beta'd my outtake chapter (posted last Friday) and has agreed to come on board for the ride…She also has a fic on FFnet ..check her out!**

"Tracy…Tracy…," he was calling, louder, and louder each time.

My eyes slowly opened. I could see, even though still a bit blurry. I think it was Edward. Where was I? Why was he looking so forlorn?

I didn't remember coming home. Home. The beach house. I think. No, this wasn't home. I couldn't turn my head. It felt like there were cushions surrounding it. I couldn't feel him touching me either.

Why? Now I was starting to get scared. The tears began streaming from my eyes.

He could tell what I was thinking, I read it in his face. He bent over to kiss my eyelids. I didn't want to close them for fear I'd lose my sight again. I followed his every movement with my eyes and he didn't take his eyes off of me either.

"Tracy, hon', can you hear me? Just blink once for yes, twice for no, ok?"

What? I can only blink? Yes, No? What's happened to me?

I blinked once.

My eyes started tearing again. I closed them. I didn't want him to see the fear in them.

"Tracy, open your eyes. I know you're scared. Let me help you. You were taken…"he stopped short, an anguished look on his face, but continued, "by somebody who hurt you very badly. He drugged you, took you to his house, and gave you a horrible beating."

I closed my eyes again, I didn't want to hear any more.

Was I going to get better?

?

The next day Edward came, I kept my eyes open and he sensed what I wanted, no desperately needed, to know.

"Are you ready to hear more?" I blinked once. "Ok, so you were horribly beaten. Your back was broken, and you've had surgery to try and fuse your vertebrae. You had a concussion and a skull fracture. Your head has been immobilized until the swelling goes completely down. Your arms were both broken at the elbows, they're in casts. There might be nerve damage, which is why you can't move your fingers. Your leg was broken at the femur. You have 3 broken ribs, and a punctured lung. You are on a ventilator, which is partly the reason you cannot talk. That will probably come out in a few days."

I started to cry again. I couldn't stop it. I closed my eyes because I didn't think I could take any more. This was way more than I could handle right now. He stopped to wait and see if I opened my eyes and wanted to hear more. I didn't open them. I could hear him walk out of the room. I continued with my waterworks. How was I still alive? I didn't want to be alive this way. I just wanted to go home.

There was just more of the same in the next few days. Not much improvement. Every day when Edward came, I'd just close my eyes. He'd stay for awhile and then silently leave. The nurse was the only welcome arrival because she eased my pain, which was now starting to make itself apparent. She'd ask if it was enough and I used the same method of communication as with Edward. She'd hum as she checked my vitals and jot something into a chart. She gave me a sponge bath once a day as well. That always felt somewhat refreshing. Oh, to be able to shower. It was now my obsession.

I was glad when she decided that I was ready to have the TV on. That would take my mind off some stuff. A welcome distraction. She could tell by my eyes that I was happy about that. Sometimes she would chat about the weather, or some world news. I was grateful for her.

Her name was Ruth. She was a Christian. She would sometimes sing choruses, which were familiar to me. It was a long time ago that I'd been to church last. It wasn't that I didn't believe any more, but that it had usually ended up in making me feel incredibly bad. I didn't want to have those feelings and so I'd stopped going. I could believe in my own way. As long as I didn't deny Jesus, right?

Later that day an older man, dressed in a white lab coat, came and I gathered that he was the doctor. He checked my chart and told me he was going to remove the breathing tube. He also didn't promise that I'd be able to talk, due to the length of time it had been in my throat and the state of my lungs. It did hurt when it was removed, but it was definitely an improvement. I took a deep breath and it killed. No sound came out, although, I'd tried to moan.

Edward came into the room before the doctor finished. He asked the doctor about my prognosis.

"Well, she is progressing. The breaks will still be awhile until they're healed, and we'll have to check, probably later this week to see if the bones are mending correctly. If not, we'll have to surgically re-set them. I want her to have a CT scan to check on the swelling in her brain. We'll keep the head immobile still."

"All right, doctor. I think she wants to hear from you about her long term prognosis as well. Like walking, talking, stuff like that." He looked at me and I blinked once.

The doctor looked at me and told me that he was hopeful that I would return to my normal self, just that it would take a pretty long time. Maybe months. The doctor left and Edward walked out of the room with him.

But he came back a minute later. He was smiling and he stroked my cheek, then leaned over to kiss my lips.

"You don't know how long I've wanted to do that, but that tube was in the way. And I could sense that you didn't want me to touch you, so I gave you space. Did what the doctor say help?"

I blinked once.

Hope. I hadn't had a shred of hope before today. I will eventually recover. That thought lifted my spirits tremendously.

Now I could start planning my exit from here, as soon as possible. I'll just have to work on my patience. Months will still be an incredibly long, long time to be stuck here. Surely I'll be able to leave this place earlier.

I did feel emotionally a little bit better and so didn't close my eyes every time Edward came to visit after that. I tried to whisper, when yes or no answers weren't enough.

He told me about his latest movie project and his co-stars. He also went into detail about all aspects of the shoot. It was an interesting life and he was handling the pressure of fame pretty well.

I felt badly that he also had to deal with my mess. I wish I could have told him to just leave me be and not bother with me. I'd understand. I really would. This wasn't something I could whisper and I'd have to just wait until I could voice my feelings effectively.

He brought in fresh flowers, pink roses, nearly every time he came and the room was like a fragrant greenhouse.

The next day was a surprise. My voice was starting to come back, albeit very crackly. Now I had to prepare myself for my next move. The talk with Edward.

It was really late at night when he finally did come that day, and I had fallen asleep watching TV. I wasn't in a deep sleep yet and I woke up to him putting more flowers on the bedside table.

He didn't notice me awake yet, and I saw such a strained look on his beautiful face. It wasn't fair to him. I had to release him. I cared for him that much.

"Edward," I croaked, "I need to talk to you about this whole thing."

"Wow, your voice is starting to come back! That's so incredible. I've missed talking with you so fucking much, you can't even imagine…" But he could see that there was something troubling me. He took my hand between the two of his and leaned on the bed. "What is it?"

This was going to be difficult.

"You can't even understand what it's been like to not be able to communicate with anyone for so long. I thought I'd go mental. I think I did for awhile," I attempted a smile to ease my tension.

"I don't want you to worry about me anymore. You have your own life to live and I'm sure it has been a huge burden on you. I'm so, so sorry for that. I wish I could have told you so much earlier. To let you go…"

The tears were starting again. I didn't seem to be able to stop them. No control. Oh no. I can't let him see me do this!

"Please leave," was all I managed to utter.

"I'm not going anywhere, Tracy. I want to be here for you. Please don't send me away. It's not a burden. You're not a burden."

He was starting to tear up, too. He started kissing my hands then moved on to my face, kissing every inch of it, ending up at my lips. The kisses were bittersweet, it seemed.

"I just wish I'd been there, so that you wouldn't have gone out…alone."

That was the last clear memory I had of that day.

**People…The DRILL! Right now!**


	18. Damn It!

Disclaimer: Shit! I don't own Twilight? WTF? Stephenie Meyer. She does? Aww…fuck!

Many thanks to my beta, MsRobPattzMasen, who has inadvertently gotten stuck with this arduous task. ILYSFM.

Also, check out my blog this week! I did a six-part interview with QuantumFizzx who wrote the insanely popular The Plan at twicrazi(dot)blogspot(dot)com AND READ IT!

XXoXX

I was taken the next day, by ambulance, to a facility where they took a CT scan. It was impossible to get me around any other way; what with my leg and arms casted, and both my neck and back in a brace. In short, I was pretty much a mess.

The technician couldn't believe what had happened to me and looked at me with the most compassionate face, being very careful with every manipulation she needed for the scans. It was painful. She did tell us that it looked to her like my swelling had reduced significantly. That was good news. I guess it explained why I was awake and talking.

The doctor then appeared, conferred with her and agreed. He also told me that I needed to stay in this facility for another week at least, to have my other issues looked at. He had arranged for all the necessary tests to be done, and I'd be taken to a private room to await transfer to the various departments.

As soon as they had wheeled me to my room, a delivery person arrived with a huge bouquet of pink roses. There was a card attached, but I couldn't get it, for obvious reasons. I waited until a nurse came in and asked her to open it for me. She did and held it up so I could read it in private.

_To my Love, Edward xoxox_

That was so sweet. How did he know I was going to be staying here? Had he also arranged for a TV for this room? That helped with the waiting around. I wondered if he was going to be by. I didn't even know how long I'd have to stay here. Maybe it depended on the results of these other tests.

After I had watched a few hour-long shows the attendant came and took me to my first appointment. It was to have my back x-rayed. Then I had to wait in another room for another x-ray of my arms and leg. At least those could be done all at once. The same attendant transferred me back to my room once that was finished.

Now all I could do was wait some more. I asked the attendant to turn my TV back on and switch the channel.

Somehow all of this waiting around had gotten me tired and I fell asleep while watching a show about teen pregnancies and their issues. When I woke up, there was something that smelled delicious on the bedside table.

And then Edward was there, and I wished that he wasn't with all my heart.

"Hey sleeping beauty. I thought you'd never wake up. I bet you're famished. Here let me prop your bed just a bit, so you can eat."

He was so gentle as he fixed my hair and stroked my cheek. The propping was a bit painful, but it helped to see around a lot better.

"You don't have to come to bring me food. I'm sure they have some here. I'm not really that hungry. My brain is still foggy and I can't process stuff…" I lost my train of thought there. It was hard to just find the right words in my brain. It was still too soon.

"I know you must have so many conflicting feelings, and I'll try to help you to work things through. I've been praying for you all the time. He's answered my prayers just by keeping you alive. That's ok if you don't want to eat, but I won't stop bringing it, just in case you do get hungry."

I could see his eyes begin to well up and that made mine do likewise. We sure were a pair! He stroked the tear that had escaped my eye.

He proceeded to try to feed me some of the delicious meal he'd picked up from a local restaurant, but I had a huge lump in my throat and couldn't take in more than a couple of mouthfuls.

This time he stayed with me for the whole night. They had brought a cot and put it beside me. Having him so near was such agony, knowing I couldn't allow him to sacrifice his life.

I didn't want to fall asleep, but they kept up the supply of pain killers in the I.V. drip into my arm. They made me sleepy. The last vision I had was of Edward, gazing into my eyes. Then he kissed me. How could I ever let him go? I floated into dreamland.

I think it was pretty early in the morning when I opened my eyes. The very first thing I saw was him, asleep on the bed next to mine. He looked so peaceful and so gorgeous. I suddenly had huge pangs of guilt, which twisted in my gut. He should be out there, hanging out with his friends, new girlfriends -anywhere but here.

But before I could continue along that train of thought, the nurse brought in some breakfast for us both. She asked me if I wanted to have her help me with eating, but Edward had woken up, interrupted, and said he'd do it.

I think the nurse was shocked that he would be willing to do that and it impressed her. Here was this major movie star and he was going to feed this invalid. How pathetic - him or me - I wasn't sure. He excused himself so he could freshen up and returned to tend to me.

The nurse came back and told us the doctor had scheduled a procedure for me in one hour. It was a re-fracture of my right leg. Crap! That meant the healing time would be extended. Double crap!

"Don't worry, Tracy, it'll be over before you know it. Besides you won't feel it 'cause you'll be put under…"

It was all starting to grate on my nerves. The constant prodding, poking, and all. How much was one person supposed to take? I didn't want to show any more frustration in front of Edward. He needed to think about other things, like his career.

"You might as well go work, or play, or something…since I'll be asleep anyways. I release you..." I thought if I tried to sound trite, then he wouldn't think it was such a big deal and would be able to leave. He didn't say anything. He stayed at least long enough for me to fall asleep under the anaesthetic. He kissed my lips as my eyes closed…

"Wake up, dear, wake up," someone was speaking to me.

They wanted me to open my eyes. Not yet. I wasn't quite finished. Eventually I gave in and painfully slowly opened my eyes. The nurse was standing by me, taking my blood pressure and temperature. Then she wrote in my chart again. I then noticed the contraption by my leg. It was holding my casted leg up in the air. Lovely.

Why the hell did this monster do this to me? Why did I deserve this type of punishment? Was it for being selfish? Ok, I've learned my lesson. No more selfishness for me. I've got to do the right thing and save Edward from myself.

"Hey there, how are you feeling? Stupid question, huh?" Edward was suddenly right on my other side, his face so close to mine that I could smell his minty breath. It blindsided me; made me dizzy. I was paralyzed by him. I closed my eyes so that I could not be swallowed up into his warm, green eyes.

"I want to go home, Edward. I miss my family." He looked at me and one side of his lips curled up in a half smile. He struggled with how to respond.

"I know you must. They miss you too. I've talked to them and am arranging for them to come here for an extended visit. Will that be good for now?"

That was a surprise. Also, very sweet of him to think of doing that for me. How was I ever going to make a clean break from him?

"Really? That's wonderful. When are they coming?" The urge to see them was overpowering my resolve.

I couldn't wait to see them, although all of this was going to be a shock to them. It was probably a shock for them to get a call from Edward Cullen, though, and I'll have to deal with my deception with them. Could hardly wait.

"I have them booked on a flight the day after tomorrow, arriving at 10:30 a.m.. I'll bring them here to visit you first and then I'll have them go to the beach house. Do you mind?" he asked apprehensively, insecurity creeping into his voice.

"No, that's fine. They'll like that." This really wasn't going to help me distance myself from him. What am I thinking?

"I'll go stay with a friend and they can have the beach house all to themselves, ok?"

"I don't know…I wouldn't want you to be out of your own home."

It was incredibly nice of him to offer, but I'd feel like I was using him, knowing what I was about to do - eventually. This felt as if I was getting in deeper and deeper and I had to stop the process as soon as possible.

"Don't be absurd, Tracy. I insist. That's the end of that discussion. Period."

He quickly changed the subject to world events and the progress of his shoot. He told me about the new sports car they had loaned him and couldn't wait to show it to me. Apparently it was pretty showy and fast. His co-star, Rose, had also received one and she had already gotten a speeding ticket for going 25 mph over the limit on the highway on her very first venture in it. He thought she was pretty reckless.

His co-star sounded like a live wire. Hmmm. This could be good for him. How could I encourage him to spend time with her? How could I handle doing that? But I had to. Maybe when my mom and daughter came, it would give him the break he needed. I needed to think about this.

"When do you have to go to work? Aren't you missing a lot? I don't want you to miss anything, just because of me. Seriously, it would make me really, really upset."

"Don't worry about that, it's all been worked out. They're shooting scenes that I'm not in when I'm not there. They're really very understanding about our situation. I'll go back when your family comes, so that you can have some private time with them. Now, is there anything you want me to get for you, or do for you right now?"

"No, thanks. I'm really tired, maybe I'll have a sleep," I couldn't stand to look at him anymore. My insides were tearing apart. Closing my eyes was the only recourse.

He brought his cheek up beside mine and whispered, "I love you. Sweet dreams."

The tears began oozing out of my eyes. He wiped them gently.

I didn't fall asleep and was able to finally open my eyes when I heard him leave the room. Panic started to spread through my body. I could feel my heart thud louder in my ears. I needed help in doing this. I'm sure my daughter would agree. I'd make her see the sense in it. I could hardly wait until she came.

Edward returned with more flowers. Freesia, and lots of them. He also had food from the market. Fruit, veggies, and dip. Also, cheese and crackers. I didn't want him to feed me, but what else was I going to do? My arms were in casts and I couldn't bend them, let alone move my fingers.

It was scary, not having feeling in my hands. It might mean that I have nerve damage, and then I didn't know if they could fix it. What would I do without my hands? I couldn't imagine and that sent the panic to rise up again. He noticed the look of fear in my face and suddenly stopped feeding me.

"What's wrong? Are you in pain?" He was ready to spring into action, to call a nurse.

"No new pain. I just started thinking about my hands. I still don't feel anything. I'm worried that I will lose the use of them. What will I do then?" I could scarcely get the last sentence out, getting stuck in my throat. The tears began once again. I didn't want to do this with him here. I tried to stop, but couldn't.

He was comforting me by stroking my hair and face. How could I put him through this? This was selfish.

"Could you please leave…I need to be alone right now?"

"I don't want to leave you like this. Please let me stay. I'll do anything I can to help…" I could see this was taking its toll on him. He looked like he was struggling to keep himself together. He didn't know what to do. So unfair…to him.

"Edward, I wanted to wait…I don't know why…but I have to do this now…I want you to NOT come back."

I looked him square in the face, and it looked like I'd slapped him hard. I wanted to take it back and grab him and never let him go.

Thankfully being all immobilized helped my determination.

I closed my eyes and continued, "You've been amazing, taking care of me, but I'm not interested in continuing this relationship. I'm sorry if I've led you on. I had fun, until this whole mess. As soon as I'm able, I'll be going back to my home in Toronto. You don't have to do anything else."

I couldn't believe I got it all out. I couldn't look at him, though.

He put his hands gently on either side of my face, and waited until I opened my eyes. I just couldn't do it and the tears started up again. Damn it!

XXoXX

*whispers* The Drill!


	19. I Know, Mom

**Disclaimer: *huge sigh* Yes, yes…I know that Ms. S. Meyer owns Twilight, I do NOT! I'm just putting her Edward through the wringer.**

**A/N: Okay, I know this is hovering in the shadows a long time, but it's just the story that came out of my head. Please don't give up on it...thank you for reading, you rock my world-TRULY.**

**o.O.o.O.o**

"Open your eyes. I don't think you're in any shape to be making rash decisions. I'll give you space, though, if you want. We aren't over. I won't let you make that mistake."

I still couldn't open my eyes, but the tears kept on falling, and traveled down into my ears. His lips were on my quivering mouth and I tried not to respond. It was a herculean task. My lips needed his so badly and had a mind of their own - a reflex. I tightened them together to stop the reciprocal action.

"You are stubborn, aren't you? I felt that, whether you wanted me to or not. You've been through trauma, Tracy, and you need to process all this. I understand that. I'll arrange for a grief counselor or someone to come and talk this through with you, ok?"

"Ok." That was I had left inside of me to say. I didn't want to argue. I was a prisoner here. There was no physical way out. My words obviously weren't convincing enough. My body was a traitor.

I spent the rest of that day not speaking. I didn't want to eat either and rejected anything he offered.

Why couldn't he just leave? It was so much harder with him here.

He didn't stay all night, and left after supper time, kissing me before leaving. Another knife in my gut. I cried all night until I succumbed to the medication. I needed to hang on until tomorrow, when they were arriving.

My sleep was not undisturbed this night. I woke up several times, crying, or maybe I hadn't stopped. It took a long time to fall asleep again after each time. I couldn't trust my emotions. Maybe this was due to the trauma, after all.

The nurse woke me to take my vitals at 8 a.m.. She chattered on and on about nothing really. I tried to be polite and smiled weakly every time she looked my way for a response. She gave me a sponge bath and washed my hair as well as she could, with my head in a neck brace. I whispered my thanks her. Then she finally left me alone.

I was anxious to see my mother and daughter. I didn't know what their reaction to me was going to be. I tried to brace myself for their shock. I hadn't looked in a mirror, but I couldn't be a pleasant sight.

Edward didn't come before they did. I heard scuffling outside in the hall and then my door opened slowly. It was my mom, my daughter right behind her. They were trying to be not shocked, but I could tell it was there.

"Oh my, Tracy, I'm so sorry this happened to you…" My mom reached out to touch my head. She had a tear in her eye.

I didn't want anyone to feel like this. It made me so upset. And hopeless.

My daughter, Amy, couldn't speak. She just looked so sad. The tears were welling up in her eyes too.

It was all too much and I began sobbing. It felt like it was a build-up of so much, like a dam bursting. I didn't know if I'd be able to stop.

When we all finally settled down, their conversation became more trivial in order to avoid another breakdown. They caught me up on life at home. I'd been gone 2 weeks. It felt like years, actually.

Eventually I was able to tell them what they really wanted to know. Why was I in California with Edward Cullen? They looked incredulous. Edward Cullen!

My mom didn't really know of him, other than she thought she'd seen him on Regis and Kelly.

Amy knew who he was and how huge he was. She couldn't keep from laughing and I could tell she wanted to ask me a million questions in private. I gave her a knowing look and mouthed "later" toward her. She nodded and returned with, "can't wait".

They told me that Edward's driver, Jasper, had picked them up at the airport and brought them here. He was waiting outside, to take them to the beach house. I told them how nice it was and that they'd enjoy their time there.

My mom thought Edward sounded very polite and nice, when she'd talked to him on the phone. Was she going to meet him? I said I wasn't sure because he was working on a film and he had missed so much time already. I paused, feeling the guilt for that.

My daughter's cell phone rang and she turned away to talk. When she turned back, she looked surprised.

"It was Edward…he's bringing a late lunch for all of us. He'll be here in 15 minutes. Mom, maybe you should fill both of us on what's happening with you and him, so that we'll know what not to say," Amy said convincingly and waited for my explanation.

She was looking at all the flowers in the room, weighing the implications of them.

"Well, it is a long story. I met him in Toronto, where we had a few dates, nothing serious. He invited me to come for a weekend and we were having fun, until this happened. I think he should go his own way, you know, go back to work and not have to think about all of this stuff with me anymore. I don't know how this all happened."

My mom looked critical, shaking her head.

"I know, Mom, I was incredibly dumb to have gone out with him in the first place, let alone come here."

I felt ashamed and wished I could turn away from their gazes. But I couldn't. I had to face them, face the consequences of my hormonal actions. I guess that's what it boiled down to.

My mom excused herself to go to the restroom, feigning having to freshen up after the long trip. That gave Amy the break she needed.

"So…mom…you and a younger… hot… superstar! I'm in awe of you. You are my hero!" I was stunned by her reaction.

"Amy…don't…it's not like that. I'm devastated. I think I'm in love with him. And I have to make him leave me. This whole mess I'm in. I think he feels responsible somehow…but he really doesn't need this…me…in his life. He's young and should be having the time of his life with younger friends,

girlfriends…"

I started sobbing silently. She put her hand on my cheek, took a tissue and blotted my tears away.

"Mom, why? I think it's obvious you both want each other. Be happy. You deserve it, after all you've been through." She was consoling me, as usual.

No, no, that's not what I wanted her to do. I needed her to help me to make him leave me, not talk me into staying. I had to convince her of the right thing to do here. She was the only one who could help me. I was helpless without her.

"I need you to help me to make a clean break, Amy. Please think about this rationally. I'm not good for him. I'm stuck here physically and you have to help me figure out how to do this." I pleaded with her.

My mom came back just as Edward arrived with the food. And more flowers. He put it all down and reached to shake hands with my mom and Amy. He apologized for not being here when they had first arrived. He wanted to give us a bit of time to catch up. He reached over to my hair, stroked it, and bent down to kiss me.

Amy noticed the look of desperation in my eyes. She looked sadly at us.

Edward was really good at small talk and had my mom engaged in short order. The visit was nice, even though I felt the knife twisting even more in my gut. I grudgingly ate what he brought up to my mouth.

I could see Amy and my mom take in the whole scene. What were they thinking?

"I think Tracy should probably have a rest now. I told Jasper to go on an errand, so I'll drive you guys to the beach house. You must be tired from your trip as well," he pleasantly suggested to them.

They agreed. He was winning them over. Stop it! I needed them to disapprove, so I could execute my plan.

As they were leaving, they both gave me a kiss on the cheek, and as Amy did, I whispered," I need to talk to you alone later." She nodded and left.

Edward was extremely pleased with himself, managing to bring my family to see me. I was grateful, no doubt about that. I also felt a myriad of emotions, which were overwhelming me at that moment. Fear, anxiety, frustration, hopelessness, love…

"Thank you for this. I owe you a lot."

My emotions were just brimming on the edge, about to burst forth. He took my face in his hands and looked deeply into my eyes. Then he kissed me, not so gently this time, but with determination.

I really didn't want to lead him on any longer. I didn't want to hurt him. How was I not going to do that now? I was helpless to have stopped it from happening. I had to try and stop it as soon as possible.

"You don't owe me anything. I owe you…" he said, still holding onto my face, as much as I tried to look away, I couldn't.

"You have it all wrong. I've taken your life away from you and replaced it with a nightmare."

I fervently attempted to not begin crying again. A couple of tears escaped. I closed my eyes. He kissed the tears off.

"No, you haven't. You've shown me what I really want out of life. A real, meaningful life. I don't take the little things for granted anymore."

He stroked my hair and then my face, trying to coax my eyes to open. And when I did, he kissed me again, keeping his eyes locked onto mine.

He left then to take my mom and Amy to the beach house. He wanted to show them where everything was. He didn't say if he was coming back, but I thought he'd be going to his friend's place. I knew he was working the following day and perhaps the next day as well.

That was when my mind had to be quick with the ability to figure out how to leave him. I spent the remainder of the day trying to plan my departure.

I fell asleep between crying and pain wrenching my nerves.

I awoke the next morning, to Amy patting my hair. She was alone now. This was my chance to convince her of my plans.

"Hey sweetie, how's the beach house?"

"It's great, mom. But it makes me think about what happened to you, so close to it. It's a bit scary."

"Well, try not to because the crazy person has been caught. Try and enjoy it. Now I want to talk to you about me leaving this place, and coming home. You have to help me. I'm sort of a prisoner here, not being mobile. I'm not sure when I'll be able to travel, but as soon as I find out, I'm going to leave."

"Mom, why do you want to leave this beautiful place? I know it hasn't been pleasant so far, but it will get better. Edward will do everything in his power to make that happen. And he seems to have the resources to do anything."

"Don't you understand? I don't care about his resources. I'm not what he needs. I'm drowning him with all of this. Surely you know what his life should be like. Think about how trapped you'd feel. He's just been raised to be a gentleman and that's what's keeping him tied to me. He doesn't want to add to my horrible situation. He has to be regretting meeting me that one random day at Starbucks."

"Starbucks! You're kidding me. That's so funny. But I think that he loves you, mom - I can tell. I don't believe he feels that he's missing out on anything better. What about what you need? I think you deserve happiness."

This was frustrating. Why couldn't she see that I needed to do this for him? Who else would help me?

OOoOOoOOo

X

xx

**Drill, do it****...and remember that I luv u all :)**

Rec time: The Weight of Words by Georgeygirl – It's been completed for awhile, but I just started reading and I love it!

Also…check my blog for a new Author Interview posting – BellaFlan, author of Becoming Bella Swan – a crazy bad-ass fic! (twicrazi(dot)blogspot(dot)com)


	20. EPOVYay?

**A/N: this one's a short one, but wanted to squeeze an EPOV in here...so it's possible I might post another chappie sooner than later...**

**Disclaimer: Edward. Not mine. Steph's.**

**EPOV**

!

She's going to be all right! I want to shout and scream and...be with her. I've never felt this before.

There's just something so irresistible in her eyes. They're like the most perfect sky on a cloudless, sunny day. I could gaze into them incessantly.

I feel an irresistible pull to her. I can't explain it. It's magnetic. It's like my inner being is being sucked into her vortex.

I believe that she feels that way, too, but won't admit it. She was starting to come out of her shell, when...

Shit!

My hands flew through my hair again. Fuck! Why the hell can't I stop doing this? It's like some weird out of body thing that I do, unaware. It brought too much attention to myself. I hated that.

Why did this have to happen to her? I wish I could take the bastard who did this to her and take his sorry fucking ass off this planet. Just imagining the pain I would inflict on that miserable excuse of a human being, sent my blood pressure sky-rocketing.

How could such a fucking low life be allowed to exist?

Every day I went to visit Tracy. She couldn't even look at me. She must hate me with a passion. How would I ever make it up to her? I swear I would try, as long as she'd let me.

She had tried to break us off, but I wouldn't let her. I couldn't do that. As long as I had her undivided attention, I would make her listen to reason, in spite of herself.

I will be _relentless_.

I _will_ win her back.

I believe that we belong together. Even if she doesn't believe it. I could just tell by the waves of emotion flowing between us, like electrical currents.

Yesterday she told me that she missed her family - that got me thinking.

I managed to get in contact with her daughter, in Toronto, with a little help from Jasper. Man, was she speechless when I told her who was calling her. It took three hang-ups, before she had begun to believe me. She naturally assumed it was a prank caller - or one of her friends playing a joke on her.

It wasn't until I told her exactly what her mother had told me about her on the last day before leaving with me, that she finally succumbed. She was embarrassed at her behaviour, but I told her I understood, and told her to forget it.

The hardest part was having to recount what her mother had been through. I was racked with guilt as I explained the extent of her injuries.

What will they think of me? How much will they hate me?

Shit.

I wished I could have turned back the clock with everything in me.

She was devastated to hear what her mother had been through. She cried.

Double shit.

I wanted to crawl into a hole and not hear that. I didn't know what to say to help her. I was trying to hold back emotion then, too. The lump in my throat choking any sound I tried to make.

Why the fuck did I always have to be so selfish? I hadn't been able to protect this woman, who was loved so dearly - by people I didn't even know.

How could I face them? I told her that I wanted to have her mother and her flown here to be with Tracy. I'd do just about anything to make it better.

Fuck. I would do anything.

Amy said she'd contact her grandmother and make sure that they both were able to fly out to Vancouver by the end of the week. I gave her my cell number and she said she'd call me soon to confirm.

That was probably the toughest thing I'd ever had to do. It was done. Somehow I did feel better, being a catalyst to her emotional healing.

Now I'd have to try to make Tracy believe that I loved her. I couldn't shake the thought that she blamed me for not being there that morning. That one fucking morning that I had the bright idea of surprising her with fucking breakfast.

Shit.

If that idiot policeman hadn't pulled me over I'd have been able to answer her call, and she wouldn't have gone outside at all.

What a fucking idiot I am.

Does she really want me to leave? I don't think I could, physically. The craving my body has for her is too impossible to fight. How did I get it so bad? I can't even control myself anymore.

It brings back damned painful memories of when I used to do coke. I'd only meant to have tried it once at a party, at the coaxing of a blind date. She'd promised it would just be one time.

I was pretty drunk at the time and obviously wasn't in any sane state of mind. What would one hit do? Just one...

About 5 weeks later, I woke up on the floor of the men's room of a local pub. It was closing time and the bartender was doing his dutiful check of all restaurant facilities and general lock-up routines. He splashed some cold water onto my face, which scared the hell out of me.

"What the fuck?" I slurred the words out of my mouth, feeling like it was filled with cotton balls. My tongue was thick with sludge. Crap! I was lucky I hadn't choked on my own vomit.

That was it! My wake-up call. I called my sister, Alice, even though it was way past two o'clock in the morning.

"What in hell...why are you calling me, Edward?" She was understandably pissed. It sounded like she wasn't in a deep sleep, so I could only gather she'd been otherwise engaged.

"Sorry, Ali...I...I'm fucked up...can you come and get me?"

It was the most embarrassing phone call I'd ever made. I felt as low as a shitty snail in a bathroom stall's cold, dank, dirty, pissy, tiled floor. That was a pretty accurate assessment of my situation.

She reluctantly agreed. I could hear a male voice in the background as she was reaching for the 'end' button on her cell.

I'd have to find a way to make that up to her, too.

She took me home that night and stayed with me until I was safely asleep in my own bed, having showered first.

The next morning we traveled to a de-tox facility just outside of London. It was humiliating. Even worse than the night before had been. I voluntarily checked myself in for 2 weeks, with the option of extending my 'visit' if the need warranted it.

It was torturous. Every day felt like a week. I wanted to scream, and sometimes I did. But after the first week, the overwhelming desire to hurl myself into a wall waned. The slightest improvement felt like a monumental relief, and I successfully passed through the stages of a recovering addict.

That was two years ago, and I hadn't touched that shit at all since. Totally cleaned up, I was.

The way I felt about Tracy; maybe it was my addictive personality. I couldn't explain my fragile emotional state any other way. Was this even healthy?

Perhaps she had the right idea, after all.

No! I was not going to let her get away.

I could give her space and time to herself to think. Yeah, when her mom and daughter came, I'd let them have time together. She would come around and everything would be good again.

I was counting on it...

~o~o~

**You know it…The Drill! Now, please.**


	21. I Doth Protest Too Much

**A/N: I sort of promised an early update, consider this a bonus, if you will.**

**Time for a bit of change of pace, kiddies...a few of you are wondering the ages of Tracy and her daughter, Amy. I've hesitated revealing them for fear of you rejecting it as utter nonsense. In truth, I haven't set an actual age, when I really began to think about it. This story is my fantasy, so perhaps it is my own age deep in my sub-conscious. What is my age? I would have to kill you, if I revealed it...**

**Let's just say, old enough...**

**...and yeah, SM owns the world of Twilight.**

**.O.O.O.**

"It doesn't matter, Amy. Now what I need you to do is when you get home, give notice to the landlord, hire movers to pack all my belongings, and put everything into storage. Except for the clothes. I'll talk to your grandmother and arrange to live with her for a while. And please don't try to talk me out of this. Promise me you'll do it," I begged her.

She agreed, but not without voicing more opinions about how wrong she thought I had it.

When my mom came, we spent the remainder of the visit watching TV, eating a take-out meal and chatting about everything - but him. My mom wanted to go on a sightseeing trip the following day. Amy didn't really want to, but agreed so that she didn't have to go all alone.

Edward didn't return that night. The flowers kept arriving and the nurse would take the card out and let me read it every time.

"I love you with all my heart, E."

My insides ached so badly now that it felt like a blender had chopped them to tiny pieces.

My mom and Amy stayed for 5 days, enjoying their time. They went to every tourist destination with a car that Edward had arranged for them.

I'm surprised they managed to squeeze visiting me into their schedule. But I was glad - somebody should be having fun around here.

After they went home, I continued to watch inane TV shows and sleeping.

All the bones were now healing correctly so there was no need for any more readjusting procedures. My brain swelling had healed, so that they took the brace off my neck. It felt so good to move my head around, although no quick movements yet were possible.

Edward had not come to see me for the duration of my mom's visit. That was good. Maybe he'd thought about the whole thing and realized his colossal mistake.

I couldn't wait to talk to the doctor to ask when I'd be able to travel home. Surely now that my brain was seriously on the mend, I'd be able to somehow manage being wheeled onto an airplane.

I had to do this fast as possible as soon as I got the all clear. I arranged for Amy to buy an airplane ticket. She was still objecting to the plan, but was resigned to helping her mother.

Then the best news came, three days later, when the doctor said that the casts on my arms were ready to be taken off. I still had to get around in a wheelchair, though, due to the weakess in my arms, and not being able to support myself in crutches.

There was some sensation in my fingers now, although moving the arms was not happening yet as much as I'd have like them to. He said there wasn't a sure way to be able to tell if and when full movement would return. I'd just have to wait.

Well, at least I looked a little less hideous, from the waist up.

He said I was ok to travel, anytime. Anytime? That time had to be right now. I had not heard from Edward, but assumed he was engrossed in his work. A part of me wondered why I hadn't heard anything, but I couldn't dwell on that. My mind was set on executing my departure.

I asked for a volunteer to make a phone call to my daughter.

"Time is now!" is all I had to say to Amy and she'd take it from there. She'd text me with flight details.

Then I arranged for a transport van to take me to the airport as soon as she sent me the reply text.

I was still in the clear.

Edward hadn't come back yet, but with each passing second I began to panic a fraction more.

I had begged the doctor and staff to not tell him that I was leaving, until after my plane had taken off.

What I hadn't thought of was how I was going to get from the front doors to the gate and beyond.

How stupid was I?

The only thing I could think of to try was to call the airline and see if they could have an escort to meet me at the departure entrance doors. They said they could do that, no problem.

I was nervously awaiting the taxi by the front doors. It finally arrived. Great.

Going by myself was a challenge, though.

At the gate, they were concerned that I wasn't physically fit to travel, but I had a doctor's letter, proving it was all right.

xxxx

The flight was uneventful. The usual drinks, meal to purchase, movie. I couldn't wait to finally land at Toronto Pearson International Airport.

My thoughts flew back to my previous flight with Edward, of course, and it was gut-wrenching. I ached for him, which added to the physical aching. It was a rough ride. I kept the pain medication to a mininum so I wouldn't be totally out of it during the whole flight. I wanted to be in control, now that I finally had a modicum of it.

My daughter, Amy, was there to greet me. She drove me to my mom's, who had the spare room ready for me. It was good that she was in a condo now, instead of the house - no stairs.

"Thanks, mom, for letting me stay with you. I hope I won't be any trouble."

"Don't worry dear, I won't mind looking after you at all. How else do you think you're going to get around and do stuff, like eat?"

My mom was such a mom. I still felt awkward staying with her. I knew it would upset her routine.

And I knew she would voice her opinion on my decisions soon enough. That's just what moms are supposed to do, aren't they?

Amy said she would come often to help as much as she could. At least that would give my mom a break from caretaking and nagging.

I was exhausted from my challenging journey, so I excused myself to my room. I had to ask for some water with a straw to have by the bed and help in going to the bathroom. It was embarrassing, but she'd worked with seniors in the past and knew the routine. She wasn't fazed by any of it.

The days ran into weeks and weeks into months. No contact with him. Good...for him. Well, that was essentially due to the fact that I had turned off my cell phone - for good. I didn't even want to know if he had tried to make contact, whether by text or call. I hid it in my luggage which was being stored in a locker at a remote location. I simply could not even get it if I wanted to, and I didn't. Or so I told myself.

I thought I had gotten really very good at halting my thoughts whenever they would stray toward any of him. I could physically feel my heart fracture a little bit more with each infraction. The pain was not something I wanted to experience and my mind had tried to develop a defense mechanism to save itself.

It was all I could do to not spend my spare time - which I had an abundance of - searching the Internet for postings, pictures, videos…anything that Edward Cullen was mentioned in.

I was obsessed. So much for my defense mechanism. I just couldn't help myself. I was hopeless.

But I knew it had to be my secret to keep.

I couldn't let anyone, not even my mom, know that I was still emotionally tied to him. I'm not sure if I succeeded in fooling anybody, though. I couldn't quite muster up enough enthusiasm for anything.

After a while my mom and Amy stopped trying to coax me out of my funk. I was so relieved to be finally left alone to wallow in my misery. I sequestered myself in my little room and spent an inordinate amount of time letting the tears soak my pillow at night.

I didn't know how I was going to continue living without him. I had to settle for my dreams. He was all I could think about.

Maybe that would change with time, but so far the feelings I had were just as intense as when I had been physically with him.

At times it felt like it had all been a dream, a fantasy.

Maybe I could convince my brain of that and then I could somehow manage to distract myself from thinking…of him. Thinking about his hands caressing every part of me. His fingers trailing rivers of fire along my naked skin. His lips...oh, his lips...

I was sure that he'd forgotten about me by this time and started living the life he should have in the first place, if we hadn't met.

Through some entertainment news reports, I'd read about him being linked to his co-star in the new film that was being released the next week. That was who I remembered thinking would probably be good for him. The speed demon.

I was happy for him. Truly.

xxxxxx

I was able to walk slowly now and I was looking forward to a night out with my sisters. They had been begging me to go out for the last few weeks, and I finally relented. They were picking me up in the afternoon so that we could make the early show in downtown Toronto.

I actually started to feel like I wanted to go, the closer the time came to leave. We were having an enjoyable ride with good conversation and arrived at the Eaton Center theater in plenty of time for the start of the film. We got the good seats on the floor level, which helped me, not having to negotiate stairs.

I hadn't really paid attention to what movie we were seeing and realized a bit late that it was Edward Cullen's newest movie. Crap.

I didn't know what to do.

My sisters did not know all the details of my misadventure in Vancouver. Didn't think I would ever fill them in on that particular part of my love life. They'd probably laugh out loud.

It was pure torture, but I somehow made it through the movie. I needed to close my eyes whenever a full screen shot of his face was on. It was way too painful. My heart yearned for him as much as it ever had. No change in those feelings yet.

After the movie we decided that we were too full of popcorn to go to dinner and decided to go get coffee and tea at the nearest café.

It was a Starbucks in the same shopping complex. It was the closest one to the theater and I could manage the short walk.

As we entered, I grabbed one of the comfy chairs near the entrance and held the other 2 for my sisters.

They ordered for me, thank goodness. You know what an ordeal that always was. I leaned my head back in the chair and briefly closed my eyes to relax. I felt one of my sisters come sit by my side and touch my knee.

"Oh, this is so relaxing. Don't you love that music they're playing?"

I was so tired I hadn't even opened my eyes. I was annoyed that my legs were aching from such a short walk. This felt so nice to sit down. And then I felt a hand on top of mine.

Why?

As I finally opened my eyes and looked to the other chair I couldn't understand what I was seeing.

Someone familiar. It just didn't register.

Someone?

Edward.

~o~o~O~o~o~

**Okay, the Drill, bb's...**


	22. The Phone Call

_**Please forgive me, but I've goofed up on posting the order of these chap's-my life has been a circus these past few weeks and it seems that my brain has been scrambled. This EPOV belongs in the middle of the previous chapter probably...so what I've done is switched things about a tad…the last chap has an earlier ending (sorry, for those who've already read it – M'I bad?) and re-posted the ending here…have fun, if you dare…**_

_**ALSO…a very special Thank You to my new beta, AquariumJenn, who has so kindly agreed to take this fic on. You are the best! Do go and check out her hubby, MorganLocklear's fic Bella Voce and Brutte Parole…they're absolutely fantastical. He's my Bestie on Twitter **_

_**All the best to MsRobPattzMasen, who beta'd chapters 16 & 17…I do love her dearly.**_

_**Stephanie Meyer is one gifted lady and owns Edward...can't she share?**_

**EPOV**

I opened my eyes and had trouble focusing. 5 a.m. Shit.

I only had thirty minutes to get to the studio. I hate the godawful early wake-ups.

A shower was definitely the only way to wake myself up from the stupor. A cool one. I woke up wanting her – bad. We had only been together twice, but it wasn't something I'd ever forget. Every touch we shared was like the most perfect thing. Satisfying, burning, intense...fuck.

I had to stop thinking about her for awhile, or I wouldn't be able to function with the right brain.

Jasper was right on time and drove me to the lot. I fell asleep on the way and was jolted awake as we passed through the spd bumps upon entering. Ruined the best dream ever with Tracy. I couldn't wait until she was healed and everything was back to normal.

They whisked me off to make-up and Rosie was there, looking like hell. Presumably from another all-night binge. She was fucking stupid. Why anyone would want to go to work hung over I'd never understand. It made for a truly miserable experience for everyone involved.

"Rosie, get your shit together and be on set in 10..." the director shouted from his perch beside the cameras. I noticed both a still camera and a portable one set up. They would follow the actors and give a fluid sensation to the shots.

It didn't take long for me to be prepped, but I still had to wait for her. We were in the scene together. She was seriously annoying the shit out of me. I would just have to tolerate her for the week and then her part would be finished in this movie. Hopefully, there would be no more days like this one and the shoot would be finished on schedule.

It was torture to be away from Tracy but at least she could have some quality time with her family. She really needed that. I wanted her to have that.

I was thrilled to have made a good impression on her mother and daughter. They still seemed a bit stunned by our - 'thing'. What was it? Our thing. It was intense. It was amazing. It was...so right.

I slept on the pull-out couch in a spare bedroom at Aro's during their visit, which was comfortable enough. I did have trouble sleeping though, wondering how Tracy was, and my dreams reflected the angst I felt being away from her.

By the second night, I was so exhausted from lack of sleep and long days filming, that I collapsed onto the couch before I had a chance to actually pull it out. I didn't even take my clothes off.

It was a hideously gross feeling waking up the next morning. I took an extra-long shower, just to cleanse the feeling of not properly getting set for bed the night before.

It was a herculean task to resist going to see Tracy. I wanted to give her time. I still kept sending her dozens of pink roses every day. I didn't want her to forget that I was waiting for her.

I busied my spare time with arranging for a car for her mom and making sure they were comfortable with everything at the house. I also kept in contact with the hospital regarding Tracy's condition and made sure she had everything she could possibly want to make her stay bearable.

The want for her kept gnawing at my insides, a constant aching, until I thought I couldn't survive another minute without seeing her. I was addicted. I was sure of it. The forced withdrawal was, to me, as painful as my drug withdrawal had been. Okay, not the sweating and the shakes, but the inner turmoil felt familiar. I warred within myself to not go and surprise her, thinking that she was stressed out. The time with her family was needed to bring her thinking into proper focus. I could only imagine how sweet our reunion would be when we were alone at last**.** These thoughts probably occupied ninety-nine percent of my free time. Yeah, I was whipped. Fuck, it felt so good.

++O++

It was now Day 5 of my abstinence from her. Fuck. I had a constant hard-on because I couldn't stop thinking about her.

My shooting schedule had gone nuts. Everything was messed up. I couldn't concentrate on the script longer than five minutes at a stretch.

Fuck.

It meant that I wouldn't be able to see Tracy for a few more days.

Tried calling her, but there was no answer on her phone. Where could she be? Probably having some tests done or something like it.

++O++

Lost my cell phone somewhere between my trailer and the location shoot. Damn. I wanted to call her. It had been so nuts, hadn't had any time to myself at all.

++O++

Finally finished at a decent hour. Headed home for a quick shower and then was going to see her, at last. I was so excited that I almost forgot to pick up flowers along the way. I just wanted to get there as fast as possible. I hoped she would forgive me for not calling.

As I arrived at the nurse's station near her room, I thought I noticed funny expressions on some of their faces but dismissed it as confusion because I had not been there for so long. I practically sprinted down the hallway to her room.

What?

The room was empty. No flowers. No clothes. No nothing. No Tracy.

It took my mind only a minute to recall conversations we'd had prior and came to the conclusion that she had left.

She had left… me.

The impact of that realization was swift on my brain and my body. I sagged onto the bed, previously occupied by her. My eyes burned with tears, which felt like acid, and streamed down my cheeks, leaving invisible scars in their wake. The intensity of grief spread throughout my limbs and finally envelopedmy heart. It was now too fractured to beat another lub or dub.

Why did she leave? Although I knew the answer deep in my mind, I couldn't process the truth. I never thought she'd follow through with her reservations.

I thought she loved me.

Had I been that much of a fool? I had not really been listening to her words. I had not really wanted to believe them. I was a fucking idiot.

She didn't want me.

++O++

I did try to call her cell. It went straight to voice mail every fucking time. Damn it. If that was the way she wanted it, so be it.

Fuck her.

++O++

I began to pour myself into any kind of work that came my way. I had to escape the myriad of thoughts in my brain. It was a depression, only backwards. I occupied any spare moments with endless drinking at bars, sometimes alone and sometimeswith co-workers.

Sometimes I even forgot why I was doing what I was doing. That was when I was happy for a nano second.

There was always the papparazzi around clicking their damned cameras, hoping to catch me with any female, automatically linking me romantically with them. They didn't care what kind of shit they published. I didn't read any of it, nor did I watch any T.V., so I didn't know what was actually put out there for the mindless public to take in.

I didn't give a fuck.

I was too drunk most of the time anyway. If it wasn't for Jasper, I'd probably end up in some different stupid skank's bed every night. He saved me from myself. I didn't care about any of it.

Alice called me on one such mindless evening.

"Edward, what the fuck are you doing?" She always knew how to get the low down with me.

"Ali...I...I...don't the fuck know...anything..." I started bawling to her. I couldn't hold it back one more second. Talking with Alice always brought me to face thecore of my being and I wasn't able to escape it. She had a way of knowing what I was thinking and I knew I couldn't hide a thing from her.

"Pull yourself together. Now. I'll be there if you need me... No, on second thought, I will definitely be there. Tomorrow." She told me she'd call back with details of her arrival.

She ordered me to sober up and meet her at the airport. I couldn't and didn't want to disagree with her. I knew I'd be grateful for her support. She always had been there for me.

Alice's visit came like a whirlwind. She got me straight and on my feet in just a few days. She really should have been a psychologist or the like. She knew just what to say and at the right time.

She tried to make me realize that my life was not over just because of this one woman. _Not one woman – the only woman my heart ached for._

She told me that I was a worthwhile person on my own accord. _I didn't want to be worth anything without her._

She told me I was a lovable person. _But I didn't want to be loved by anyone else._

She saw me sober up and pull my shit together before leaving. She was happy with her accomplishment. I didn't have the heart to tell her that it was only the shell of me she had fixed, and only temporarily.

I could feel the cracks forming as soon as her little foot sprightly stepped out of my threshold.

I really did try to keep myself from totally falling apart again, for the sake of my work and the people that depended on me for their livelihood. I knew that that was a good enough reason to continue with my efforts at sobriety. They were good people and I did care about them.

And so I numbly continued with 'life' as I now knew it. Work. Eat. Sleep.

Fuck.

And then one rainy day in hell, probably about three weeks later,I received a phone call that woke me up.

**TPOV **– …back at the Starbucks, where Tracy's sisters had taken her after the movie…

My chest suddenly felt tight and my heart began thumping rapidly. I was totally dumbstruck. I'm not sure but I think my jaw may have dropped.

I looked around for my sisters and I couldn't see them in the order line. Or anywhere for that matter.

Where were they? I really needed them to come and rescue me.

I turned to look at him again, not quite believing what I knew I was seeing right in front of my lonely, heartbroken eyes.

"So, here you are!" He wasn't smiling. His eyes were cold as steel, his lips taut. "When were you planning on letting me know that you were here, and quite obviously recovered? Ever?"

He looked like he was ready to wait as long as it would take for me to answer the questions he had posed.

"I'm…I'm…I guess I don't know what to say…," was my brilliant answer. I knew full well that it wasn't going to be enough for him.

Jasper was hovering close-by and that was necessary because slowly a crowd was gathering and starting to recognize him.

"I think we need to take this discussion to another place, more private. Come with me." He motioned to Jasper so that he could lead us out.

"I can't leave…my sisters will wonder where I've gone to…" I tried to resist his hand on my elbow. It was futile. He was too strong. He lifted me to my unstable feet and proceeded to lead me outside and through the growing audience on the sidewalk.

"No, they won't. They know everything, Tracy. They helped me and brought you to me," he confessed quietly into my ear, no guilt in his voice.

They knew? How? Who told them? Amy! That had to be it. Or perhaps my mom? Unbelievable! Those traitors. Why couldn't they have listened to me?

The car was right outside the café, Jasper waiting to hold the door open for us. He didn't make eye contact with me. I guessed that he was pissed off with me as well. I prayed for this to be a nightmare, from which I'd awaken and return to my miserable aloneness. But I was pretty sure that it wasn't. Something about the way his hand pulsed electricity through my arm felt pretty damn real. How could it be pain and pleasure mixed together?

Edward climbed in first so that he could help me slide in. I was trapped…again. I was defenseless now and I didn't have the energy to try to figure a way out. I resigned myself to whatever came next. He was angry, to put it mildly.

We reached his hotel and were dropped off in the garage by the elevators. I was getting extremely tired of walking and my head was spinning.

As we stood in the elevator, waiting, I suddenly felt everything twist and turn and my legs went all wobbly...then nothing. I had passed out.

I awoke on a couch in the hotel room. He was sitting in a chair adjacent to me. As lucidity claimed my brain, I didn't want to wake up after all. I dreaded what was to come.

"Would you like some water?"

He didn't sound as upset as before. I nodded and he passed me the bottle of spring water, but it dropped out of my weak hand.

"Sorry, I haven't regained the full use of my hands yet." I was ashamed at my lack of coordination and strength somehow.

"Oh, I wasn't aware…oh yeah, I wonder why…?" he spoke, semi-sarcastically.

I deserved it. He was probably peeved that I'd stuck him with an astronomical medical bill.

"Look, I'll repay you for all medical expenses as soon as I can. I know it won't be soon enough, but I'm still waiting for my insurance company to respond to my claim. I'm sorry for the trouble I've caused you. So sorry…"

I lost steam, the tightness in my chest and throat became impossible to talk through. I was struggling for air and he recognized this immediately.

He came to my side and started to rub my back, to try to calm me down. He put his lips on top of my head and held my cheek with his other hand.

I was going to lose it …and as if on cue…sobs racked my body, silently.

"Ssshh…ssshh…my love, my love…don't…don't…I'm here now…don't take this on by yourself. I'm here…" His voice was like that of my sweetest dream becoming clear again.

He put both of his arms around me and pulled me tightly against his chest. I didn't know what to do.

What would be the right thing to do now?

Instead of deciding on the best course of action, my body decided that it would continue with the sobbing. He continued to squeeze me and rub my back.

I'm not sure how long we stayed locked in the embrace but, when I was finished crying, he held me longer. I hadn't noticed but he had been sobbing silently too.

"Oh, no…no…not you. Do not cry. Not because of me," I pleaded.

"Don't you have a single clue as to how I feel about you? I can't just shut off the feelings. They're permanent, irreversible... forever. I love you…I love you…I…love…you…"

He grabbed my head in his hands and kissed me with a passion that was stronger than any I'd ever experienced.

My lips surrendered to his, all too willingly.

It was like all the walls I'd built up around me began to crumble, and I stopped trying to push him away and drew him closer. It wasn't close enough for him as he wound his arms tighter around my body. His mouth wanted to reach deeper. I welcomed it, inhaling in his scent, deeper.

No inhibitions left now. No more fight left in me.

Just surrender...completely.

O~o~O~o~O

**A/N: I am soo sorry to those who read this last bit a few days ago…I freaked out when I realized what had happened, and I didn't want to just skip this one…**

**You know the "Drill"…**


	23. Fuck

Disclaimer: SM, all hers. Period. That. Is. All.

A/N: I realize this might be getting confusing, but…I can't explain why the chapters are broken up as such…just accept my sincerest apologies.

Thanks to AquariumJenn for being the f-awesomest beta…you are a fantastic woman and even though I'm kind of unsure of my fic, just having you helping me gives me courage. Also the warmest welcome and thanks to the newest member of my 'team' - Dazzled10, who has agreed to pre-read. She read the first posting, and has the smarts to catch some of my goof-ups. I love you too.

The following EPOV is a continuation of the previous EPOV in last chapter.

**EPOV **

_The Phone Call – Part 2_

The phone call was from Tracy's daughter. She asked me if I wanted to know anything about her mother.

Shit. Yes, of course I did. How could she doubt me?

"I wasn't sure how things were left and whether my mother had been in contact with you at all."

"No, umm…she hasn't." I fought back a lump creeping up into my Adam's apple.

"She's been doing well, as far as her physical healing goes…but she's pretty miserable otherwise." And then she floored me with her next question.

"Are you involved with anyone else?"

"Amy, you met me when I was with your mother. Do you believe that I could just move on so…so fast?"

I wanted her to know that my intentions were real and couldn't be waived aside by the next Hollywood starlet who crossed my path.

"No. I didn't believe that at all, Edward," she continued warily. It was as if she were walking on thin ice, about to break through to unfathomable depths.

"I can arrange for you to meet with my mom, if you want…"

I had to think about this, not because I didn't want to see Tracy, but because I didn't know if I could handle more rejection from her. I told her I would like to think about it for a while and I'd call her back when I'd decided.

My heart was aching in my chest already, knowing it would have to brace itself for the possibility of more crushing. Could I really do that to myself? Could I not?

I decided to call Alice for some sisterly advice, as if I didn't know what her side of the conversation would sound like.

"Edward, get the hell on that plane…NOW!" I knew I could always count on her for sage instructions.

"Why are you keeping your ass in L.A. for one minute longer?"

I so totally knew she was right.

I immediately called James to tell him of my immediate plans and he also had his two cents to offer.

"You've been a miserable son of a bitch ever since she left. Get your ass on that plane and don't come back until you can say you've exhausted all of the chances for reconciliation with her. Give it all you have and then, whatever happens, get on with your life. There's been enough moping and despairing around here and we're all pretty damned tired of it. Everyone's losing out when you're in this funk."

I somehow hadn't realized that my inner anguish was causing pain for everybody else in my immediate surroundings. I guessed that it was time to get shit together. It was time to stop being selfish and stop wallowing in my misery. It was time to act like a grown-up. I had responsibilities not only to myself, but to those who had committed their lives to helping me succeed.

The following night, I stayed up. I couldn't get any sleep at all. I couldn't get what Amy had said out of my mind. Could it be true? Did Tracy still …what?...love me? No. Care for me? Maybe.

I couldn't shake the memories of our lovemaking out of my mind. I refused to believe that anyone, let alone Tracy, could make me feel like that and not truly have the same deep feelings for me. But what did I know about love? It was totally new to me. Perhaps my feelings overwhelmed my sensibility and prevented me from seeing things clearly.

There must have been a reason why Amy called me. Could I dare hope that she knew her mother's feelings for me? How well could she read her?

Fuck.

I just couldn't make up my mind about what to do. Should I protect myself and ignore the phone call from Amy? Or should I let my gut lead my heart, or was it the other way around?

I finally gave up trying to sleep and dragged my sorry ass into the bathroom. I decided to brush my teeth and when I looked at myself in the mirror, what I saw made me cringe. My eyes were a muddy green, my face was pale like the dead and my hair was even more fucked up than it normally was.

Shit. If I was going to go to her, I'd have to re-vamp this look. I didn't want to scare her.

What if she did reject me? Again. My chest began to ache just at the thought of it. I felt incapacitated and didn't know if I could survive it. I had to have back-up. Maybe Jasper would come, just in case…

The minute I got out of the shower, Alice called me. What was she…psychic? She always had a knack for calling me when I needed her.

"So, Edward, what have you decided? And the answer had better be to go to her." She sounded like a cockatiel in my ear.

"Yes, I think so." I didn't sound too convincing.

"Edward. Just do it. You'll regret it forever if you don't go there. Find out, for once and for all." I knew she was right. I had to go, no matter what the outcome.

I threw some of my shit into a carry-on luggage case. I called Jasper and then my assistant, to book two tickets to Toronto. As much as I didn't care whether I went economy or first class, I was forced to go on the latter because of all the celebrity fucked-up shit.

Then I phoned Amy to let her know when I was arriving. She didn't need to come to the airport – I had Jasper to get a rental car and drive me to a downtown hotel. We were booked into the King Edward Hotel on Front Street, right across from the CN Tower. Not that it mattered. I wasn't there for sightseeing.

Amy had arranged to get Tracy downtown with a ruse of having a 'date' with her sisters. I didn't even know she had sisters. I guess we really hadn't gotten to know each other that well.

It had only been such a brief thing. Thing? Surely there had to be a more meaningful word for what we'd had. That bugged the shit out of me. We did have something meaningful. If I had my way it would still be in the present.

Doubts were creeping into my head again. Why had she gone? Did she really think we weren't meant to be? Hadn't she felt the surges between us? How could she not have?

Crap!

No! I couldn't doubt myself anymore. I had to do this. Jasper was waiting in the car outside the hotel and I was still luffing in the elevator on my way down to the lobby.

Just then my cell phone rang.

"Edward!" Guess who? How does she do that?

"Alice. What?"

"Tell me you're on your way to see her."

""Umm…yes, Alice, I am in the elevator about to get into the car and see her."

"Good boy. You will not be sorry, I promise." Alice was way too upbeat in her prediction.

"Alice, I'm really nervous. I don't know if really can go through with this…" My voice was shaking, as were as my legs.

"Yes, you can. Now stop second-guessing yourself and just go!"

"Ok, talk to you later," I sighed at her, tired of arguing and thinking about this.

I practically ran out of the elevator after noticing a small gathering of young teenaged girls gathered in the lobby. They hadn't noticed me…yet. I had just about made it to the open doors when I heard someone scream my name. Fuck. I made it to the car before they could reach me.

"Go, Jazz…fast!" He didn't have to ask why.

It was a short ride to the Starbucks. Jasper said he'd wait in the car, unless he noticed me needing his help.

I hesitated, gathering up my courage and looked out my window through the store window. And then I saw her.

Gulp. My heart jumped up into my throat and I involuntarily coughed. Breathe. Keep breathing…

The closer I got to her, the more I felt the magnetic pull she had on me. It was inescapable. It spurred me on. How could something that powerful be wrong? It gave me courage.

I saw her sister, whom I recognized by her description of herself on the phone. She waved and gave me a 'thumbs up'. I smiled weakly, unsure of myself, and shrugged.

I took a couple of seconds to take in the sight of her. She had her eyes closed and was sitting in one of the plush chairs. She had a peaceful air about her, a trace of a smile at the corners of her mouth. It made the want for her build to an unbearable pitch instantly inside of me. I could feel an electric charge in the air between us, causing me to tremble and my heart to race.

I took a deep breath, clenched my hands, straight by my sides, and took one step. Followed by another…

It was all I could do to not grab her and run away with her right then and there. How could she do this to me?

There were two empty chairs, one on either side of her. I silently sunk into the one to the right of her.

I quickly realized that trying to have any sort of conversation out in public was nearly impossible, so I grabbed her by the elbow and guided her to my car. Jasper drove us to my hotel so we could talk in my room. She seemed fairly disoriented and wobbly in the elevator.

Fuck. She fainted. I picked her up into my arms just as she started to descend.

It wasn't easy trying to open that damn door with her in my arms. Somehow I managed and took her onto the sofa. She was out for almost three minutes.

In that brief slice of purgatory I did two things.

First, I just marveled at how beautiful she was when she was sleeping. Her face was reminiscent of our brief encounter in Vancouver, especially after our love-making for the first time. She had drifted off with a slight sheen of perspiration on her face, which made her blushing face glow. I guess that's where the term afterglow comes from. Her mouth had been frozen in a pout, swollen from all of the kissing. The sight stirred my heart and prompted me to pray that I'd see that particular face again.

Next, I wracked my brain for the right things to say to her. Seeing how fragile she was forced me to rethink my previous offensive plan. Obviously she wasn't fully recovered and I didn't want to cause a relapse of any kind. I don't know why, on this third rock from the sun, I would ever think that particular method of confrontation would have worked with Tracy.

Just looking at her, so peaceful and still on my couch, reminded me of how sensitive I already knew she was. I was a fool to have started the way I had in the Starbucks. What the hell was the matter with me?

She began to stir. She wouldn't open her eyes, though. I'm sure she was scared. I had to make amends and start over.

My tone told her that I was going to be reasonable, I think, but then she began explaining to me and apologizing – for what?

I couldn't grasp what she was on about at first and when I finally did, I thought it was utterly absurd.

She was planning on paying me back for the costs of her medical emergency.

Fuck.

Did I somehow give her the impression that was what I expected or wanted? I didn't mean to.

I told her as much. Then she began to breathe erratically and I had to calm her down. Just touching her on the small of her back made my body yearn for hers. I couldn't stop myself. I brought my lips to her quivering, thin… gorgeous lips. There was a hunger which was relieved in the instant our lips touched, resulting in involuntary moans escaping from both our throats. The response was with a fervor reminiscent of the beginning of our relationship, causing my mind to drift to happier times.

Oh…it felt like home. This is where I wanted to be for the rest of my life. I couldn't get enough. Her resistance faded and she acquiesced herself to me.

It was bliss.

xXOXx

One thing quickly progressed to the next and we realized we no longer could stay apart. I was ecstatic. I couldn't wait to take her to my new home in L.A. It was only temporary, but I told her we could find a new one, together.

Together. Huh. That sounded like heaven. I yearned to spend every moment with her. It was going to be difficult to leave to go to work for any length of time.

I really have no idea why, but our relationship had been completely unnoticed by the papp's. That was the second best thing that had happened. Tracy didn't want to be in the limelight, I knew that. I didn't know how long that would last. I had to prepare her soon for the inevitable. I'd wait for when she finally accepted that we would stay together on a permanent basis.

As soon as we arrived in California, it truly did feel so much more peaceful. I felt it in every fiber of my being. We both had felt the connection strengthen and every time we made love; it just tightened. I wanted every square inch of her to be mine. I wanted her to want to be mine.

~O~X~O

James dropped by early this one morning. We had a bit of business to discuss. Some contracts to sign for new projects and such. He was totally relieved that I had returned with Tracy. I could see his physical reaction ease as soon as I had filled him in. The anxiety must have been strong prior.

As I returned to the bedroom, Tracy was just waking up. She had on such a wickedly beautiful smile, I had to ask her what she was thinking.

"Good morning, my sweet...how was your sleep?" I wondered, smirking at her sleepy form.

Tracy yawned, quickly covering her mouth in embarrassment and replied, "Amazing...you have to ask? And you?"

I couldn't help but break into a Chesire cat grin before answering, "It was fucking splendid."

"I am glad. I hoped that I didn't keep you up too late," she responded with an equally lust-loaded grin.

Last night. Yes. It was intense. And so fucking right. Gave me a hard-on just remembering…

"Tracy, do not get me to think about that too much or we will never get to eat today. I'm going to go and fix you something for breakfast before you say another word to make me want to jump you," I hissed, thinking only of Tracy's need for sustenance. Yeah, I was not being selfish for once in my god-damned life.

She was absolutely the best thing in my life. Ever. What really surprised me was that she couldn't seem to get enough of me either. Wow. That made me feel amazing. The relief was still washing over me.

We turned each other on wherever we were in close proximity and there was no lengthy thought process as to what we needed to do to fulfill each other's desires.

Before breakfast.

In the shower.

After the shower.

She was so fucking delicious.

I went back into the kitchen to make fresh coffee after and was suddenly jolted out of my euphoria by her screams.

What?

I ran to the bedroom and found her contorted, half-way out of the bed. The words were strained and difficult to decipher. Even once I understood each word, I couldn't process the context of what she was saying at first.

Her struggle to make any sort of sound overcame her, leaving only her eyes pleading with mine for help. Then, within seconds, I witnessed them begin to turn up - way too high to be normal – and her eyelids began to flutter.

I knew I had to get Tracy help as she went unconscious. I didn't want to leave her lying there, so I attempted to lift her, so that I could reach for my cell phone, which was on the nightstand. It was more of a drag than a lift, but I managed to successfully get it without hurting her.

I cradled her in my arms, waiting for emergency help to arrive.

She didn't regain consciousness until our arrival at the hospital. Even then I didn't think she was fully aware because they had given her a sedative, to prepare her for back surgery. I kissed her until she went totally under the anaesthetic and they took her into the O.R.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I knew what I had to do as soon as she woke up. I knew where her head would be at. I wasn't going to allow her to mess us up again.

I had to be strong.

A/N- Thanks to my faithfullest-est reviewers, since the first posting of this fic - kimjhill and alicester - you make all this worthwhile. Kim, you totally rock! I love your reviews so fucking much, girl. I love you for hanging in with this fic.

And now, upon the second posting, I'd like to thank arfalcon, whose reviews I eagerly wait, with baited breath, and my best friend, _dazzled10_ - I look forward to your comments each time and they always make me smile. You're great and kind to me-xoxo

Yeah, long-ass A/N, huh? I feel like I'm accepting an academy award or something…I just feel so much love to all of you reading right now, I can't even…


	24. Moving On

**A/N- this is the longest chap so far. It's emotional for me. Be patient as you read...**  
**Disclaimer: Steph is the Queen...and I'm just borrowing her Prince for a short time.**  
**xOxOxOx**

**Of course, an immense Thank You to my awesome-est beta, AquariumJenn, who is so kind and has the maddest skills. Hugs and kisses to _Dazzled10_ for pre-reading and constant support and mega laughs.**

**Tracy ~~ **Time: After Edward surprises her at Starbucks, Tracy succumbs… 

"So…you were saying?" he purred into my ear, stroking my collarbone with his finger. 

I couldn't think of anything to say that would be appropriate. The words were far away from my mind, lost in a sea of emotions. 

I just wanted to stay in the moment, never to leave such bliss. He laughed as he saw through the fleeting change in expressions that flashed through my eyes. He was enjoying the results of his power over me. 

"Okay, you are playing dirty. You know exactly how to manipulate me, which is why I left the way I did. I had to be the voice of reason—I thought…" I struggled with this part, realizing what a fool I'd been. "…I knew what was best for you. I still do, it's just that now…you've rendered me incapable of being unselfish. You've torn down the last bit of resolve I might have had by finding me. Last night was something I won't get over. Ever." 

I began running my fingers across his chest, down to his abdomen, across his hips. His response was immediate, and swift. He came down on top of me, kissing me with all the passion that I thought he'd exhausted last night. I tried to keep up but it was a lost cause. I succumbed - and let him envelop me completely. 

It was glorious, once again. Tears were about to erupt from my eyes as I climaxed. I nearly fainted with the waves of passion that rocked my body. 

How was he doing that? 

I didn't want him to stop but I was afraid of losing consciousness. It was purely instinctual and totally beyond words. No one else would ever know the powerful feelings we both were experiencing right then. It was just the two of us, absorbed in one another. 

I thought we were finished because the tempo had slowed, but… I was so wrong. The tidal waves were relentless, slamming into me, time and time again. 

As we reached near total exhaustion, he held me still in his arms and fell asleep. I couldn't stay awake either and soon drifted off. I think I caught a glimpse of the sunrise through the window. 

oXoXoXo 

I woke up to someone knocking on the door in the other room of the suite. Edward was not beside me and I could hear his quiet voice talking in response. 

He was here! It wasn't a dream. 

I wanted to spring out of bed but my body wouldn't cooperate. I was really sore. And then the memories of last night washed over me and made me giggle. Suddenly he was standing at the doorway, leaning against it, arms crossed across his bare chest, smiling his sexiest smile. 

"What are you giggling about?" He sauntered toward me and sat at the side of the bed. He began stroking my hair away from my face.  
"Um…I just had a flashback. I was feeling a little bit sore…" I laughed again and he joined me. Then suddenly he looked concerned. 

"I didn't hurt you, did I? I'm so sorry, I guess I was overwhelmed and didn't think about your fragility. Where does it hurt?" 

"I think it's ok - you were pretty energetic there, handsome," I admitted as I pulled him by the neck over to meet my lips. I managed to sit up and he adjusted us to fit, cross-legged and intertwined. He was holding me upright with his arms around me. 

"It was building over the past few months, I guess. Not being able to touch you or hold you when you were in those horrible casts and braces." His pain was visible on his face, remembering the image. "And then you disappeared without a trace. I panicked, until the doctor finally told me where you'd gone. Why did you do that to me?" 

I dropped my head, unable to answer him. Somehow my previous inclinations felt hollow and inadequate to explain. 

"I didn't understand anything, until your daughter phoned me. She explained to me the situation, how she saw it through your eyes. I knew I needed to give you time to get better, and then find you. Then you'd know that I wasn't staying with you out of pity. I wanted you to understand that I need you so desperately. I feel whole and normal with you around. You ground me. It was so fucking hard trying to go through the motions of everyday life. The work was the only thing that helped pass the time. I missed you to the point of aching, which only got worse every day. And then finally Amy called me to tell me that you were finally better enough to see me." 

My daughter…the sneak. I'd have to thank her. 

"I was miserable without you, too. I thought I was helping you to be young and carefree. I told you that more than once. I guess sometimes love trumps common sense, huh?" 

The pain in my legs was suddenly searing and I had to lie down to stretch them. He started to massage each limb alternately to see if that would help. It didn't hurt.

"I guess I'll have to take it easy on you. I won't apologize again because it was too amazing for words, wasn't it?" He began kissing me all over gently, before lying down beside me. 

This was contentment, serenity, pure joy. 

"Oh yes, breakfast came." 

He rolled over me to get out of bed and I caught him mid-roll, fastening my arms around him, my lips on his neck. "You are so distracting…" 

He was laughing softly. "Incorrigible. I don't want to put you over the edge, my love. Be good." He leaned down to kiss me and everything in me begged him to 'stay'. 

And we forgot all about the food. Again. 

XOXOXOXOX 

"Okay – let's try this again. Breakfast. You need your strength. You're healing," he insisted, partially teasing. 

He managed to escape my grasp this time and went to get the tray of food. He then propped a bunch of pillows for me so that I could sit up to eat. He placed the tray in between us. Yeah, like that would stop me from getting to him if I'd wanted. 

And I did. I really, really did…again. 

! 

I lifted my arm to stroke his hair from his eyes and he raised his eyes to meet mine. He knew my thoughts. I must have been so transparent. Or maybe he was just as crazy as I was. He started laughing at me again. I was not embarrassed, nor was he. The tray was quickly placed on the floor. 

I felt like I didn't have a care in the world - just joy. Edward knew what I needed and wanted before I realized it myself. We both wanted to do anything to make each other happy.  
No regrets, either. I was going to be with him for as long as he wanted me. I was sure of that now. He didn't need to say it aloud. All of his actions screamed 'hopelessly in love'. And his words conveyed that message clearly as well. He craved for normal in his chaotic life. It brought him to a place of peace and stopped his mind from being scattered. There were so many temptations and distractions that were put in front of him daily. I finally got it. I wanted to get it. I needed to get it. 

~o~o~ 

I must have drifted off again and woke up to voices in the other room. I think Edward was talking to someone on his cell phone. 

I waited until he was done and then I went to have a shower. The water felt so nice and warm. I let it beat down on me for a long time with my eyes closed, lost in thoughts of the past night. 

I felt a hand wrap around my waist and then his body against mine. He pushed me to the wall and began his soft takeover of my body. I opened my eyes and saw that his Aegean Sea -green eyes were open too. A smile reached the corners of his gaze and he started kissing me with more pressure, up the one side of my neck, over to my mouth. And then he worked his way down the other side of my neck and my shoulders. He kept on going in that direction. 

My breathing hitched, then became faster, the waves were hitting me again and again. I crumpled onto the floor, overwhelmed. 

"Oh, Love. I'm sorry. What did I do wrong?" Distraught, he lifted me out of the shower, wrapped me in the terrycloth robe and carried me over to the bed. 

It took me awhile to get it together again. "Wow, what you do to me…amazing. I'm sorry." I didn't want him to feel like he had done a single thing wrong - because he hadn't. 

"I'm thinking that the emotions surging between us, magnified by our desire to please each other, is causing an overload for you." He was smiling from ear to ear, very peacock-like and proud of himself. "I'm just…too much…for you." 

"I guess I'll have to practice more to get used to the energy we create," I teased as I poked him in the side. He pulled me close to him, kissing the top of my head. 

"No, seriously, maybe we should have you checked out by a doctor. Do you have a good one here? I can get hold of one if you don't." His face was now intensely serious. He started to reach for his cell phone on the nightstand. 

I pulled him back. I couldn't stand to have him leave my side, even a foot. I needed him, like air in my lungs. We really weren't going to accomplish anything outside of this room for quite a while. 

"Right, like what am I going to tell a doctor? Um, I passed out while making love to the most devastatingly amazing lover…what is wrong with me?" I laughed, which eased that little bit of tension. 

I could tell that the issue was not completely going to disappear but for a moment…or two, exhaustion took over and I fell asleep immediately after. 

xOOxOOx 

I woke up alone in our bed, smelling roses. As I opened my eyes, there were a dozen of them, pink in color, beside me on the nightstand. It made me so deliriously happy. 

I stretched with my arms extended over my head and my eyes closed. 

_Snap! _

I froze. What was that? It felt like it originated in my spine. 

Oh no! 

I tried to relax my body but the pain was excruciating! I screamed and Edward was at my side in an instant. 

"What happened? What's wrong?" He was looking at my twisted torso, confused. 

"I…don't…know…," my voice was shaking," something in my…back…" I screamed again as I tried to breathe. It was too much pain. I was losing my ability to think or talk. 

And then I went unconscious. 

(+_+) 

I came to and didn't know what had happened. The pain was gone and I felt numb. 

It dawned on me then that I was in a hospital bed. 

Oh crap, crap, crap! 

What had happened? 

There was an IV hooked up to my arm. I could hear the familiar beeping of the heart monitor.

I looked around and the room was empty. 

I didn't want to yell or anything, so I waited patiently for someone to come in. Surely it wouldn't be that long. 

It felt like over an hour until someone came. It was a nurse, to check my vitals. She was surprised to see that I was awake. I asked her where Edward was but she claimed to not

I know. I guess I'd just have to wait. 

Fortunately, he arrived just as soon as she left. 

"Oh, you're finally awake. Good." He put his coffee cup on my bedside table and leaned down to kiss me.

"You've had a bit of a setback, Love. Apparently our strenuous, um…workouts, were not a good idea. I'm so sorry." As he explained, he looked so guilty and pained." I knew I should have taken you to the doctor when you passed out in the shower." 

"Don't do that to yourself. You didn't know. We didn't know. So what exactly happened?" 

"Well, as far as I can gather, a disk popped out when you twisted while stretching. They did surgery yesterday and that's why you're numb still. You'll need bed rest for a few weeks. You have a back brace on again." 

Great! Weeks? Again? I could have cried. Why wasn't I? Must have been the drugs they had me on. 

We looked at each other in silence, no words spoken, the silence full of meaning. What was there to say? He knew what I was going to be thinking soon and told me to not even go there. This was us, not me alone, not him alone. We were going to handle this as a couple. 

At least this time I could talk, see, use my arms and hear. When he sat next to me, I felt like I could handle this as long as he stayed with me. Just his voice me made me feel somewhat better instantly. And his kisses helped too. 

"But I don't want you to miss any work. Seriously. If you need to go, then go. I'll be all right." 

"I'm ok for now to stay. We'll see a little later in the week, maybe I might have to go then. I called your family. They're coming here to visit. Do you want me gone for that?" 

"Not on your life. I need your support. You can kick them out if it gets too much for me. You have a way with the ladies." I smiled crookedly at him. 

He gave me the 'ladies' man look in return. Oh, that made me want to kiss him and I outstretched my arms as much as I could. He hugged me back gently. 

"I think our extra-curricular activities are on hold for a while. Behave and don't make it worse for me," he scolded with a mischievous smile. 

"Worse for you? I've got it worse! I can't move and you are irresistible." 

We spent the entire night watching the TV, just holding hands. It was enough of a distraction for now. I couldn't imagine keeping this up for any long stretch though. 

The first week was tolerable with Edward present every day, during most of the days. We watched more television, pay-per-view movies and he serenaded me with his guitar. 

He remained with me when my family came to visit. We eventually laughed about the ambush night that my sisters participated in to bring Edward and I back together. But I will not forget.

I will get them back, eventually, when they least suspect it. 

It was six days later that Edward needed to fly to LA to attend some award shows and do interviews for another movie which was being released in a few weeks. There was a lot of buzz and it was expected to do very well in the box office. 

He phoned me twice a day to see how I was doing and we talked for long stretches about everything. He didn't leave any of the important details out. I kept up on the news via the Internet. There were the usual rumours about Edward and his co-stars. Unavoidable. We did laugh about the articles, which helped me to ignore them a little bit better.

It was quite a feat that news of my involvement with him was not even hinted at. Somehow, we had managed to keep it secret. Considering all of the medical workers we'd encountered over the past few months, it was a bonafide miracle that not one of them had spilled the beans. 

/\\/\\ 

The day finally arrived! I was being released from the hospital. Without a back brace, too! I did feel extremely stiff and I was given strict instructions on what type of physical movements to do and not to do. I was going to get daily visits from a physical therapist. 

Edward had returned and arranged for a rental house for us so that it would be more comfortable than a hotel room during my recuperation. 

He was also making plans for me to move in with him into a house which he had rented in California once I was given the green light for travel again. 

I was starting to get excited. We had talked about purchasing a beach house and decorating it together. He was so thrilled to finally get a home of our own.

He said he was good with either decision, but wanted me there with him to make it. 

I loved everything about a beach house. Being close to the beach. But I wasn't sure if memories would haunt me there – the bad ones. I thought we should try it and see. He was a bit hesitant, but after some debating, agreed. It wouldn't be the exact same home or location, so hopefully it would work out. 

After two more weeks, I was given that proverbial green light for travel. The doctors gave me letters and referrals for further rehabilitation. 

My family had a farewell dinner for us and I didn't feel too badly, knowing that I'd be able to fly them to see me periodically. Edward had insisted on this arrangement. He said his family also came to visit fairly often, keeping him grounded. It sounded like we wouldn't be homesick too much. 

He told me to only pack the clothing which I thought were newer and he'd make me go shopping once I felt well enough. He was even going to arrange for a stylist to help me choose outfits. I guess I could use the help, especially if I was going to be attending functions with Edward. I just wish I could get a confidence coach for those. 

The whole process of relocating had begun. 

The paparazzi avoided, being dropped off at a different gate, meeting him after the security area. The escort I had was even the same one that I'd had previously at Pearson in Toronto. It worked like a charm. I was getting the hang of this and enjoyed the flight "home". 

We discussed the exit from the airport and he wanted me to walk with him to the limo, but I resisted the idea. There was no way he could talk me into exposing our private side quite yet.

I truly wanted to keep it completely private. Just the two of us, with no outside eyes peering at us constantly.

There was a slight adjustment as to how I was to get to the limo, so that no cameras would catch us. Another car would be waiting for just me and he'd switch cars after leaving the airport. It went flawlessly. As soon as I reached his car and he slid over to sit next to me, my heart relaxed. 

When we arrived at the beach house it was almost sunset. Edward grabbed some non-alcoholic champagne and took me out to the deck to watch it. Very romantic. We kissed for ages out there and he then led me to the back of the house to our bedroom. 

He was so gentle with me and it was sweeter than I'd remembered. I thought it was always going to get better and better with him, the man of my dreams. He didn't rush or use too much strength, always asking me if I was okay and not in pain. 

It was the opposite of painful, for sure. 

He trailed kisses from my hand up to my shoulders, then across my collar to the other shoulder and down my other arm. He snuck a kiss onto my lips then ducked down to begin taking turns worshipping each breast with the warmth of his tongue, nipping and sucking. It was sublime.

There was a direct link to my core, my readiness for him to be apparent. He discovered it as his hand slid down between my legs on its way to tease my wetness. His mouth paused as this dawned on him and I could feel him smirk before continuing with his ministrations.

"My love…" His thoughts were taken over by a feverish desire and he positioned himself between my all too obliging legs, wrapped around his hips to gain him access. Wasting no time Edward teasingly entered me as I bucked my hips, begging to feel his length inside of me.

Coherency escaped my thoughts, as we became lost in the multitude of sensations coursing through our bodies. The perspiration melded between us as the pace intensified until we each were at our final release. As my walls began clenching him, I felt his body tighten, then shudder as he came.

He let out a slight chuckle after then gently released himself and collapsed beside me.

I was filled with relief as it felt like a different lifetime ago since we'd been together, like this. It was the final connection we needed to complete our union. Edward needed this, his tether to normal, so desperately. I needed it equally, to eradicate any doubts still lingering in my mind.

How had we ever managed to not be this close for such a long time? 

We didn't even fall asleep until dawn, just taking our time being in our own bubble of bliss.

Indulging in the sweetness of each caress, each declaration of love… 

"I love you, forever, my love," he crooned sleepily into my ear. 

"I love you, forever." 

I fell asleep with my head on his chest, his arms wrapped protectively around me. 

~o~x~o~ 

**OK, come on...The Drill! **

**I need the energy ;) I'm thoroughly spent, writing this chap, and totally scared..?**  
**And, I didn't leave you hanging in the middle of the bad and the sad...**

**Um…yeah…the lemon? **

**Luv ya - xx**


	25. The Normal

**Disclaimer: Props to Steph—she's the one who owns Twilight et al.**

**Much love to my fantastic beta, AquariumJenn, who is one of the hardest working beta's out there and I so appreciate all of her time on my fic. Also many thanks to my pre-reader, Dazzled10, without whom I would surely go totally insane.**

**~x~o~x~**

After breakfast (or lunch, I guessed by the clock) we got dressed to go for a stroll.

I wasn't sure I was ready to face the beach so soon, after the horrible ordeal back in Vancouver, but we thought perhaps we'd drive to Carmel and walk on a beach there. The temperature was getting a bit chilly toward the late afternoon and we were glad we'd brought sweaters.

Edward had someone purchase matching brown hoodie zip-up sweaters for us. Such a cute idea and they were so cozy.

We held hands during most of the walk and on the way back we were against the wind. He put his arm around my shoulders, drawing me close to his body for warmth.

We didn't need to talk incessantly because the silence was meaningful too. The way he looked at me with his caring eyes said so much. It was really starting to sink into my head, this 'us' - as in forever.

It was a mellow sensation in the deep recesses of my core.

I had a 'wow' moment.

This halted me and I put my arms around his waist, squeezing hard. He was surprised but grabbed my face and leaned down to kiss me.

"What was that about? You looked like you just found something," he commented in between short kisses.

"In a way…it was sort of an epiphany. My brain finally caught up to my heart and it sort of shocked me."

"Are you going to keep me in suspense?" He was walking backwards, facing me while pulling me by the hands.

"You have to ask? I love you. And…you love me! That's incredible!" I stopped again, waiting, looking at his beautiful face.

He laughed as he put his arms around me and twirled me around, my feet flying out from under me. And then he abruptly stopped and gently let me down. We both had momentarily forgotten about my recent back incident apparently. We held our breath for a while. It was fine.

"Yes! I know. It is incredibly wonderful." He bent down to kiss me hard, still holding me tightly.

This was finally a nice beach experience. If only our house wasn't so far away…

On the way back, we stopped at a Mexican restaurant we'd noticed on the way in and ate dinner. They had a small deck outside, facing the water so we could see the sunset while we ate. The food was authentic and delicious.

The wait staff was excited as they recognized Edward and asked if he'd mind signing autographs and taking a few pictures. He was cool about it and complied. They pretty much left us alone after that.

The table we were at was fortunately well hidden and the other patrons were not fully able to view us. After eating, he pulled his chair closer to mine and we gazed at the sunset in its final few minutes. It was romantic as Edward wrapped his arm around me, engaging in periodic kissing.

I opened my eyes during one kiss and caught a glimpse of someone approaching us. This person had a big camera in his hands. Oh no.

"Edward, there's a photographer coming toward us," I whispered into his ear.

"Let's go." Edward tried to make light of what had happened but his agitation was evident by how intense his driving was.

"Do you think the staff at the restaurant squealed?"

The speed was starting to frighten me, considering how curved and narrow the road was.

"Could be…or someone just saw us in passing, someone I didn't notice. I'm sort of used to it and can tell if someone has spotted me - it's made me paranoid in a fucked up way."

"Are they still after us?" I was immediately regretting my words, not wanting to anger him any more than necessary. I could see that his attention was divided between the perilous highway and the unseen annoyance in the rearview mirror.

I didn't know what we'd do if that was the case. Would we go home? Or would that divulge our address to a horde of media? Where would we escape?

"Not sure yet. I'm going to call Jasper. He always has a plan to get me to a safe place," he explained as he took out his cell.

Jasper gave him instructions on the speaker as he drove and I held the cell. We headed to the studio lot, where the paparazzi weren't allowed to enter.

Once there we switched vehicles, moving into a blue van with no windows and were driven by Jasper. He navigated randomly, making sure we weren't being followed and then took us to the beach house. His calm, confident manner was immediately placating both Edward and myself, as if he were emanating some invisible sedative into the air around us.

It felt like we'd been gone for days, instead of hours. Once inside safely, we plunked down onto the sofa and Edward flicked on the fireplace. It was getting chilly. We cuddled, watching the mesmerizing flames, and willing their warmth to reach us.

He asked if he could get me anything.

"Anything?" My eyebrow lifted, playfully.

In the very next moment, his hand wove through the back of my hair and pulled me to him. He was light-hearted in his kissing, teasing me in his tantalizing way.

I started laughing, which infectiously spread to him. We fell off the sofa in a fit we couldn't control. He fell first, onto his back, and I was soon on top of him. I sat up, straddled his waist and he grabbed my hands to hold me up. I leaned down to kiss him and he spread my arms to the side to make it easier.

We somehow managed to make our way to the bedroom in the darkness.

xOxOxOx

We enjoyed the next few weeks all to ourselves. I managed to take it easy enough to not hurt myself. It just meant taking our time and being gentle. Not such a bad thing.

The therapy started shortly after the first weekend. The therapist came to the house every morning at eleven o'clock, the sessions being forty-five minutes long.

The exercises consisted of range of motion movements as well as stretching, so that the muscles didn't atrophy or stay weak.

I was told there would be pain before it would feel better. It tired me out and I usually had a nap after she was gone.

Edward would spend the time either on the Internet or reading in bed beside me, waiting for me to wake up. Then he'd prepare a healthy late lunch for us to have on the deck.

It was a ritual we quickly became accustomed to, like a couple of old-timers. Well, actually, I was the only old one here. I resolved to get well quickly, so he wouldn't be dragged down by me.

He seemed content staying home and being alone with me but I had to wonder if that was really enough for him.

"You know, I don't mind if you go out with your friends." I meant to sound approving, not like I was giving him permission or anything.

"It's pretty mind-numbing for you to be stuck here with me all the time, isn't it?" I didn't really want to hear the answer to that but, since I'd thrown it out there, what could I do?

"Don't be daft. There's nowhere I'd rather be. I'm not the least bit interested in clubbing or stuff like that. Perfectly happy here with you." He said it so matter-of-factly that I think I almost believed him.

"Besides, I'm never leaving you alone again..." His thoughts no doubt transported him back to the day I disappeared.

Aha – he was feeling guilty and wouldn't let himself put me in danger, no matter what.

I'm not sure what I could do to help him get over his anxiety. I guess the image of me after being attacked so brutally was hard to erase from memory. My daughter coming to visit would give him the out that he needed.

I'd have to help him to leave me to go to work or something then. Or - I had a flash of inspiration - maybe he could arrange to have some of his friends come to visit here. When I mentioned this he was hesitant, but agreed to think about it.

"I don't even have to be around you guys, I'll watch a movie or something in the bedroom. You need to catch up with your friends. It'll be good for you."

"What makes you think I wouldn't want you to be here too? Are you reverting back to your old thought patterns - the ones where you're not good enough for me?"

My face was now in between his two hands, his eyes intently gazing into mine.

"No, umm…I don't think so, I don't know…it's just that, um…I don't want you to end up resenting me for keeping you isolated or something," I was only trying to be honest with him. He was clearly did not agree with my assessment of his situation.

"You know, the only thing in this relationship that drags me down is your lack of confidence. I don't understand why you just can't truly believe that I'm not ashamed of you and I want to be with you all the time. It doesn't matter what we do or don't do, as long as we're together. I don't need outside entertainment. You are all I need to be happy."

He guided me onto his lap and started to convince me with his lips, once again. I kind of was turned on by his methods of coercion, the intensity of his arguments, the fierceness in his touch…

The next day after my therapy, Edward said he'd called a few of his friends and invited them over for a BBQ in the evening. He thought it would ease my mind if I saw him reconnecting with his friends. He was right.

He came to lie next to me as I napped. I felt safe with him so close.

I was becoming way too attached, to the point of co-dependency. It wasn't that I minded it for myself but I knew, in my head, that it wouldn't be a good thing for him.

I needed him to feel separate from me, too. I needed to know that he would be all right without me - if anything ever happened to me. It almost had. Something had happened to me. I saw how he wouldn't let go of me then. I just needed to know that the support system was in place for him.

After my nap, I helped him with the menu and grocery list for the get-together, saying I could do the shopping for him if I just knew where to go. Apparently, all we had to do was phone the supermarket and have it delivered. They'd even prepare party trays of appetizers, pretty much anything we needed. So in the end, there wasn't a lot I that I needed to do.

Edward's friends began arriving just after 6 p.m., dependent on their shooting schedules. Some were from the film he was currently shooting while others he knew from the previous ones.

Edward passed around some wine and I took some, not thinking about the consequences. I started feeling dizzy half-way through one glass. He noticed me swaying and reached me just before I was about to fall down. He realized why it had happened as soon as he reached me.

"I'm sorry, Tracy. I totally forgot to give you the non-alcoholic wine. I think you should go lie down in the bedroom for a bit, ok?" He lifted me to stand and led me to the bedroom.

I was embarrassed. How could I have been so stupid? I was just so dizzy, even when I closed my eyes.

I thought I was going to be sick so I clumsily made my way to the bathroom. And I was. It helped somewhat. I went back to lie down.

I was happy that he had not witnessed that. He was enjoying himself for a change. I felt relief. I fell asleep to the sound of happy voices coming from the 'living' room.

When I woke up, I still felt nauseous and had a huge headache. I heard him talking with someone in the kitchen.

Then everything sounded quiet. Did they hear me?

I looked at the clock – 12:42 a.m..

Oh, I had slept through the whole party. I made my way to the bathroom again. I hated this. After brushing my teeth and hair, I wandered out to the kitchen. I was ashamed to show myself. I didn't know who was still here.

I heard a little bit of the conversation. It was about work, the director, other actors, the location, that kind of stuff. Then his friend mentioned a woman's name and Edward's response was uncharacteristically cold. Then the talking stopped.

Did they know I was here? Crap! What should I do? I slowly crept back to the bedroom and went to sit in the bed. I turned the TV on.

After about twenty minutes I heard the door close loudly. Edward slowly walked into the room.

"Hey, how was it? I'm sorry I bailed on you. I can't believe I slept all this time." I tried to sound normal.

"That's okay, it was good. I'm going to brush my teeth," he answered in a sullen tone. He didn't even look at me as he walked by.

That night was the first one since we arrived that we weren't intimate. What had I done? Had I embarrassed him?

I couldn't sleep that night, my mind racing against the probable reasons for his mood. I thought he was asleep, but didn't want to risk waking him to check. It was an agonizing night. I finally fell asleep just after dawn.

I woke up briefly once and he was gone. The next time I awoke, he was there in the bed, reading from his computer.

"Hey there, sleeping beauty." He leaned to kiss my forehead.

I shuffled over to slip under his arm and rest my head on his shoulder. He started rubbing my arm absent-mindedly. He continued reading. I didn't want to be nosy so I kept my eyes closed.

There was something different in the way he held me that morning, but I didn't know what. When he removed his computer from his lap, he sighed and closed his eyes. I touched his cheek to turn it toward me and held it until he opened his eyes. He looked sad.

"What's wrong? I'm sorry for what happened with me last night. I don't know how I could have forgotten about my meds..."

He looked at me for a torturous minute before he finally spoke. "It was totally my fault, not yours. You trusted me to look after you and I failed you." He smiled crookedly and looked away.

I did not know what else to say. I wracked my brain for an answer.

"You have a doctor's appointment today. I'll have Jasper take you, if that's okay."

He paused and then added, "I have to go to the studio to clear something up."

I could just tell there was no point in trying to get any information from him. I told him I'd get ready to go. I kissed him and he lightly returned the kiss. Not good.

My stomach did a flip and I ran to the washroom again. I couldn't hide it from him this time and he rushed to my side.

"What's wrong? I'm sorry, love, I wasn't paying careful enough attention to you. I'm so sorry, it's all my fault." He hung his head and looked so pitiful.

I rinsed my mouth, then turned to him." It wasn't your fault any more than it was mine, so don't beat yourself up about it. It just happened." I smiled to comfort him. I didn't think he was buying it. I didn't really want to continue with a debate so I changed my tack.

"Could you please call Jasper and tell him I'm ready now." I kissed him as I walked out of the bedroom.

I would give him space so he could figure out whatever it is he needed to figure out.

I didn't have to wait more than ten minutes in the doctor's waiting room, which was a nice change from back home. The doctor asked a lot of questions and I confessed to my faux pas and how nauseated I'd been ever since. He noted it all in my chart and then said he wanted me to go for blood tests. The nurse would take my blood in her office and then send it to the lab. He'd call me for a follow-up appointment soon. He also thought the progress I was making with my back was excellent.

Jasper picked me up from the clinic and drove me home. I told him I wanted to stop at a store to buy something and he took me to a nearby market. It was like a breath of fresh air to be in a regular store, buying regular things. I bought snacks which we didn't have back home in Canada and some fruit to replenish our supply. The only thing was that I forgot I had no money. Jasper seemed to sense this and told me to put it on Edward's account, giving me his account number.

When I returned home, Edward wasn't there. Jasper said he'd stay outside until his return, which he didn't think would be too long.

So that's what the phone call was all about. He wanted Jasper to babysit me. His guilt wouldn't let him leave me alone for one second. I was sure it would ease up after we were settled into normalcy again and he went back to work. I knew he had to be missing that.

When Edward returned, he seemed to be in a better mood and reached out to me as I welcomed him back. He was a hundred times more enthusiastic than this morning which made me feel a lot better.

He said he'd fix us some lunch but I had beaten him to it. It really wasn't that much of an effort, as there was still a lot of leftovers from the shin-dig the night before. We ate outside on the deck, watching all the people enjoying the sunny day on the beach below.

He asked about my appointment. I asked how his work was going. He didn't go into a lot details but said it was progressing steadily. He needed to be on the set every day for the rest of the week.

Then he shocked me by telling me my daughter was flying in tomorrow to see me.

"Really? So soon? What brought this on?"

"I just thought you'd be missing her. I phoned her to see if it would work with her schedule and it does, so…And since I'll be working a lot, it works for all of us." He reached over to stroke my cheek, and I leaned into it, looking into his eyes. But he looked away, staring out into the ocean.

What was he thinking? Obviously there was still something brewing behind those green eyes of his. I had not seen him so distant before. I was now officially worried. I had done something so wrong that he needed to escape from me as soon as possible.

My thoughts began spiraling down into my dark pit of despair once again. Fast. Suddenly I wasn't hungry anymore.

"I'm tired… going to lie down, ok?" I stated, as I walked into the house.

He didn't reach for my hand as I drifted silently past him. I couldn't reach for him either. I was scared.

I had a nightmare during my nap and woke up with sweat beaded on my forehead. I was alone. Again. I couldn't stop myself and began to silently cry into my pillow.

Edward walked in on my pity party and sat on the bed, next to me. He began stroking my hair and the tears from my face.

"What's the matter?" He leaned in to quietly ask in my ear, following it with a kiss. I quickly took advantage and turned my face so that my lips met his. I tangled my hands in his hair and forced him to stay locked on mine. He returned my desperate kiss with one of equal desperation of his own.

We weren't in sync though, so I took a breath and pulled away enough to look into his eyes longingly. He met my neediness with his own. It was different again. I couldn't identify what was missing or different.

He stopped us short of giving in to each other completely. Why? I didn't understand.

"I'm sorry, love, I have to leave." He struggled to release me, then walked out of the room.

I was stunned. I felt like I'd been punched in the gut. I couldn't move. I felt nauseous again and ran to the bathroom. I wished my stomach would stop doing that. I had not been sick like that in a long time.

I went to the kitchen to find something to eat. I ended up getting a cracker and some ginger ale. It helped. I walked out to the deck to get some fresh air. I didn't know where exactly he'd gone and that started nagging at me.

And then I remembered what I overheard the night before. A woman's name. I didn't remember it. Could she have anything to do with the change in Edward's behavior?

I tried calling him later, around dinner time, to see if he was coming home, but he didn't answer. I wasn't hungry anyway.

I turned on the great room TV and just stared at the screen, not caring what was on. I was curled up on the sofa with a blanket wrapped around me. It was dark outside when I checked the time on my cell, I was surprised that it was 10 p.m. - already.

I cleaned up and went to get ready for bed. I then thought about Jasper, and put on my sweater over my pj's to see if he was still outside in his car. He was. I traipsed over to speak to him.

"Jasper, I'm going to bed, so you might as well go home. I'll lock all the doors. I'll be fine."

He looked tired and incredibly bored. I should have invited him inside earlier. I was too wrapped up in my own thoughts that I'd totally forgotten he was there all that time. How incredibly insensitive of me. I apologized profoundly to him. He said it was fine. Not fine, in my eyes.

I went to bed and it didn't take long for me to fall asleep. At some point in the night I woke up to see Edward walking out of the bathroom to the bed. I turned onto my back so I could watch him. He was lost in thought and didn't even notice I was awake.

I rolled over to face him when he laid down. He laid there on his back, ran his fingers through his truly mussed-up bronzed locks, and put his arm up behind his head. He then turned to me and lifted a corner of his mouth into a slight smile.

"Hey, love, you're up? I didn't mean to wake you. Sorry."

He brought his arm down and wrapped it around me, then brought his other arm to do the same. This finally felt right.

"I love you," was all he said.

I felt like I could breathe again. I hugged him tight and he turned on his side to face me, closing his eyes to kiss me.

I kept my eyes open. I held the left side of his face in my hand until he opened his eyes again. We stared into each other, searching. And then we both found 'it' at the same time. It was still there, as strong as ever.

His lips were extremely warm, almost hot, as they devoured mine. We gasped for air every few intense seconds, not desiring to release any point of contact with each other.

His hands were fiercely traversing my body, as if he had not touched it in ages. I yearned for his connection with everything inside of me. My reactions were equally as fervent.

I didn't need any more foreplay than that so I pulled down his pajama pants and welcomed him back.

It was like another dawning, the walls which had begun to climb higher, my defenses, crumbled down again. I had been frightened, causing them to rise.

We didn't speak at all that night. It wasn't necessary.

~x~o~x~

**The Drill. Go. Please.**

**Thank you all for reading so far.**


	26. What Was Normal Again?

**Disclaimer: Steph is the Twilight Queen. I am a lowly pawn, a jester in a court far away from her world…**

**A/N: **A million thanks to my lovely Beta, _**RandomCran**_ (formerly AquariumJenn)! Her awesome-ness is the awesome-ness-est…Please check out her hubby, Morgan Locklear's fics _Bella Voce_ and _Brutte Parole_ – they are superb!

Also love and hugs to my pre-reader _**_Dazzled10_**_ , yeah, we are going to take over Twitter one day.

Also…I'd like to apologize for not posting as frequently. I am in the middle of a new 'fic' and it's taken up a little more time than I anticipated. It' called A Tweet Story and is being posted here as well. It's different and maybe some of you would enjoy it. I realize it's not everybody's cup of tea.

**~o~o~o~**

He was gone when I woke up but had left me a note.

'_Good morning, love. Off to work I go. Call if you need anything and I'll arrange it. Jasper is picking up Amy from the airport at 11 a.m. Have fun! I love you, E.'_

I felt loads better that morning. Not having him close made me go mental. I needed him so badly.

Amy would be the perfect distraction while he was working. I couldn't wait to wander around L.A. with her. Edward's credit card was burning a hole in my wallet and I couldn't wait to find some new clothing. I was refusing Edward's offer of a stylist so Amy would have to do the job. I'd reward her with some things, as usual. I could never resist buying her things.

I prepared a light lunch for when she arrived. When she finally did, she was excited to spend time with me – and Edward - again. I suppose, even at her age, she still felt the dependence on me. I had always been her confidante and she, my closest friend to chat with about life, now that she was older.

She helped me put the sandwiches and salad onto plates, and along with our glasses of spring water, headed out to the terrace to eat.

"Mom, you look a little haggard. Your eyes seem a bit more tired looking than usual and I think you've even lost weight, noticing by the way your clothes drape over your body. You seem out of sorts, too, and can't even say a single sentence coherently, losing your train of thought in the middle of your sentences. What's going on?" She was brutally honest.

"Umm… I don't know I've been a little bit sick. I guess I didn't realize how bad I looked. Thanks for letting me know." I rolled my eyes in exaggeration at my mock sincerity. "Sorry, I've been a bit preoccupied lately as well."

I suddenly felt old and so out of place – my insecurities creeping up on me once again. How could this vibrant gift of a man be mine? How was he not holding the arm of a beautiful young co-star? Was he just reacting to the pressures of his fame? Would he realize his mistake at any moment?

"Oh, you're not that bad. It's just that I can tell when something's a little bit off with you, Mom. I know you so well. Tell me all about it," she said in a motherly tone. It made me wonder…who was the mother around here?

I could never keep much from her, so I spilled out all my insecure thoughts and perceptions of the last few days. Perhaps she would have a clearer view of the situation.

"Mom, you have to stop worrying or you'll drive yourself nuts. He's in love with you - that's so painfully obvious. Do not doubt that. He has a different lifestyle than what you're used to and that'll take some time for you to adjust to. Simple as that, I think."

"You're right, I guess. Still the same old me, struggling with myself. I'm so glad you came to straighten me out." A short laugh escaped my lips. "With him off at work all day and night, I would have surely gone insane by myself. I'm so glad you had the time to come to be with me." I hugged her tight and kissed her on her cheek. She hugged me tightly in return and I realized how much I'd missed her, even in that short time.

"Okay we're not wasting one more minute of your visit with my drama. I have a huge shopping trip planned for us. Downtown L.A.! Are you ready? I was thinking… tomorrow?"

"Really? That would be fun. I don't have too much money to spare, but maybe enough for a few baubles." Amy was always excited to go shopping, unlike myself. I abhorred the whole process and the feeling afterward. The exhaustion and let-down of not being able to find anything to purchase usually was almost a sure bet with me.

"Don't worry about anything. I have this…" I pulled out the black card, tauntingly. "Edward has been encouraging me to go out and use this for some new clothes. He even has a stylist waiting for my call."

"That's so awesome, Mom. I'm so happy that this is happening for you," she giggled, her eyes alight with sincere happiness.

"I won't be taking advantage of his generosity - that wouldn't be copacetic, of course - he trusts me.'

We had talked about this when we first came out to L.A. together. He knew I was giving up a lot for him - my job, my family - so he wanted and thought it was only right that he would support me. It was hard for me to accept, but was there any other option? I couldn't work once word leaked that we were together.

We spent the remainder of her first day just soaking up the sun's rays on the beach; talking, listening to music and reading. She was on the internet talking to all of her friends for quite a while. This was something I was used to back home. Suddenly this felt more like home to me too. Amy's presence was the link I hadn't realized I'd needed, until now. Everything had been so new – fantastic, yes – and different, but I really wasn't able to relax into it. I missed the familiar faces on the news broadcast, the colours of taxis, police cars and paper money, as well as the everyday things we both did together and separately.

I told her she could not tell her friends about Edward and me yet. This she found excruciatingly difficult to do, but agreed. She didn't think even the best of her friends would be able to keep that information under their hats for very long.

When it was supper time, Edward called and asked if we wanted to meet him. He had a few hours between takes. He said Jasper could pick us up in 15 minutes. We agreed and quickly scrambled to make ourselves presentable. Stepping out of the house, we found Jasper already waiting in the car.

"Did he say where we were meeting him?" Amy inquired.

"No, and you know me, I forgot to ask." I was actually so surprised by the invitation because that was a part of his life I didn't think I'd get to see quite so soon. My mind had just gone blank. The fear of being found out by the paparazzi was always in the back of our minds. It was taken into consideration in everything we did.

Jasper drove us to the filming location in the hills. They were using a gorgeous house which had a drop-dead amazing view of the city.

There were a few trailers parked on the road, one apparently being Edward's. Jasper led us to the right one and opened the door after knocking and hearing Edward grant him entrance. Inside it was very nice and cozy. All the amenities of a hotel room, plus a kitchen.

Edward was on the phone on the bed at the back of the trailer when we entered and motioned for us to sit. The instant I locked eyes with his, my heart stuttered and accelerated into a rhythm reserved for him only. He was, without a doubt, the epitome of sexy - definitely my "ON" button. It was the spark in his green eyes, which darkened as I came into his line of sight. That look alone could totally undo my composure. The only thing stopping that from happening on this particular day was the presence of Amy.

I took a deep, shaky breath and continued to enter his field of vision, closer to the object of my desires. Damn, I was so incredibly close to leaping onto where he was perched. Much to my delight, he was also finding it difficult to complete a serious sentence in his phone conversation. His mouth turned up at one corner, almost a secret message to me, signaling his comprehension of my reaction to him. His brow raised up; my want instantly ignited. I had to cough to restore my sense of decency.

I needed to look away to quell the desire in me, so I turned my attention to inspect the interior of the trailer. The windows were covered up, of course, but the lighting and a huge skylight made it surprisingly bright for such a small space.

Edward quickly finished his call and greeted Amy with a warm hug and kiss on her cheek. I couldn't help but think they looked more suited for one another.

Then he sat beside me on a small loveseat, squeezing in and maneuvering me half onto his lap. He wrapped his hands around my face and kissed me. I think I began to blush.

Amy giggled quietly at me.

"I've ordered some food which will arrive shortly. I hope you're famished. Turns out I have more time off than I expected because they got behind on some other stuff. Which means you can hang out here and I can show you around and let you meet some of the people I work with." He sounded pleased about this development but I instantly became nervous. I could see Amy was excited but she also noted the panic that painted my features.

"Mom's looking a little pallid, Edward. I think she should rest after dinner. Maybe you should save her tour for another day. I'd love to go though!" Amy had saved me. My daughter was the most intuitive young woman I'd ever met. I was so proud of her.

Edward took a long look at me and agreed. He kissed the top of my head, then bent down to my ear and whispered, "You've gotten out of it this time, but you're not escaping it forever, you know." He finished with a peck on my cheek.

There was a knock on the door and Edward got up to answer it. It was the food delivery guy. Amy and I got the dishes and cutlery, while he un-bagged all the containers. It was really good Chinese food – Cantonese chow mein, honey-garlic spare ribs, and my favourite, chicken fried rice. And he did not forget Amy's favourite, egg rolls.

The conversation was sporadic but interesting during dinner and I was glad that Amy got on so well with Edward.

He was so easy to love.

I was relieved that Amy had noticed my apprehension and gotten me out of the tour. I was also extremely tired from our busy day and was relieved to be able to have a sleep. Surprisingly, the bed in the trailer was incredibly comfortable, with the finest bedding. As I slipped under the duvet, I found his sweater. I had to bring it up to my nose to breathe in his scent. I hugged it as I slept.

I awoke to quiet talking in the living/dining area. Amy was asking Edward a ton of questions about all aspects of his career and the actors he'd worked with. He was patiently answering every one and even gave her all the dirt he knew of some of the most famous ones. She was enthralled and didn't notice at first when I entered their quiet huddle. I gave a little fake cough as I walked through the brief entrance to the sitting area.

"Oh, hey Mom! You missed meeting George Clooney! He just walked in off the street. It was amazing!" She showed me pictures on her digital camera.

"No way – really? Just my luck. Old fogie had to have a nap…" I was instantly bummed out.

Edward held out his hand, which I took, and he pulled me to his side. I was surprised that I felt a pang of jealousy with what they'd experienced together. I tried to squash that feeling in a hurry, happy that Amy was having fun. After all, I wasn't an extrovert like she was and the difference between us would have been painfully obvious to everyone.

I caught Edward glancing in my direction as she was regaling me with details. He softly kissed the knuckles on my hand.

Soon after, it was time for him to be on the set as someone called him. And that minute came way too soon for me.

Amy hugged him good-bye and left the trailer first.

Edward slid his arms around my waist tightly and smiled. He then gave me a sweet languid kiss, his tongue sweeping across my lips before meeting mine. He was as obviously tortured as I to cease the union, evidenced by the gasping of his breath while he tightened his vice-grip like hold around my waist. The kiss, which held promise of further delights, was arguably and necessarily all too brief. How did he expect me to be able to leave him after that?

"Why did you do that? I want you so badly." He kissed me again and my legs felt a bit unsteady. I suddenly felt nauseous. Where was that bathroom? He was right there with me, holding me up and pulling my hair away from my face. It made my heart sing, despite the agony my body was undergoing, knowing he loved me that much. There was nothing in his actions that spoke repulsion, just caring and love. If he did little else in our relationship, such as buy me flowers and chocolates, to show his affection for me, this would suffice to convince me of the depth of his love.

"Wow, I didn't know my kissing was getting that bad. I guess I need to practice that more," he teased, trying to lighten the mood.

"You mean… we…we need to practice more," I corrected him. I wanted to pull him to me but it wasn't the best time. "Do you have an extra toothbrush here?" After I was done, though…there wasn't a damned thing stopping me from fisting his T-shirt and yanking him close to me, our lips crashing together in a solid, fervent kiss.

I groaned as reality dawned. I released my hold on Edward and pried our lips apart as we both communicated our painful separation through our locked eyes. I turned quickly away from him, knowing I had to leave. Amy was waiting for me just outside of that aluminum door. I stepped outside, flushed I'm sure, and a tiny bit wobbly in the knees. I felt my smile erupting, unable to contain my glee, as I met Amy's stare.

"Mom, what took you so long?" Amy wondered, tongue-in-cheek, knowing perfectly well what delayed me. I began blushing again.

"Your mom got sick again, Amy. Keep an eye on her for me, please. Call if you need me," he instructed, concern etched in his voice.

I shrugged and laughed trying in vain to dismiss their worries.

We walked arm in arm to the waiting car. I purposely did my utmost to distract Amy by chatting about anything I could think off the top of my head – the weather, the colour of the sky, the tunes on the radio.

The timing was perfect as we arrived home to see the sunset. We walked along the beach a little way, away from the bad memories.

Back home, we decided to watch a movie on the mammoth screen in the great room. We turned on the fireplace as it began to get a little chilly. After scrolling through the massive lists of movies, we settled on a new classic, "Mama Mia". We sang along to the songs together and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. We both went to bed at the same time and were looking forward to our shopping date the following day.

I vaguely remember Edward returning during the early hours of the morning. He hardly made a sound. He put his arm around me when he slid into bed though, which was comforting. I moved to get closer and quickly fell asleep again.

When I woke up, I was surprised to see him still home, asleep beside me. I started peppering him with soft kisses. I knew he needed his rest but I just couldn't help myself. He didn't seem too mad as he groggily returned my kisses, and it didn't take long for all of him to be fully alert. We gravitated from kissing madly to making love.

It felt as if I could breathe again; something vital to my being.

"How do you feel?" he inquired immediately after. Me, having forgotten that I could feel anything but ecstatic in the moment, hummed my blissfulness.

"I'm fan-tas-tic," I purred into his ear. Then I kissed it, continuing down to his neck. He embraced me, tight, for a long time.

"I don't have to be on set until noon today. Do you mind if I just sleep for a while longer?" He was kissing me again on my neck and shoulders.

"Mmmm…sleep? You sure?" My stomach was fluttering deep in my core, aching for more of him.

And then the nausea hit again, but not enough to ruin this moment, passing as quickly as it appeared. He never even noticed my distraction.

"Sweetie, you aren't ready for that much strenuous activity yet. Remember, you have to take it easy still." He was admonishing me, while tracing patterns on my arm. I took a deep sigh and backed down, kissing his cheek as I got out of bed.

Amy was up when I finally got dressed and went to get breakfast. She said she'd been down on the beach, collecting shells already. She must have heard us talking and wanted to give us total privacy.

I told her about Edward's schedule and we agreed to go shopping right after he left for the studio.

I offered her some granola, the homemade kind she loved, and orange juice. I then put coffee on for myself. I wasn't too hungry but forced myself to eat half a banana. When the coffee was finally done, something about the smell was off to my senses, so I skipped it.

I put it into a thermal carafe and left a note for Edward to have some.

We were going to walk along the beach again. It was a breezy, sunny day - the perfect California weather.

Amy was catching me up on her studies and the lives of her friends. I told her that the next time she visited she should bring a few of her friends, but only after our big reveal.

I wasn't sure when that was going to happen, though. I didn't even know if we'd have control over it. If I had my way, it would be a really long time before we announced anything. The thought of laying our lives open to public scrutiny was terrifying to me. I was sure they would tear me to shreds.

As we turned around to go back, I saw Edward walking toward us holding his coffee mug. He was wearing tan khaki shorts and a light blue v-neck t-shirt. He came to say good-bye and gave me a kiss. We walked back together, our arms linked. I turned to him, tossing him a smile, while leaning my head on his shoulder.

I told him of our shopping plans and he was thrilled. He told Amy to make sure I bought some evening appropriate type clothing, not just sweats to wear at home. She promised to help me to purchase at least one dress. Trying on dresses was something I despised. It wasn't fun when everything always looked so bad on me. It never failed to depress me.

I walked him to the new car - a sleek, silver Porsche – which the studio had loaned him. I asked him when he was going to take me for a spin. He laughed and replied, "Soon. Sorry, love, I really need to get to the lot now. I love you. Don't forget…" He gave me a subtle wink, his look intense, a promise of forever.

He peeled out onto the highway, waving his arm out through the sunroof.

I sighed. He was a gorgeous man in a gorgeous vehicle. I was lost in thoughts of him before Amy jarred me loose.

"Okay, mom, are you ready for our date?" Amy was beside herself with anticipation. Jasper was going to be driving us to the stores that Edward's friend had suggested.

It was exhausting looking through racks and racks of clothing. Jeans, shirts, skirts, pants, coats, dresses… on and on it went. Amy made me purchase at least one of everything. And if something was especially great, I bought three, just so I wouldn't have to go on another shopping expedition for a while. I tried to keep to the low to mid-price levels, which wasn't so easy considering it was L.A. I didn't want to take advantage of Edward's hard-earned money.

I realized that I must have lost some weight as I tried on all different outfits. I wore sweats most of the time at home, so it was hard to tell.

I surprised myself when I found a really cute dress right off the bat and it actually looked nice on me. It was a flirty crisp summer-white cotton knee-length dress, with a rosebud vine pattern, wrap-around, with cap sleeves. I had expected finding a dress would be the most difficult part of the day. Next I had to find the right shoes to go with it. The shoe store we were taken to was incredible. They had thousands of different types of shoes, everything you could imagine and then some. After trying on at least ten pairs, I settled on an appropriate white strappy pump and Amy found a few cute pairs of flats for herself, along with a baby blue summer type purse.

Amy thought it was time for me to get a new purse as well, since mine was clearly meant for the northern climate. She picked one out for me –a tangerine leather messenger bag style, which I loved and told me not to look at the price. 'Uh oh,' I thought in the back of my mind, but I was in such a good mood, that I didn't even take peek at the tag. That was a feat for me, as I was so accustomed to watching every penny, the "penny wise" ethic so deeply ingrained in me.

When we were finally done shopping, it was past normal dinner time. I asked Jasper to take us to the Mexican restaurant that Edward and I had been to previously.

It wasn't too far from the last store we visited, which was good because we were starving. I guess we'd forgotten to eat lunch in our busy-ness. Amy was still excited after our outing and talked non-stop during our meal. I was feeling tired, so I was all too happy to let her have the floor.

I noticed a few young men looking in her direction, whispering to each other. They were noticing my beautiful daughter, all the more lovely in her animated state. It made me smile, I was so proud of her. I didn't know if I wanted them to approach her, but it was nice to see their interest.

I wasn't able to finish my meal, so I had it doggie-bagged to take home. Maybe Edward would be hungry when he returned. If not, I could have it the next day for lunch.

I was so glad to go home, being tired - but excited - about all of our purchases. I couldn't wait to show them all to Edward.

I had even bought him something. Something I thought he would get a charge out of. Amy was the instigator on that purchase, much to my chagrin. She was just so overjoyed to see me happy at last.

We started another movie but I fell asleep on the sofa mid-way through. I woke up to the sound of keys opening the door - Edward was home. I realized that Amy had covered me with the throw blanket. The TV was turned off and she had gone to bed. I looked at the clock on the wall; it was 3:04 a.m.

I knew he must be dead beat. I sat up so he could see me and he came to sit at my feet, lifting them onto his lap. He leaned back and put his feet up on the coffee table, thoroughly spent. He told me a bit about his day and then he ran out of energy. We went to our room and I helped him get undressed as he laid on the bed.

"My poor baby, get some rest." I covered him with the duvet and kissed him good night. As soon as I was changed and rolled into bed, he turned to hug me and promptly fell asleep, his light breath on my neck.

My last thoughts were praying that I would be enough for him for the rest of my life. I couldn't imagine being with anyone else.

Happiness overtook my emotions and I fell asleep again, content.

I got up early but didn't wake Edward this time. He had been so tired the night before and it would have been pushing him too far. I tip-toed out of the room, grabbing my housecoat from the bathroom door hook.

Amy was, of course, already awake. She had been shell hunting and was eating breakfast on the deck. I joined her, bringing the newspaper and a magazine to read. We were serenely enjoying each other's company during the stillness of the morning when I suddenly felt a pang in my stomach again. I groaned.

Would it pass? I clutched my middle to hold it in, against all hope. Amy followed me to the bathroom and held me. She also kept my hair pulled back behind my shoulders. I apologized wondering why this bug wasn't out of my system yet.

"How long have you been feeling like this, Mom?" She looked concerned now. I told her I'd been to the doctor and had told him about it. They'd done blood tests, but sometimes these things couldn't be diagnosed. I reassured her that it would pass.

"I think you should go see the doctor again, Mom. I'll come with you." She was insistent and so I called and made an appointment. I then called Jasper to arrange for him to pick us up in time, within the hour.

I couldn't get over how fast the doctors in California responded to their patients. I guess it was because they were getting paid directly by the patient, not through an insurance plan and the patient load wasn't as heavy. It was probably time for him to see me about my back anyway, and I could kill two birds with one stone.

The doctor was glad I came when I did. He said he was about to call me to make an appointment.

I'm not sure how I was able to walk out of that clinic on my own volition.

I didn't even remember the drive home. Amy was leading me all the way, as she could see that I was in no shape to do it myself.

I couldn't talk coherently either so, except for a few random comments about the scenery, and the dated magazines at the doctor's office. It was a quiet ride.

I tried to snap out of it as we pulled into our drive and thanked Jasper for his time.

When we walked into the house, it all seemed different to me.

So much had happened here. Good. Bad. Great. Life changing.

Amy turned on the TV in an attempt to distract me and bring me back to normal.

What the heck was normal now? What was I going to do? I was starting to panic. My breathing became loud and irregular. My heart felt like it was going to jump out of my throat.

Amy came and told me to put my head between my legs as far as possible. She also went to search for a paper bag to stop me from hyper-ventilating. She came back with one and made me breathe into it repeatedly.

And then we realized that Edward was still home. He was standing on the landing, taking in the scene before his eyes in the living area. He looked confused and ran over to me.

Amy excused herself, saying she was going for a walk. She asked that we call her when we were ready for her to return. Edward was even more confused and frowned, looking between Amy and me for answers. I didn't feel ready to say anything but I knew I had to in order to ease his distress.

"I went to the doctor. Amy thought I should because I was still feeling sick to my stomach, throwing up in front of her and all. The doctor said that he was about to call me anyway, having the results of the blood tests…"

I started hyper-ventilating again and stuck the paper bag back over my face.

"What is it? What's wrong? What did he say? Please tell me now, before I go insane," he pleaded with me, rubbing my back.

It took me a while to pull myself back together again.

"A baby…Edward, we're going to have a baby…" I looked at him, fear in my eyes.

"What?" It was the only word he could muster up. There wasn't any definable expression on his face at first.

Would he bolt out through the door? Send me back home with Amy? I probably held my breath longer than I ever had waiting for something more to come out of his mouth.

It took what felt like an eternity for it to register on his face. It was a myriad of expressions, none of which lingered for longer than a few seconds, but impacted my heart profoundly with every change.

~O~O~O~O~

**A/N: (I know – two in one chapter! Lol) Pregnant? Wow?**

**p.s. check out my One-Shot – **_**When It Rains, It Pours**_**… such fun!**

**I have to rec a wonderful, albeit High Angst fic, it's called **_**'Disjointed'**_** by Marie and Simone. Such amazing writing. I have also done an interview with them recently, so please check my profile page for the link to the story under "Favorite Stories" and my Twi-Crazi blog.**

**Oh yeah…The Drill!**

**Please and Thank You. **


	27. AWhat?

_**Disclaimer: It's Steph's, this whole world of Twilight, I know…I know.**_

_**Thank again so much to RandomCran for her amazing Beta skills, and sound advice. And a special thanks to my pre-reader _Dazzled10_ - as always, you are my rock.**_

**EPOV**

_xxxxxxxxxxxxxO…._

_Baby?_

_Holy mother of God…_

_BABY?_

_BABY!_

Couldn't wrap my head around that word…

The look on Tracy's face. She was scared shitless. What is she scared about? I didn't want her to be scared. I'll take care of her.

And the baby.

W.O.W.

I covered her with kisses. She deserved so much more.

Holy crap!

Baby!

I couldn't even string a sentence together in my head, never mind trying to speak. All I wanted to do was kiss Tracy. Kiss her until she didn't look so scared anymore.

This was the absolute furthest thing from my mind. I wasn't sure why though. Now that I thought about it, we hadn't been all that vigilant about birth control since we… since… whoa-not sure how long.

There were so many other things to think about. Her surgery. Her fragility.

Oh. She's not fully healed yet. How will that affect her? And the baby?

Oh man…I just wanted to kiss her… to protect her… to protect the… the… BABY!

Holy Fuck!

She had to know it was OK with me. It was really, really OK with me.

It was fucking fantastic!

My brain was going crazy…

She still looked frightened.

What? Wait…what?

Her words were loud, but I couldn't decipher their meaning. Dangerous?

Dangerous for who? Tracy? The baby?

Holy shit!

Really?

I didn't know one damn thing about pregnancy or women or anything.

Of course, I wouldn't want anything to happen to either of them. But I couldn't choose one life over the other. How could I?

I just knew I would have to make sure I did everything humanly possible to make things as safe as possible for them. It was my responsibility.

I was going to be a father.

Holy crap!

A father! Dad! Me!

I had no reservations about Tracy and me. None. She was the one. She was my life. She was my everything.

But with this news she was that much more fabulous. There was something, no _someone_, growing inside of her.

Someone that was a part of me and a part of her. How fantastic was that?

Fan-fucking-tastic!

Wait. Was she seriously considering? No…no…no!

I couldn't say the words aloud, but I knew it was her decision.

Oh man, my heart was breaking. I could feel myself begin the downward spiral into despair.

_No, no, no…she can't…please, God, no…_

_**S**_**orry, sorry…sorry…it had to be short. Edward was in no shape to continue…**

**The Drill.**

**You know what I'm talking about. Please…please…please review! **

**The next chapter will be posted in a few days, promise!**

**Thanks for reading. ~Kris.**

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	28. A Baby?

**Disclaimer: Steph would never do what I'm doing to her beloved Edward. I would apologize to her, if I could. **

**As promised, a few days after the last short chapter. Yay me! Yay for my beta RandomCran (prev. AquariumJenn) and my prereader _Dazzled10_ , you both rock!**

**~x~x~**

"Baby?"

Ok, one more word. That was progress, I guess. Edward suddenly took my face in his hands and began kissing me over and over. I wasn't sure what I thought about his reaction. It scared me a lot. It made me happy a lot. Mostly, I guess it was a relief.

We had never discussed anything of our future yet, so having a baby was definitely something that would bond us, for the rest of our lives. Our relationship was just beginning, but having gone through what we had felt like a lifetime together already.

"Are you serious? Look at me. Do you know what this means? Because I haven't a clue." I was holding his face, searching for some clue, a hint of how I was supposed to react. I was totally numb.

"A baby…" Two words, we were really making headway. I wanted to see if I could get him up to three.

"I need a little more from you, Edward. I need you to help me deal." I was holding his face in my hands, trying to get through to him on some sane level. He was smiling. His eyes were open and looking at me, I think. He might have been staring through me though, I'm not sure if he was focusing.

There was no more response from him. I think he was in shock or catatonic or something like that. Maybe if I spoke, he would snap out of it.

"Edward, before you get really enthused and all, I need you to know the risks of pregnancy for me. I don't mean I am pro-choice or abortion, it's just that considering my age…"

That did it for him.

He blinked a few times and really looked at me. I got a lump in my throat.

"I know. I know exactly what you're thinking and I'm devastated to be thinking it too. I would never, ever consider it if…" I couldn't finish that sentence. It was too painful to be saying it aloud. "Help me, please," I continued, begging him.

I grabbed his hands and, covering his with mine, I pulled them up to my cheek. The look on his face was more than I could bear. I began crying, not able to speak any more. He released his hands from mine and put them around me, bringing me close to him.

"Ssshh…ssshhh…it'll be alright. We'll figure this out together. Just give us some time to think. You know my gut reaction - I'm ecstatic. But I would never risk your life. Let's let the shock wear off and then discuss everything rationally. We should probably make another appointment with the doctor."

Edward tried to reassure me, but I wasn't so much reassured as petrified. He'd used the word 'ecstatic' and that floored me, instantly.

How would I ever even consider to eliminate something he wanted so badly? My fate was sealed. Live or die. I had to have it, this baby - for him. They both could possibly outlive me, either way. I had to give them each other. With that realization, there was no amount of debate that was going to change my mind.

XxXx

It took Edward a few hours after the big news to pull it together enough to go back to work. He had a night shoot scheduled and really couldn't decide what he should do. He was conflicted, but I encouraged him to continue on as normal.

I didn't know how he was going to handle having to think about it while trying to remember his lines at the same time. He seemed intent to try after my insistence. I think he wanted to cling onto something familiar for distraction, for himself as well as for me.

He kissed me softly, not wanting to release me, before he left.

Amy came back just as he was leaving. I wasn't sure I wanted to discuss this with her, although she knew the situation. She didn't press the issue and just stayed with me, ready to talk if I wanted. Or not, if that was what I wanted.

I really wanted to just think by myself, so I admitted exhaustion and went to my bed for a nap.

Sleep evaded me though, my mind racing through all different kinds of scenarios. I didn't know how I was going to do this and live. And if I was scared of dying, how would I be a good mother and give this baby a happy start to life? I knew full well that even before birth everything affected the baby.

Mentally exhausted, the stress of the day finally took its toll. After tossing and turning for a while, I eventually succumbed to unconsciousness.

Amy woke me up for a very late dinner which she had prepared. I struggled to shake off the fog in my brain. I didn't want to disappoint her, but it was hard to get out of bed. I was fighting with a heaviness that was enveloping me, ever so slowly.

"Mom, you need to eat. Please come. You have another reason to look after yourself now," she cooed, her words trying to help my mood. Unfortunately, it only added to the heaviness. But I did force myself, if only for her. I'd always tried to show Amy that nothing life threw at me could keep me down for long, and didn't want to stop that now. It was one of those life lessons I wanted to instill in her from early on, to enable her to deal with the stressors in her life.

Did she really need to know how close to the edge I was?

"I'm really not especially hungry right now, but I'll eat a little bit," I reluctantly acquiesced. I knew she'd understand if I wasn't too successful at finishing everything placed in front of me.

"Okay, that's all I'm asking you to do. You're in shock, Mom. Just know that in a short while it'll get better," she wisely reminded me.

How did she get so smart, so young?

And what about this little one, I wondered, as my hand instinctively touched the abdomen that was showing no visible signs of the impending expansion.

A baby?

It was all too much to think about, I'd have to try and distract my thoughts for a while, to keep from hyperventilating - again.

Edward came home before we could make it to bed, earlier than we'd expected. He looked distracted. He couldn't think or talk straight, as he flitted from the kitchen to the living room to the bedroom and around and around again.

"Sweetheart, please sit down. Amy will fix you a plate of food. Come and sit by me. You look kind of crazed right now." I tried to encourage him to calm down and relax.

I turned the TV on and we pretended to watch some humorous sitcoms. I'm pretty sure we laughed at all the inappropriate spots, as evidenced by Amy's look of confusion.

Too soon, she excused herself and went to her bedroom, claiming she was going on the Internet to chat with her friends. She was desperate to escape the thick cloud of fear surrounding us.

Edward finally couldn't hold himself upright anymore and laid down placing his head on my lap, my legs on either side of his body. He held onto my legs as if they were life preservers.

I played with his pre-messed hair without realizing it. Then I kissed the top of his head and rested my cheek against it, not wanting to release my contact. In my desperate thoughts, I was trying in vain to make time reverse itself so that we could resume our 'once upon a time'.

My hands moved to his face, then his neck and shoulders. I rubbed them lightly. He felt so tense.

It had become very late as we sat, frozen in a state of embrace. He still hadn't said anything coherent since coming home.

"Talk to me. Tell me what happened on the set. You came home too soon. Were you feeling ill?" I knew it was a stupid question, but I just wanted to pry something out of him.

He reluctantly rose from his obviously comfortable position with a groan and faced me. His facial expression was drawn and anguished.

"I was no good on the set. I couldn't concentrate on anything. All they could do was get shots of me not talking. And then some fucking – sorry - magazine came to do some photos for an article. I'm not sure if they got what they wanted. I just wanted to be here with you."

He had let his eyes drop down half-way and was holding one of my hands in both of his, tracing circles with his thumb on the back of it. He slowly brought it up to his lips and kissed it.

I was speechless. I slid closer to him. I pulled his chin up so I could gaze into his eyes. Once my eyes locked with his, I slowly brought our lips together. Our eyes never closed on each other, accentuating each short kiss fraught with desperation. The short kisses eventually escalated to one extended deep one, the connection akin to trying to save each other's lives, our desperate breaths accentuating that fact. His hands roamed my body trying to completely capture all of me in concert with his lips, his intake of breath, until he calmed himself and painfully released his hold.

Our gaze lingered and we sat still, words were unnecessary. Feeling the tension beginning to mount again, I broke eye contact briefly to release the chokehold that had formed between us.

"Let's not talk about it tonight - it's too late for that. Put it on a shelf and let's get some sleep. The whole thing will seem easier to deal with when we've had a little bit of rest."

I pulled him up and led him to the bedroom. He was dragging his feet which made it more difficult to move him - not impossible though. He sat on his side of the bed, not undressing, deep in thought. It wasn't until I suggested that he take his clothes off, that he considered doing so.

I asked him if he wanted to have a shower. He nodded expressionless. I helped him as he seemed incapable of managing it on his own.

After I assisted him with the process of drying himself with the pale blue bath towel, I tucked him into our bed. I think I surprised him as I jumped over him to get to my side. But while I was still somewhat in mid-air, he suddenly grabbed me. He rolled both of us over and began to kiss me with renewed passion.

My body always seemed to respond to his no matter what the circumstance. It was intense, but he was being careful. He began to softly whimper after letting me go.

"Ok, that's it…we need to talk about it now, I guess. I can't let you go another minute feeling this way. I am having this baby. We'll keep positive thoughts and we will get through this together. Nod your head if you agree." I smiled at his apologetic face.

He shook his head slowly.

"I can't ask you to sacrifice yourself like that, Tracy. Do not let me be the reason you risk your life. I couldn't live with that either."

Without warning his body was wracked with heavy sobbing, as if a dam had collapsed in his heart.

He embraced me again, tightly, burying his face in my hair. I could feel his body shaking. I had to keep calm for his sake – and mine. I took a deep cleansing breath and tried to reason with him, even though it was not altogether a cake-walk for me.

"No. I've thought about it and I need to do this. Yes, for you and for the baby. Our baby. You'll have her long after I'm gone to remind you of me…of our little family. Whether I die sooner, or later, you'll need to have her to lean on. Or him." Those words suddenly hit me, the image of possibly a little Edward to love and fuss over. There was no turning back for me now.

"No, I can't let you…" With the lack of air in his exhausted lungs, he was having difficulty getting his words.

"Don't you see? She's a blessing to you. I know I'm making sense. Just think about it. Please."

Edward's hold on me tightened and he refused to talk any longer. I relinquished myself to him, knowing where his thoughts were. I'd give him time. I knew in my heart that this was the right decision. As long as I was able, I was going to have this baby.

xOxOx

I was going to have a baby!

I had absolutely loved being pregnant with Amy, when I was much younger, so why not again? I had to remain positive for everyone's sake.

The next morning I awoke and a dawning realization of events which changed our lives again invaded my thoughts.

Poor Edward must have been reeling.

In just a matter of months not only did he have to deal with me messing with his head, the attack on me, my long recuperation, my relapse, but also the pregnancy.

It was the biggest punch to his gut so far, I was sure.

I knew it was mind-blowing to me, and I sort of had a clue as to what to expect.

When Edward woke up, he put on a façade, pretending he was at peace and happy. I could still sense apprehension and fear in him, though. He couldn't hide it from me.

We all had breakfast together at the kitchen breakfast bar and Edward made the coffee. The smell really repulsed me, so I didn't partake. I was going to miss that so much. I drank freshly squeezed orange juice instead.

Amy said she was going to meet up with a friend who was visiting L.A.. She went off to get ready and Edward asked Jasper to drop her off. Her friend would be able to bring her back later.

Edward was being quiet after our breakfast. I didn't want to push him, so I slipped away to prepare for the day ahead.

I showered and got dressed. I didn't know what I was going to do for the day, so I just put on forest-green capris and an off-white t-shirt with a matching blouse on top. Then I went to read on the deck.

It was a lovely, warm morning. I had forgotten my sunglasses in my purse and went back inside to get them.

That's when I caught him in his private moment of despair, his fists stomping on his pillow and a silent scream of frustration on his face. I was stunned. He saw me and that stopped him short.

"Oh my god, Edward…" I was rendered speechless.

Suddenly, my gut felt as though a thousand jagged pieces of glass were tearing into it. I crumbled to the floor, my head spinning like a top.

My brain froze and I couldn't think or feel or say anything.

And then…

Nothing.

NOTHING.

Murmurs. My hearing was returning, but I couldn't understand anything. The words made no sense to me.

BLACKNESS. My eyes were blind. Only one pinhole of white light at the bottom right corner.

I thought maybe I had died. But if I was thinking such a thing, could I really have been dead?

My gut felt empty. Where was the baby?

Then slowly my eyes saw whiteness instead of black.

The words I was hearing still made no sense.

I didn't know if I was still on the floor, lying down, or floating…

My senses were all jumbled up.

Was I alone? I must have been, even if only in my mind.

Time is passing. But how much time? Seconds? Minutes? Days? Weeks? Months? Years?

I was sure I'd gone insane.

?

After some more time had passed and when I was in a state of awareness, I could see shapes, though blurry, and more colours surrounding them. I could make out a few words being spoken, but didn't recognize who was speaking.

I felt as if I was possibly lying down on a bed, propped up somewhat. I could feel someone holding my hand. They started touching my cheek.

I tried to focus with my eyes, but it was too hard. I couldn't speak.

Why did this always happen to me? This made me incredibly angry and frustrated.

_Patience._ I got the message. I had to learn patience.

I wanted to respond to whoever was out there, to let them know I thought I was alive. I could hear. I had to hang on to what little shred of hope I could, or I might slip under again.

But why?

-x-x-x-

"Mom? Mom? Can you hear me?"

It was Amy! She was still here!

I opened my eyes and I saw her. Such a beautiful sight. Tears started escaping the corners of her eyes and mine too. She saw the question in mine.

"Mom, you had an ectopic pregnancy and nearly died. If they had done an ultrasound earlier, it would have picked it up. They got you into surgery just in time."

Oh no! My baby…I cried more.

Edward? His baby too. Where was he?

~X~O~X~O~X~

**A/N: Okay, I just can't help myself. Angsty is what I love to write, I guess…so don't hate me.**

**I want to encourage you to check out Sebastien Robichaud's newest fic, The Ice Queen and Mr. McCarty. It's a wonderful story, amazingly written, as only SR is able to do. Check my list of Fave's for the link. I realize he doesn't need my help, but he's been incredibly gracious to me and I adore him. **

**The Drill. Please...before I begin to cry. Too late *sobs***


	29. Why?

**Disclaimer: Twilight and all its characters are Stephenie Meyer's. Period.**

**Thank you again to my awesome beta, RandomCran, for her great work and advice. You put up with a lot from me, and it does not go unappreciated, hope you know. Thanks also to my pre-reader and confidante, _Dazzled10_ , you rock, babes!**

Muse's _Darkshines _is heavily on my mind as I write this chapter.

**EPOV**

+/+\+

SHIT.

Why did she have to walk in right at that particular moment?

She just had to witness my meltdown, didn't' she? The look on her face was fucking hard to take. I disappointed her.

It was just the utter and complete frustration at our situation. Why couldn't anything go smoothly and without drama? It wasn't her fault. I was angry at the powers that seemed to be having fun, playing yo-yo with our lives.

And then she suddenly collapsed. I tried to jump and catch her fall, but didn't make it. The sound of her last word, "Edward!" rang in my ears. The thud of her body hitting the hardwood floor made my insides go cold. Her body, splayed out, unconscious, looked unbelievably fragile.

I knelt by her head, lifting it gently onto my lap and stroked her cheek, calling her name. She did not respond. I could feel panic rising in my body. I couldn't think clearly. I didn't know what I should do first. Where was Amy?

"Amy! Amy!" I called out in utter desperation. I couldn't hear her respond. She must be out. Oh, yeah, she'd gone with some friend visiting from Toronto. Damn.

Where was my cell? I didn't want to leave Tracy alone on the floor, but I needed to get help. I reached over to the bed and grabbed one of the pillows to place under her flopping head.

_Oh God, this can't be good. Nobody stays unconscious this long without something serious going on. What now?_

I searched for my cell in the bedroom but it wasn't there. I ran to the kitchen, searched all the countertops, and even the drawers—nothing.

_Where the hell is it? _

I practically slipped onto my ass when I jumped from the kitchen down to the living room. I turned all the cushions upside down on the couch, before I finally found it tucked beside the cushion on the easy chair. My hands were shaking and I could not think clearly. What the hell was that emergency number?

9*1*1

Fuck. Couldn't believe I forgot that. I grabbed fistfuls of my hair, waiting for the operator to finish asking me the details. When would she stop and just send someone here?

"What is the nature of your emergency?"

"Um…my…um…my wife has…is…ah…unconscious…please, help," I stumbled for any useful words to come out of my mouth. The brain-mouth connection was in pieces. My wife? I couldn't think of anything more appropriate to identify her as. She was my wife, in my heart, already. Wait. Already? What did that mean? I didn't have time to dissect my thought processes, so I pushed it aside.

"Ok, sir. Your wife is unconscious. How long has she been unconscious?" She was taking her sweet fucking time asking these inane questions.

I closed my eyes in exasperation and began to walk back to the bedroom. "Yeah, about 5 minutes…please help…NOW! You're wasting fucking precious minutes with your stupid questions!" I lost it. I was now screaming at the phone, not caring if I was being rude or not. My mother would definitely give me hell for the way I was behaving.

"Sir, I understand. Please don't use profanities with me. Just calm down. Help is already on the way. I'm just going to fill them in as they are en route to your location." She remained extremely professional, but I'm sure I didn't make her day. I'd have to remember to make it up to her somehow and apologize.

"Thank you. I'm sorry. I'm just freaking out here. She's pregnant! Did I mention that already?"

"No, you did not. Thank you for the information. I'll pass that on to the paramedics who should be arriving in 2 minutes at your door. Is your door locked, sir?"

The door? I couldn't remember if I'd locked it or not. Probably did. Wait. Amy had been the last one to leave through the door.

"Yes, it's locked." I was still kneeling on the floor beside Tracy. She was still unconscious and her colour was not looking the greatest. What was happening? Where were the paramedics?

"Sir, could you please unlock the door. Are you able to do that?" she continued in her now annoyingly calm tone.

"Um…okay. Should I hang up and do that?" I don't think I could have decided to do much of anything at that moment on my own. Despite my annoyance with the dispatcher, I needed direction.

"No, sir. Please do not hang up the phone. Is it a cell phone that you're calling from? Just take it with you and then return to your wife ."

"Okay." I let out a breath simultaneously with my reply. I didn't want to leave Tracy alone again, but of course I had to. I bent down to kiss her forehead, vowing I'd return in a few seconds. I didn't know if she could hear me, but somehow it made me feel better to say the words to her. Damn. Her head felt cold. That symptom registered in the back of my brain as not being a good sign. I was in too much of a muddled state to actually complete that particular thought process.

As soon as I reached the door to unlock it, the emergency workers arrived. They asked me where the patient was and I pointed toward the bedroom. I almost forgot about the 911 operator still waiting for me to get back to her, so I put the phone to my ear and told her that they'd arrived. She sounded relieved and said that they'd be able to take over. Quickly walking to the kitchen, I asked for her name and wrote it down on the kitchen calendar which was hanging on the fridge. "_Sara_". Deep down, my mother's upbringing was nagging at me and I knew I'd have to atone for my behavior. I could hear the paramedics murmurs in the bedroom, and hesitantly made my way back in there.

The paramedics took over the space around Tracy, and I couldn't get close enough to touch her or whisper in her ear like I wanted to. I wanted her to know that she was going to be okay. I didn't know what was wrong, so I would have been lying to her. But I didn't want her to be frightened. I needed to protect her.

A female paramedic asked me a slew of questions about Tracy's medical history, which I was able to answer to a degree. I only really knew of the issues she'd had since we'd been together. I told them I'd contact her daughter to get more details. And yes, she was pregnant, I reiterated for them. How far along? I stopped in my tracks. How long? I had no clue. Fuck.

They looked at me like I was stupid. I was stupid. Why had I never even asked her that one question? I guess we were both just so stunned by the revelation of the pregnancy that it was a fact we never thought to discuss. But it wasn't insignificant. How old was our child? Any normal parent would know this. Shit.

It had been fifteen minutes and she still hadn't woken up. The anxiety was increasing in my body and I could sense that I would become totally useless in a short time.

I had to call Amy. As the call was ringing, I dreaded hearing her voice. It brought back just too many horrible memories of previous emergency calls - like when Tracy was attacked. I ran my hand through my hair in frustration and grabbed the back of my neck, waiting for her to answer.

_Come on! Answer!_ She didn't answer. I didn't know if I should leave a message, but decided to leave a short "_call me_". She would have a suspicion that something was up, as I hadn't called her since that last time.

The paramedics were now getting ready to place Tracy on a stretcher and transport her into the ambulance. I managed to hop into the back with her. I was terrified. I grabbed her hand and bent down to whisper into her ear. I tried to let her know that everything would be all right and that I wouldn't leave her. I kissed the back of her hand over and over.

I looked to the paramedic, a male this time, looking for reassurance. He did not convey any sort of emotion or message through his facial expression.

He was monitoring the machines hooked up to Tracy's arm and chest in silence. He did speak to the hospital nurse via the band radio in the truck. I could only gather that he was informing them of her vitals.

When he was done with that, he took pity on me. He looked at my questioning face, and spoke with a reassuring, professional tone. "Sir, they'll take good care of your wife at the hospital. They're the best in this part of the country." I hoped to God he was correct.

He told me we were going to Cedars Sinai in Los Angeles. I had heard of a lot of famous people being treated there on entertainment reports and such. The only concern I had was whether the place was being watched by paparazzi. It would suck royally if this were exposed publicly. I didn't want Tracy and her family to have to deal with all that shit.

The attendants were quickly in action as the vehicle came to a full stop outside the Emergency Room. A nurse was awaiting our arrival and directed the paramedics to transfer her to the assessment room without delay. There was also a resident on hand to immediately check Tracy out. They really didn't need me to answer any more questions as they had been briefed by the paramedics. All I could do was stand by and look bewildered. I had to be patient as they performed vitals tests and conferred with each other as to a course of treatment.

The next thing they scheduled was an ultrasound, due to the fact that she was pregnant.

Oh my God, every time I thought of the baby, my insides quaked. Her pregnancy had to be a major factor in all of this.

Just then my cell phone began to vibrate in my shirt pocket. I walked away from all the activity and out to the corridor to answer the call.

"Edward – what happened?" It was Amy, distress in her voice. Of course, she knew something was up.

"Your mom – she collapsed…we're at Cedars Sinai and they're examining her. Amy, she hasn't regained consciousness, and she's been out for half an hour, at least. I'm freaking out here…" My voice trailed off into a whisper.

"I'll be there as soon as I can. Jasper can bring me, ok?"

I nodded, losing my voice and energy. I was beginning my shut-down procedure, not being able to keep my shit together. I found the family lounge and told the nurse I'd be there if they needed me or whenever Tracy came back from the ultrasound. She was very kind and asked if she could get something to eat or drink for me. Eat? Drink?

"I don't know-I …I…don't know…" I sat down, pulled my legs up to my chest, grabbed my legs and put my head down on them. I couldn't even remember that last time I'd eaten. I didn't think I even could eat anything right now. My thoughts were not on myself. My life had been wheeled away, out of my sight.

It only took Amy and Jasper ten minutes to arrive at the hospital. They found me and told me they had talked to the nurse, who had filled them in on Tracy's condition.

"Is there anything new?" I was panicked, thinking the nurse had forgotten about me and not told me something important.

"No, Edward, nothing new. She's still at the ultrasound. Just relax. You're a mess, why don't you go to the washroom and throw some cold water on your face, or something." Amy was nothing, if not truthful. It was a tad irritating. But I complied.

When I returned there was a nurse talking to Amy. Amy's face looked worried. Oh no. Something was not right.

"Edward. The nurse says that they have to operate on Mom. It's the fetus. It's growing in the fallopian tube and it has burst due to the size. They have to remove it and repair the tube. It's kind of risky, Edward…" She was trying to be strong for all of us, I think, but I could tell she was scared.

"Oh…so…" I couldn't even say the word 'baby' anymore. There was no baby, anymore. This sounded dangerous. For Tracy.

Amy walked over and embraced me, which set both of us off. We sobbed into each other's shoulders. After a few minutes, she led me back to the chair and left me to absorb what was happening by myself. There was no adequate amount of comforting either of us could do for the other. We were both frightened. For Tracy.

I began to think about what Tracy's reaction would be when she woke up. She'd be shocked. That was most likely an understatement. She had told me a pregnancy would be iffy for her. Damn. She knew it, but I guess I didn't want to believe anything like this would happen.

The following hours were agonizingly long. I began to pace the corridors to expend nervous energy. When I got tired I sank into the chair, still as stone. I never thought I could stay in one place for so long. I eventually nodded off, not being able to keep my eyes open any longer.

My nightmare returned. This time, the escalators were just like the ones in the Paris airport, leading to the baggage carousels.

_There were four covered in one central area, and all were oddly perpendicular to each other, giving it a surreal effect. I could see her, in the 'down' escalator, across from my 'up' escalator. I called out to her, but she couldn't hear me because of the plexiglass coverings. I was beyond frustrated as I ran around that level until I found her escalator, but it was too late, I couldn't see her any more._

My breathing was ragged and then I awoke, still struggling with it.

Amy was beside me, her hand on my arm. I think she'd been attempting to wake me.

_What?_

"They're bringing Mom out from the operating room. We have to go up to the recovery room." She rose before giving me a chance to answer. She knew I'd be right behind her.

I ran my fingers through my tangled, unkempt hair, trying to make myself presentable. For Tracy.

The realization slammed into me as I walked morosely to her room – no more baby. Fuck.

By the time we reached the recovery room, the nurse was trying to wake Tracy up. She wasn't opening her eyes, but her head was moving a little bit.

**The Drill.**

**Thank you to all the new readers to my little fic. I'd love to know how you found it, please drop me a message. Thanks for reading. *smiles***


	30. Yet again?

**Disclaimer: Twilight and its characters are not mine. Never will be. There.**

**Thanks, as always, to my incredible beta, RandomCran – you are awesome! Have a great holiday!**

**My pre-reader, Dazzled10 is the best. She's my rock. I love you both so much.**

This chapter we find Tracy in hospital –yet again- and not dealing well at all.

**X*X*X**

"Edward is here. He's distraught and wracked with guilt, Mom. He feels responsible for everything. He's been beside himself with worry over you. If you hadn't pulled through, I think he might have died of grief, Mom."

More tears oozed from my eyes.

"I'll be right back," she said as she left.

Amy brought Edward to my bedside. I saw her leave and heard the door gently shut.

He had never looked so vulnerable and broken. He started sobbing as soon as he saw my face. He buried his head on my stomach. It hurt a little bit, but I didn't move him. I managed to lift my arm and caress his head. My tears flowed as intensely as his.

"I don't know what to say, Tracy. I'm sorry, so sorry…" He didn't look at me, just kept his face down on my stomach.

Somehow, my voice suddenly returned. I cleared my throat and whispered, "ssshhh….it wasn't anything you did, my sweetheart. I'm sorry that I couldn't have given you a baby. Our baby." Our sobbing became unified then. He lifted his head up to meet mine and kissed me tenderly.

"I don't know what I would have done if I'd lost you, too. It would have been a double tragedy." He kissed me again.

"Now do you finally see that you must leave me? I'm no good for you. What kind of life is this for a young man, with his whole future – and a brilliant one at that - in front of him? You cannot possibly believe that I am the right woman for you after all this." I was determined to set him free this time.

"Please leave and never come back to me again."

It had to be done. It was breaking my heart to see him hurting this way, time after time. I was poison to him. Edward stared at me for a long while, sadness overtook his features. He looked as if he was about to say something - his mouth opening, then closing, quite a few times. He winced, as if in pain and shook his head. His voice was low. "Tracy…don't…don't do this." He trailed off as he took a deep intake of air.

"Please… Edward. I can't do this." I looked away, and from the corner of my peripheral vision I saw his head slump downward along with his shoulders, as he turned away from me. Closing my eyes, I could hear him slowly leave the room.

When Amy returned, she had a look of incredulity on her face.

"Mom, what did you say to him? He looked totally devastated. You have crushed this beautiful man who loves you so intensely. I can't believe you would do that to him at a time like this." She was mad at me. I could not understand how she still could not see my point of view. How could she –not- see that I was ruining Edward's life. I was at a loss as to how make her understand.

"I don't care, Amy. It was for his own good. I am not good for him. Look at the disaster his life has become because of my involvement. He has experienced so much sorrow. I couldn't stand to see him suffer one iota more."

I began crying and I turned my face into my pillow. My abdomen was starting to ache. The nurse came in just then and adjusted the IV with pain reliever I was attached to. I thanked her.

Amy left and didn't say when she would return.

I wanted to leave the hospital room, but couldn't. Trapped. Again.

The next few days found me in various states of despair. Edward did not come back, that I knew anyway. I suppose he could have as I was awake off and on at random times throughout the day and night.

Time meant nothing to me. I was sinking into deep darkness. It was a familiar feeling. I somehow welcomed it. I wallowed in it. I needed it. I was so tired.

The doctor came to check on me every day and commented on my physical state and now on my mental state.

He thought I should talk to a specialist to help me deal with my loss. A psychiatrist, no doubt. I didn't want to talk to anyone about my loss. My loss was permanent and no amount of talking was going to make it any better.

I deserved to be miserable.

I was on a downward spiral. I didn't eat and I stopped conversing with everyone. The visits from the psychiatrist were pointless. He talked, I didn't listen.

I shut my ears off to the world. Everything was too painful.

Whenever I would think about Edward or the baby, a jolt of electricity would hit my core and the withering shriveled mass of muscle that was my heart. Deteriorating, second by second. I was just waiting to die. Why did I keep waking up? I couldn't hang on anymore. I didn't want to.

I slipped into unconsciousness. The blackness returned and I welcomed it. I knew where it would take me. No more pain.

+.+.+.+.

There was no more pain.

I was floating.

Up... up... to the light.

Finally. I was getting closer each second. All the memories were fading away. I just needed to reach the light. My baby would be there. She wouldn't be alone anymore.

_Mommy's almost there, precious little one._

"Mom! Mom?" Shouts were interrupting my journey.

It wasn't my baby, it was another familiar voice.

It was Amy. "Mom, don't…don't leave me…" She was crying and shouting.

I was so torn. My two babies…which one needed me more? Which way should I go?

Amy's cries were like an anchor on my heart, and I could not resist being pulled in by her.

But my unborn baby…I hadn't even seen her. I didn't know her face, her hands, or even her feet. I believed she'd be perfect, had she been born.

"Mom, stay with me, please…please…" Every word pulled me down farther, back to her.

Then I heard a familiar beeping sound.

Beep… beep… beep…and on it continued. It was attached to my body and I knew I was still alive. I felt a jolt to my heart and more beeping.

_I was back._

/*?*\

"Amy, I'm sorry." I couldn't say anything more to her. I was a horrible mother. I couldn't stay strong for her. How could I live with that? I closed my eyes.

The doctor came in and checked my chart. He didn't say too much. I heard him tell the nurse to increase my medication and to keep the IV flowing.

"I'm giving you some sedatives to reduce anxiety and depression, Tracy. Also you're on the IV drip because you wouldn't eat. Your heart stopped once and we had to shock it to get it started again. You'll be feeling nothing while the morphine allows your body to heal."

Crap. I'd rather be dead than know what my body and mind had been up to. I was tired. I guessed the drugs were kicking in.

I woke up again. I didn't know anything about time or day. There was nobody in my room, just a small table lamp in the opposite corner, by an easy chair. There were some flowers beside it. Pink gerberas. Must have been sent by Amy; they're her favourites. I didn't know what else I was looking for.

There was no TV in the room. No telephone. No way to get information.

A nurse came in after a long while to check my vitals. She didn't say anything even though she saw that I was awake.

"Can you tell me what time it is, please?" I quietly asked her.

"It's 7:35 a.m., dear. Can I get you some water?" She finally spoke. I nodded and she held a sippie cup to my lips. I was a bit tied down with tubes and wires to do it for myself.

She opened the curtains, then left. The sun was beginning to lighten the sky above. Flashes of a curtain, blown by a warm breeze with the sun's morning rays entering a room, a feeling of peace and contentment passed through my mind. I thought that should have been a memory, but I couldn't grasp it.

Nobody else came into my room until Amy arrived a while later. The breakfast tray, left untouched sat on the portable table to the side of the bed. She brought some more flowers with her. Pink roses this time. They were pretty. She put them on the table next to my bed.

Something gripped my insides. I felt pain. Wasn't I supposed to feel nothing? Tears started to escape my eyes. I didn't understand why.

"Oh, Mom. Don't cry. Don't get upset, you're not supposed to do that." She tried to console me and began patting my hair.

"I'm sorry, don't know why I am…they're so beautiful." I closed my eyes and was unsuccessful when I tried to stop the weeping.

Amy went to get the nurse, who came and gave me my medicine earlier than planned.

"What brought this on?" the nurse asked my daughter.

"I think the flowers." She nodded toward the roses beside me.

The nurse nodded in understanding and lifted the vase off the table.

"No! No! Please don't… Leave them there, please…please…" I couldn't think anymore, nor speak coherently. Apparently the drugs were fast. I fell asleep.

My dreams seemed so real now.

_I was walking on a beach. It was sunny. I was holding hands with someone. I couldn't turn my head to see who it was. But I was so happy being there. _

_There were pink roses everywhere. Their fragrance filled my mind. So beautiful. So happy. _

_Deeper, deeper into the water now. The waves were lapping at my legs. My hands were touching the surface, and then…I was yanked under. It was so fast that I couldn't have fought against it. It pulled me deeper into the water. _

_I wasn't breathing. I wasn't trying to. I was peacefully floating. I saw my baby floating there, too. I reached out to cradle her, but the undertow took her out of my reach. I tried to swim after her, but she disappeared too fast. _

_I felt okay because I knew I'd see her soon. She was waiting for me. I played along._

I woke up. Again.

My brain was trying to lift out of the fog, even though I was unwilling. I wanted to stay hidden inside my own mind. I could start to feel the pain creeping to the surface. I didn't want to deal with it. Why couldn't the nurse come now, to sedate me? Where was Amy?

The doctor came instead. Great. I didn't like him. Nothing personal, just what he said and didn't say to me, I guessed. He was extremely blunt, matter-of-fact. I also figured he had to be. He was a busy man, and didn't have time to get to know his patients on a personal basis. I'd forgive him. He assessed my physical status and made appropriate changes on my chart. He didn't talk to me at all, but consulted with the nurse about the changes.

Amy arrived soon after he left. She had more flowers in her arms. Daisies this time. I'd bet they're from my mom. I was right. And then my mom, her short stature appearing slumped and smaller than usual, arrived a few minutes later carrying a coffee – from Starbucks. Again, there was a strange tugging in my heart, which confused me. The distraction of their chattering quickly made it dissipate.

We had a nice calm visit. Mom did not say anything to upset me but her concern was painfully obvious. I couldn't help notice the shock of white hair peeking through at her roots; she hadn't coloured her hair in a while, something that was out of her norm.

I asked Amy if she wouldn't mind ordering a TV for me. It was boring as hell there and I needed a distraction. She said she'd take care of it on her way out.

My mom announced she was leaving and would wait for Amy in the car; she kissed me goodbye. Before Amy could leave, I wanted to ask her something.

"I know that you gave me the gerberas, Grandma gave me the daisies…who gave me the roses?" I asked innocently. She looked at me, not speaking for a while. It looked like she was trying to decide whether to tell me or not. "What? Amy, who was it?" I asked again, impatiently.

"Um, mom, it was Edward." She was braced for my reaction.

"Who?" I had no recollection of anyone by that name. A part of my brain wanted me to just drop it.

_Don't worry about it. Doesn't matter._

"You don't remember, I guess. Just a friend, Mom." She hesitated, her eyes wide with alarm.

"Oh, ok. Tell him thanks and sorry I don't remember him."

We said good-bye to each other and she said she'd be by again the next day. Good, I told her, I looked forward to her visits. I really did. They were what kept me tethered to the present, my sanity.

Their visit left me very sleepy. I succumbed.

I didn't know how long I had slept, but I woke up to the nurse in my room again. She was bringing the TV in. I was thankful. Finally, some distraction. Then a candy-striper came into my room with a vase of flowers. Pink roses.

It felt like there was a vice-grip on my stomach. I started crying, silently. The nurse noticed and passed a tissue to me. She looked at the roses and a look of acknowledgement passed across her face. The nurse gave me the medication without saying a word.

She then passed me the remote control; I turned it on. I started flipping through channels and finally settled on one. It didn't really matter what was on. I just numbed out and stared at the set.

A commercial was playing and something reached my subconscious, forcing me to focus on the screen. It was something familiar. A trailer for a movie. I couldn't grasp it all. That frustrated me. I was going to have to wait until it showed up again. Hopefully, later; I waited.

My brain was trying to be alert. I could feel the meds fighting with my brain cells. No! I wanted to stay awake.

Same dream again. What did it mean? Was it a memory? I think I remembered Amy saying that I had forgotten something. Was it connected?

As I slowly came out of my sleep, Amy was sitting in the easy chair in the corner, reading. Good. I needed to ask her stuff before I forgot.

"Hey, there. How are you?" I interrupted her reading, which startled her. She rose and moved closer to me.

"Hi, Mom. How are you feeling? You were asleep a long time. I've been here about two hours," she asked.

"Oh, sorry. I didn't want to go to sleep, but I couldn't help it - the medication." I motioned toward the IV drip.

"I wanted to ask you something about what you said before. The person that sent the roses. What was the name?"

**:: (*)::**

**A/N: Uh, yeah. I know it's all kinds of angsty. Deal with it. *laughs***

**Hang in there. I appreciate you reading thus far.**

**Leave me a little love?**

**The DRILL!**


	31. EPOV I'm an Asshole

_**Disclaimer: I do not own anything Twilight , other than the books and they're soft cover ones at that.**_

_**This bit covers a few chapters back…so bear with me…**_

_**Thank you, as always, to my Beta – RandomCran, who is awesome-er than the awesome-est. (obv she did 'not' see this part-Lol) and my pre-reader Dazzled 10 – you rock 'n' roll my world.**_

**EPOV**

I just couldn't fucking do it. I couldn't face Tracy. Again.

There she was in the hospital bed, hooked up to all kinds of wires and things beeping. It was just too much déjà vu for me.

I knew that they'd all hate me for not having the kohonas to face her, to console her, to help her.

They didn't understand how it felt like the walls had caved in around me and I was too weak to climb out by myself. I needed help.

It was all my fault. I was selfish. I wanted this baby. And I wanted Tracy, too. I was the most fucking selfish person alive.

I ran out of the hospital to my car. Nobody recognized me. That was the one speck of good luck in the shittiest day of my pathetic life.

When I got into the car, I locked the doors and blared the music. It didn't really register what was playing. I just needed it to be loud as hell.

SHIT!

I couldn't organize any of my scattered thoughts and it made me crazy. I started to drive the car out of the parking lot and out onto the road. I almost hit a pedestrian. Shit. I stopped, grabbed the steering wheel and let my head fall onto the steering wheel. Shit!

Some asshole started beeping his horn at me from behind. It startled me into an upright position and I gave him the finger and sped off, tires squealing.

It was a good thing the first light I approached at warp speed was green because I didn't really know if I would have stopped in my exasperated state. The highway was just past the next set of lights and I slammed my foot onto the accelerator with fury.

I didn't even bother looking at the gauge, but I was passing every single vehicle in my path. Where my path was leading to, I didn't know or care. I just needed to get as far from my pain as humanly possible.

After an hour of break-neck speed, I began to ease up on the pedal. I exited the highway, not knowing where the hell I was. As soon as I left the exit ramp, I saw a gas station and pulled into one of the filling bays. It took me countless minutes to release my hold on the steering wheel.

My eyes couldn't focus on anything like the instrument panel nor could I think coherently as to what I should do next.

It was late, so the place was pretty much deserted and nobody cared whether I sat there like an ass all night. Except maybe the attendant. He was busy reading as I looked into the window of the convenience store which shared the gas station's cashier. He kept glancing at me with a somewhat concerned expression.

It slowly dawned on me to fix my eyes on the fuel gauge. It was in the red. Fuck. I was undeservedly lucky that I hadn't run out of gas on the highway, in the middle of who the fuck knew where. Me? Lucky? That was the joke of the century.

FUCK.

I got out of the car and proceeded to fill the gas tank, then went to pay the attendant. He was not too astute and just processed the transaction without looking at the credit card name.

Hell, who cared?

I decided that I needed to get some coffee. Fortunately, there was a drive-thru beside the station. I ordered the biggest damn coffee I could and pulled the car into the parking space to settle myself down.

How had I gotten to this place?

How had Tracy gotten to where she was… in a hospital bed, once again? My heart scorched at the thought of what peril I had put her in. I was a fucking idiot.

The gloomy thoughts invading my head were overwhelming. I started to sob. Shit. I was a lame ass shit.

What the hell was I thinking? Not being with her was probably the most incredibly dumb-ass move of the millennia for anyone, dead or alive.

I downed the coffee as fast as I was physically capable and re-started the car to make the journey back to her.

Amy told me that her mother had not remembered me.

What?

I asked how could that be?

She didn't know.

She said she was sorry and it would probably reverse soon.

What?

Even though Tracy didn't remember me, I sent her pink roses every day. I hoped they would jog her memory.

I prayed. A lot.

Days went by and I didn't leave the hospital. I spent all day and all night in the chapel, praying. God would have to hear me because I wasn't going anywhere. He couldn't ignore me forever. I would keep praying until he answered my pleas.

My cell buzzed. I could see that it was Amy. My heart instantly jumped into my throat.

She said I could come to see her mother, finally. I replied that I would be there in a few minutes.

I ran to the washroom to freshen up. Shit. Why hadn't I gone to shower at least? But there was no time for that. This would be a pivotal meeting.

Or it would be the end of my life.

It was.

The fucking end of my existence.

../*\..

_**A/N: It's short, yes. Thanks for reading. ~K**_

_**I'm working on a one-shot for Fandom Sexual Assault Awareness, so please donate at http: / fandom4saa(dot)wordpress(dot)com / There are some seriously amazing authors donating their work, it's well worth your minimum donation of $5.**_

_**The Drill. Please… xo**_


	32. The Truth

_**Disclaimer: Ms. Stephenie Meyer owns everything related to Twilight. I only own the books.**_

_**Thanks to RandomCran for her much needed and talented beta skills. You go above and beyond and I do not take you for granted. **_

**~o~x~o~**

_Tracy's physical trauma has induced memory loss…_

**\_O_/**

Amy looked uncomfortable answering my question. "Edward…Cullen. He's… a friend. Why?"

"Well, some more roses arrived just before I fell asleep. Why is he sending so many?" Something was nagging at me, in the far recesses of my memory.

"I'm not sure, Mom." She was clearly uncomfortable as she was staring at the flowers. "Let's watch TV, ok?" She grabbed the remote and turned it on. Then she pulled the chair beside my bed so she could have a better view.

What was it she was avoiding? What was it she wouldn't tell me?

The TV was too distracting, I couldn't think. _Oh_, I remembered something. I asked her not to change the channel. There was something I was waiting to see before I had fallen asleep.

She asked me what it was, but I couldn't exactly recall. I just felt strongly about wanting to see it.

She was patient with me, and watched whatever was on the channel. Fortunately, it wasn't some war thing or a bio of a random uninteresting person.

During the commercials, Amy muted the TV and we talked about her day. She was going to school and things were going great. She really enjoyed her Prof's and subjects. University was turning out to be a fantastic experience.

Her boyfriend attended a different school, so they didn't get together often due to conflicting schedules. They were determined to not let that affect their relationship. They could still text and talk on the phone…and they did - a lot.

I told her about my recurring dream where I was walking on the beach, holding someone's hand and not finding the house. And then the darkness, which always felt so real.

Amy had a strange look on her face then. I paused, and my eyes drifted to the TV.

There it was!

I grabbed the remote and turned the volume on. Paralyzed, I couldn't process what I was seeing. It was a movie trailer, that same one from the night before.

Something was unraveling in my brain. I wasn't sure I wanted it to.

"No, no, no…" The memories suddenly were flooding back, and I started sobbing uncontrollably.

It scared Amy and she rang for the nurse immediately. She tried to calm me down by rubbing my back, as I was convulsing in grief.

The nurse came running in and gave me more medicine as soon as she saw the state of me.

"What happened?" She was inquiring of Amy, who told her that my repressed memories had been triggered by something on TV.

The nurse asked me to concentrate on her voice and look at her. She told me to start counting.

I was beginning to hyperventilate and breathing was becoming really difficult. I was in full panic mode.

The nurse kept yelling at me to look at her and breathe slowly, to count with her. She said it wasn't good for my heart to be doing this. She asked if I wanted another heart attack.

Another one? What? I was going to choke… I couldn't breathe…I fainted. That solved the problem.

+O+O+O+

Grogginess enveloped me the next time I woke up. I couldn't talk coherently at all. Why bother? Amy was still there, or had she gone and come back? I didn't know how long I'd been out.

The memories were there, but my emotions were muted by the medication.

Amy noticed I had woken up and came over to stand next to me and hold my hand. "Mom, I'm sorry you're so upset about it all, but I'm going to ask you to consider something. Please think about this calmly. I know that the medication is helping you to keep calm, which is why I'm asking this now. Edward wants to come to see you. He's a mess, Mom. He needs you."

"Do you really think he needs to see me like this? I'm a mess, too. He has to get over me. I don't want to pull him back in, Amy. Can't you see that everything about me is so wrong, especially wrong for him? He's young and can move on eventually." My tears were involuntarily escaping again.

"Don't you think that you can help each other? You two can survive this, but only if you're together, Mom. You have to stop hurting him. You're not helping him at all. Mom… he can't get over you because you are the one; the only one, for him."

I couldn't stop the tears from flowing out of me. Amy hugged me and told me she loved me, too. She didn't want me to die. She didn't want me to suffer the way I had been. She needed me too. It was killing her to watch me waste away in front of her eyes.

"I…don't know what to say, Amy. Such a huge part of me wants to protect him from the bad stuff. But I guess doing that has backfired on both of us. Oh, Amy, I've wrecked his life. How could I be such a monster? I must be totally insane. How could he want to be with someone like me? It makes no sense to me." I continued crying as I shook my head.

"Mom, he'll forgive anything. He absolutely loves you no matter what." She was stroking the hair away from my face and wiping my tears with her fingers.

"I don't trust my own mind any more. So if you truly think he can handle seeing me like this…then call him." I consented to his visit.

She was on her cell phone immediately. What was the rush? It was a short conversation. "She's agreed, Edward. Come now."

What? Right now? Where was he? Suddenly I felt a wave of panic shoot through my chest.

"Amy, where is he? When is he going to be here?" I could not hide the fear in my eyes.

"It's all right, Mom. He'll be here in a few minutes. Don't worry. It'll be all good." She brushed my hair and straightened out my pajamas and blanket before his arrival.

And then before I knew it, he was standing at my doorway. I couldn't look at him for long. I was starting to feel the pressure in my chest, like an electrical charge. I wasn't sure if that was good or if it was going to cause another heart attack.

He slowly walked toward me, to stand beside my bed. Amy pulled the easy chair closer to him, so that he could sit by me. She left us alone and closed the door.

I didn't know who was going to be the first one to say the first word.

There was a long stretch of silence before he put his hand on top of mine and spoke. "Hello, Tracy. I've missed you so much."

He gently lifted my hand up to his mouth and kissed it, his lips pressing, lingering. I detected a tear releasing from his right eye. Damn.

I didn't know what to say. I couldn't look at his face. I couldn't confront the pain I knew I'd see there. I was the cause of it all.

"Edward, I'm beside myself with guilt for what I've done to you. I'm so incredibly sorry. I tried to protect you, but all I ended up doing was hurt you so much more."

Then the tears began again. This was unbearable - and I was medicated. I tried to briefly imagine what I would have felt like without the drugs and that was painful as well.

"You just never really believed that I could love you the way I do, Tracy. But it's true. There is no one else for me. My heart is totally yours and will be for the rest of my life. You have to believe and accept that. Please stop hurting us. I am no good without you. It has been torture just not being here with you and having to hear about what you've been going through, physically and emotionally. It was like I was going through it too. I was going mad as well."

There was nothing I could say to that. I did love him. I loved him enough to let him go. But I still felt that letting him into my life was wrong in his case. How was I ever going to help him get over this?

All I could do was let the tears flow. Edward slowly leaned into me and kissed them away.

He kept his beautiful face close to mine, waiting for me to look into his lush green eyes.

His hand was now holding the side of my face, lifting it gently. I finally forced my eyes to look at his. They were the same as before, but sadder. His gaze was fixed; I couldn't look away.

My breathing was increasing, speeding up along with my pulse. He pressed his lips to mine, our eyes locked.

"Tracy, I only have one question. But first I want to preface it. I knew from the very first sight of you that I loved you. The more I got to know you, the –more- I loved you. You and I have been through hell and back. I want to be with you for the rest of our lives, through the good and the bad times." At this point my heart was racing, overwhelming my senses. I was terrified of what he would say next. And then he said it. "Please, Tracy, will you marry me?"

He pulled out a ring, ready to put it on my finger, his eyes tearing as he said those last words.

"Yes." What more did I need to say? I would love him for the rest of my life, short or long. He kissed me with tears, laughter and love in his touch.

oooooOooOooOOooOooOooooo

I had to stay in the hospital for one more week. My recuperation was coming along now that Edward was back in my life. I had a reason for living and getting better.

He, too, started to look better, less haggard. The incident had aged him, but it made him so much more handsome. My heart was bursting with joy whenever I saw him appear at my door. He could still make my heart race.

Edward did not leave my bedside except to bring me more flowers. I didn't object. It made him happy. I wanted to make him ecstatic. I would be aiming for that every day for the rest of my life.

The day of my release from the hospital finally arrived.

There were so many doctor's notes, referrals, exercise instructions; there were documents for everything I'd been through. Just seeing it all on paper, made me feel overwhelmed.

How had I survived all of that? I remembered not wanting to survive at all. Of course, now I was grateful that I lived to have Edward in my life again.

ooXoooxxoooXoo

Once I was released, the paparazzi were waiting for us at the exit from the hospital.

I walked with Edward this time. He wanted to tell the world that we were getting married. He was elated. I was scared. Not of him, but the world.

His publicist had given him the green light to spill the beans. And he was eager to do just that.

I did the best I could in preparing myself, but it wasn't easy. Just anticipating what was to come made me look kind of like I'd been through the scariest roller coaster. Edward said I looked gorgeous and he didn't care what any stupid reporter chose to write.

Jasper welcomed me home as he held the car door open for me to hop in. Edward finished with the press and fans, then followed me and closed the car door.

"There, it's done. They can YouTube that all they want." He was smiling from ear to ear.

He took my left hand in his and kissed the finger with the ring on it. Then he pulled me closer by grasping the back of my head and kissing me on the lips. He wouldn't let that grin leave his face and I laughed at him. He put his arm around me and I snuggled into him. He put his lips on my hair.

I was exhausted when we finally arrived at the beach house. Once inside, I was astonished to see all the pink roses inside our home. The fragrance was glorious.

I turned and wound my arms around Edward's neck while his snaked around my waist. Smiling widely at him, he leaned down to press his lips to mine. The kiss was long and lingering, with short kisses after, all over my face and neck.

As much as I wanted it to continue, I was still on medication and found it impossible to stay awake any longer.

"Can I have a raincheck? I absolutely have to lie down right now," I pleaded apologetically.

"Of course, I'll help you settle in." He was totally okay with my limitations. He was going to be patient. He was my hero.

As he tucked me into bed, he sang a little song. He said he'd written it for me. It was beautiful and soulful. He had so many awesome talents.

I drifted off, feeling blissfully happy. I slept soundly through the night, not waking up once. Edward was in the bed on his computer, just waiting for me to wake up.

"You should see what is happening on the Internet today. They're going crazy with our story. I've had hundreds of messages for interviews. They're all clamoring to get the exclusive on our engagement. What do you think? Should we give it to them or make them pay?"

He looked at me with a wicked grin. "How much should we tell them? We can control this information right off the bat. If they think they're getting the whole story, they'll be less likely to make stuff up or hunt for more."

He was a lot more excited about this turn of events than I was. It scared the hell out of me. I didn't want my life to be open to the world. I didn't know how it could be avoided though. After all, I was marrying the sexiest man alive.

He was on the cover of magazines, starred in blockbusters, and was viewed on YouTube constantly.

There were fan websites, facebook sites and twitter fan accounts everywhere devoted to him.

And I was snatching the hopes and dreams from all of his legions of fans. They were going to murder me in the press and in cyberspace. I didn't have a prayer of being labeled 'the lovely', or 'the nice, sweet lady' at all.

Edward had called his parents before we left and they would be arriving for a visit.

They, of course, wanted to meet the woman who was going to marry their precious son.

Would they approve? Would they be affected by what was said in the newspapers? How would I win them over, if that was even possible?

I had an idea of what I would feel if I were in their position. Their son with an older woman. And getting married to her, no less. They were going to be horrified. They might just try and talk him out of it. I wouldn't blame them.

It was all becoming a bit too overwhelming for me and I turned onto my side. Edward could sense the anxiety in my appearance and my voice. e He tried to calm me by massaging my neck and shoulders.

"It'll be fine. Please don't get all wound up about it. My parents will love you, too - just like I do. Look, if your mom can accept this, why do you think my parents won't?"

His words were making sense, I just couldn't shake the fears in my head.

The day passed uneventfully for me, in spite of all the hub-bub in cyberspace.

Edward didn't tell me the full impact, knowing I would probably start to hyperventilate, choosing to give me a peaceful day. He tended to me hand and foot, feeding me and making sure I got enough rest.

I had doctor's orders to start a walking routine, so instead of going outside, he bought a treadmill. He put it by the window so that I could look at the stunning view.

Later, after my nap, Edward was beside me reading a script. I slowly turned toward him and stretched. He put down the papers and turned onto his side to face me.

We kissed gently at first, gradually with a little bit more force. It did, of course, lead to more…

The lovemaking was glorious and tender. It completed our reunion.

"Do you know that I love you more than my own life?"

I had to start repairing the damage I'd done to this amazing man. "I couldn't live without you. I wanted to die. And losing our baby was what put me over the edge." I gently took his hand, bringing it up to my cheek, and closed my eyes.

"I know, Tracy. Me too. What you saw the day you lost her… I was just frustrated at the impossible situation we were in. I wanted a baby so much, but I desperately wanted you to live. I didn't know what to do to make it better. I wasn't upset that you or the baby were in my life, which is what I think your perception was. Am I right?"

"I don't really have a good recollection of that day, but you're probably right. I always come to the wrong conclusions, don't I?" I felt deflated, weak.

I was so lost sometimes, not willing to accept that anything good could possibly come into my life. Good things like Edward and this life. I was scared to take security in it, sure that it would be taken away, snatched from under me.

"I don't trust myself anymore. You're going to have to lead me and be my rock. Are you ready to have a totally needy wife?" I let out a short laugh, my brows raised as I gazed at him.

He pulled me into his arms and squeezed tightly. "I can't wait to be everything for you that you need, for the rest of your life, my love. I'm totally ready. It's not a difficult thing for me to take care of you, it's just right."

He looked into my eyes and I melted into his. We entertained soft kisses; some lingering, some quick. He didn't force anything else, not wanting to put too much strain on my body. I wish I could have, but I still lacked the energy.

We watched TV until it was time for dinner. We decided to ask Jasper to pick up some take-out Chinese. We then ate on the deck gazing at a stunning sunset.

Somehow it felt like a different life. So many things had happened to change us individually and as a couple. Even through the bad things, we had grown stronger, together.

After dinner we went inside and sat by the fireplace just staring at the flames dancing among the logs. They never ceased to mesmerize; I could watch them for hours.

I cuddled into Edward's side, stretching out on the sofa, hearing his heart beating. It reminded me of my own heart, which had stopped not that long ago.

I had come so close to losing it all. It overwhelmed me again, enough to make me cry. It took Edward a while to realize this; when he did, he didn't say a word. He carefully placed his hand against my cheek, wiping the tears with his thumb and kissing the top of my head.

He grabbed the throw blanket and covered us with it. It was cozy. I turned and inched my way further up, closer to his head. I tilted my face so that I could kiss him. He could read my mind, I was sure of it.

I ran my fingers under his sweater, tracing random patterns on his chest and ribs until I wandered to his belt. I undid it faster than I thought possible. At the same time, he was busy unbuttoning my blouse and kissing me fiercely. Hearing him breathing so fast, so close to me and to be able to feel the warmth of his body attached to mine, made me ache for more of him.

"You are so pure and amazing, Edward. I don't know what I ever did to deserve your love." My fingers continued trailing…

xXxxXxxXx

Laying on the sofa afterward, we resumed our fire gazing - so right and real and tranquil.

"My love, my heart, you are so beautiful to me. You take my breath away every time I look at you. There isn't a single thing that I want that you haven't given to me." Edward was speaking softly into my ear, sending shivers down my body.

That night was the best sleep I'd had in weeks. I didn't wake up at all until the morning.

Edward was still asleep when I got up. I showered and put on my robe. It was still pretty early so I didn't wake him.

I went to the kitchen to make some coffee and put together a breakfast tray. It was going to be orange juice, toast with jam, some different cheeses and fruit. The refrigerator had been fully stocked for our return.

I waited for the coffee to finish perking, ready to transfer it to the carafe. I must have been daydreaming because I hadn't noticed that Edward had snuck up behind, sliding his arms around my waist to kiss my neck. It made me giggle and I turned around despite his grip, locking my arms around his neck.

"Good morning, handsome." I kissed him once.

"Good morning, love." He kissed me on the neck again. That felt pretty nice, so I hinted at more by letting my head fall back to expose my neck. He caught on and complied. Hmmm. So nice.

"Coffee's ready. Where do you want to eat?" I mustered enough energy to pull away for a few seconds.

"How about on the deck? You look so lovely amongst all those roses." He brushed the hair back from my face, as I struggled with the tray. Then he took the tray from my hands and took it outside. I could handle the carafe easily.

Another sunny, warm day in LaLa-Land. By the look of it, it was a busy day for the shell seekers down at the water's edge.

"So what date do you want to set for the wedding" He snuck in between OJ and coffee.

O..o..O

A/N: Yay! That. Is. All.

And, thanks for reading! There is more…


	33. We're Out There

_Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, the lovely Stephanie M. does._

_I know a lot of you are happy that this story has finally taken a turn for the 'happy'…I told you it would get there eventually._

_Thanks to the most amazing Beta – RandomCran. You are truly a fab person. Everyone should check out her own fic, which she recently began posting on FFn http :/ www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/ s / 7012660 / 1 / Restless_

**ooooXxoooo**

**Recap: Tracy recovered from her miscarriage and traumatic amnesia. She quit fighting and trying to convince Edward he should leave her. Edward finally asked Tracy to marry him, she accepted. **

"Well, I'm not sure. What were you thinking?"

I really didn't mind if it was this afternoon. But I knew that Edward would want some time to plan. It was going to be his first and only wedding. His family would all want to be present. I could understand that. I was pretty sure that my small family would want to attend as well.

"I would like to wait until everybody in my family is able to come. It would mean a lot to me. How about we tentatively plan for two months from today?" He took the back of my hand up to his lips. He lifted his eyes and gazed at me through his long, dark eyelashes.

"How can I refuse you anything?" I pulled his hand up to my lips. He smiled a wide smile that included his eyes.

"You know you can totally make me do anything you want, any time?" I asked him, trying to sound enticing.

"Any time? Any thing?" Edward was slowly inching his way toward me in his chair and pulling my chair at the same time toward him.

"Mmhm… you know that already." I tried to break free from his handmade cage of my chair, but it just made him tighten his grip as he moved closer. His face was now inches from mine and I was trying to stare him down. He had locked his eyes onto mine and both of us were falling deeper and deeper into each other.

We didn't need to utter another syllable. He put his warm hand on my neck as I lifted my arm, putting it around his neck to pull him closer.

Edward's cell phone buzzed. He ignored it and clasped my face in his hands to kiss me. Our lips still attached, he groaned as it buzzed again. I nodded to give him my okay to answer it. He did, but then his face changed from happy to concerned as he replied to the voice on the other end. He hesitated and leaned back in his chair, looking deflated.

"What happened?" I asked after he ended the call.

"That was my director and there was some problem while they were editing. I have to go and re-shoot some scenes. They want me there tonight because they're filming night scenes. I don't want to leave you so soon, babe." Edward looked so sad. I had to make it easier for him.

"It's okay, my love." I placed my palm against his cheek. "I'll be fine. I'll probably just sleep the entire time you're gone, right?" I kissed him to reinforce my stoic declaration.

"I know, but even so, I don't want to leave you."

"Look, you can't seriously expect to watch me 24/7, do you? You have to start living a regular life. I'm only a text away." Of course I didn't want him to leave me either. This had developed into a co-dependency type of relationship. And we didn't care. We were all we needed to each other.

He finally forced himself to leave me alone at home. He said his cell would be on him the whole time, no matter what.

I decided to snuggle in my pj's, climb into bed and watch a DVD movie. I made some nachos and made an event out of it - anything to distract me from being without him.

Edward texted me after each take. He told me everything they were doing and it was fascinating. He thought it was sometimes boring, but the crew was fun to be around and that helped his mood a lot. Sometimes they teased each other and played pranks. He said there were no screaming girls hanging around the set, probably because everyone thought the shooting was done.

My last text to him was sent right before I went to sleep, to tell Edward that he needn't keep on texting me anymore. The last text I received was a whole screen full of x's and o's.

I had one vivid dream that night.

_I was sitting in a rocking chair, holding a baby in my arms. Edward was kneeling at my feet, with a look of desperation on his face. I couldn't understand why he wasn't overjoyed. _

_I was singing a lullaby to the beautiful one. She had Edward's eyes of meadow green, and I think, his nose and definitely the small version of his lips. The hair was light brown, so that could be from me._

_Then the doctor came in and took the baby from my arms. I didn't want to release my hold. I tried to hold on but couldn't, I just wasn't strong enough…_

And then I woke up, sweating and shaking.

Edward still hadn't returned. I checked the clock – it was 4:11 a.m. I had to get up to clear my head.

That dream was too striking and lingered in my head even when I was fully awake. I started to cry as I sat on the edge of the bed. I wasn't sure why, but my emotions just overflowed.

I guess my 'dream' baby was our lost one. Just thinking about that brought all the feelings of loss back with a vengeance. My chest felt like a hundred sharp knives were stabbing it. I went to the bathroom to rinse my face and neck with a wet cloth.

I couldn't get back into that bed knowing I would be all alone in it, so I decided to wait for Edward in the living room and turned on the fireplace. I also grabbed some crackers and milk from the kitchen to keep myself occupied.

I decided to text him, just to let him know I was awake and he could reply to me. I needed contact with him, so I wouldn't feel so alone.

"What is it babe? You ok? Xoxo."He immediately replied to me.

"Bad dream. Couldn't shake it. Needed to 'hear' you. Xoxo"

"Almost done b home soon I'll call asap"

"k-luv u"

"luv u 2"

After that I was a little bit better. It was 4:42 already and I still wasn't tired. I turned on the TV, but nothing interesting was on. Just some reruns of really old sitcoms. Better than nothing, I guessed.

I must have dozed off because I woke up to Edward's key opening the door. Looking at the clock, it was 5:15. He was quickly by my side, cradling my head and shoulders.

"You didn't call." I suddenly remembered his promise.

"Sorry, I guess I was just in such a hurry to get here," he apologized. "Tell me about your dream."

"Ok… I was holding our baby." I looked up at him sleepily, sure it would upset him. "And you were upset, and then a doctor came and pried her from my arms. I wasn't strong enough to hold onto her." I began to sob quietly, then pressed on. "It just felt like all the pain came crashing down on me afresh, you know? I started crying and I don't know, just needed to know I wasn't alone." The tears started falling down my cheeks.

"Oh, baby, I feel so bad for not being here for you." Edward bent over me to kiss me and stroked my face over and over, wiping the tears with his thumbs. "How can I make it up to you?" He was on edge as well.

I made a mental note to myself to try to not involve him next time. It was just too much for him to take on. An overly needy partner – fabulous.

"It's okay. Don't feel bad about going to work. You can't predict when something will upset me. I don't expect you to be here to console me all the time." I was trying to ease his guilt. It wasn't exactly working, so I tried to change the subject by asking about his parents. I really did want to know more about them before they arrived.

Edward told me a few stories about what they were like when he was a teenager. He had always gotten along with them and they had never had a falling out. Despite his difficulties with drugs when he was younger, they were always there to support him. In their eyes, he was their perfect child - their angel. And they were going to lose him to some random woman.

They were going to hate me.

Edward was zonked and finally so was I. We went to sleep and later I woke up to my cell phone alarm, reminding me of a therapy appointment. I jumped out of bed a little bit too fast, and my head swirled as I stumbled into the lamp on my night table. It didn't wake Edward up, thank goodness. He must have had an exhausting night.

I was going to be late. I took my cell phone into the bathroom and called to see if I could switch the appointment to a bit later; they agreed. Since I had a little bit of breathing room, I hopped into the shower, fixed my hair and got dressed. I wrote a quick note for Edward and left it on the fridge door. Jasper drove me to the appointment and waited until I was finished to drive me back home.

Edward still wasn't awake when I returned, so I fixed brunch for us both. I had run out the door so fast in the morning that I hadn't eaten anything. I was feeling famished and a bit weak at the knees, especially after the therapy. I'd have to remember not to skip eating before going there.

Just as the coffee, smelling a bit funny, was in its final gurgling stage, he came sauntering into the kitchen. He was wearing his grey sweatpants, hanging just so sexily from his hips. Edward was combing through his tangled hair with his long, slender fingers. He was so adorable in his just-out-of-bed mode.

He could tell what I was thinking, I was sure, because he quickly developed a sexy grin at the exact moment the thought entered my head. I wished he would reach me faster. I grabbed his waistband and yanked us together so hard we were both shocked by it.

He chuckled and teased me. "Take it easy on me! You sure are a wild one today, aren't you? Why are you all dressed?" He pulled at my t-shirt as he winked at me.

"I had a therapy session, which I almost missed. Luckily, I had put my alarm on and was only 20 minutes late for it. Jasper drove me there and back. I'm so glad he hadn't forgotten."

Edward slowly, sneakily led me step by step backward and soon had me pinned against the fridge door and started to bury his face into my neck, leaving a trail of wet, lingering kisses.

"Umm…mmmm…coffee's ready. Thought I might have put too much grounds in, doesn't smell as good as usual. I made some brunch for us. I didn't have time to eat before I left, so…mmmm…" He was still at my neck. "I need to eat something, sorry." I groaned as I reluctantly squirmed out of his hold.

We took a tray out onto the deck. It was another gorgeous start to another gorgeous day. Edward then turned his i-Phone on and began scrolling through his e-mails and texts. I didn't mind as long as he was here with me in the flesh.

I leafed through a magazine while eating my granola and drinking the orange juice. The coffee didn't taste that great, but Edward drank it. I thought he was just being kind, not wanting to upset me.

"This is hilarious…my assistant, Dana, has received 387 requests for interviews regarding our engagement. I guess we'll have to do something about this. Any thoughts? Do you want to help me sort through this mass of requests with her?"

I knew he didn't want to push all of this on me so soon, but it was inevitable and unavoidable. We were 'out there'.

"Okay, I'll do whatever needs to be done - although I don't know the first thing about how or what to do. Do you really want me there? I mean, would I do any good?" I questioned.

"Of course you will. I need your help. We'll keep it short and figure out the best plan of attack together. I want you to know exactly what is going on because it affects you, too."

"When are we meeting her? Don't forget about my appointments." I really would have preferred to go for a root canal than face the daunting task of what was going to be a media circus.

"I haven't forgotten. I'll call her and arrange an agreeable time. I'll make sure you get time to rest after your therapy. See? I pay attention." He wagged his brows, pleased with himself. I knew he had a lot on his mind and it was nice to know that I was at the top of the list.

We were going to meet with Angela, his assistant, at our home late in the afternoon the next day. I couldn't decide if I felt like a child or a senior citizen having to take naps. I was getting stronger, though slowly. My body had been through a lot in the past year and was going to take its own sweet time mending.

After we ate, we returned to our bedroom to just hold each other. There was something about our embrace that deepened our bond. I fell asleep in Edward's arms, listening to his breathing.

I didn't usually have the same dream twice, but I had the exact same short one that I'd had the night before. I woke up out of breath and shaking. Edward was there beside me and quickly rolled over. As his arms wrapped around me, I began sobbing. He could tell it was the same dream; I didn't have to say a word. I just looked at him with despair emanating through my teary eyes. He gently wiped each eye with the soft pad of his thumbs. And then he kissed each closed eyelid.

"I love you." The only three words he needed to say to help me feel better.

I hugged Edward tighter to acknowledge his declaration. We stayed frozen until his cell phone buzzed.

It was Angela. He whispered to ask me if I wanted to change the meeting. I shook my head. We needed to get everything settled. He told her to be at the house in twenty minutes. I went to the bathroom to freshen up, removing any traces of my crying session.

I had never met Angela before, but I knew she'd heard about me. I wondered if she had any preconceived ideas or opinions about us. Edward reminded me to not worry needlessly.

She was very friendly. And pretty. And young.

I wondered why Edward had not been attracted to her before. She seemed to have a good head on her shoulders and was witty to boot.

She explained quickly how the system worked and we all decided on the best way to approach the media frenzy. We would limit the amount of personal information, especially my medical problems that we would release. No mention of the actual wedding date - not that we knew it.

The interviews were going to be limited to a select few magazines and television shows. They would want to do photo shoots as well.

_Crap, crap, crap_.

I was not photogenic, I reminded them. Edward and Angela both encouraged me to not worry. The professional photographers could get good shots out of practically anybody. There would also be stylists and make-up people available and I knew they'd have their hands full with me. Edward showed his frustration with me and my low self-image with his pursed lips and made no comment in my direction.

After Angela left, I went to lie down again. I was exhausted just thinking about what we were going to have to do in the too near future. My mind was reeling with mental images of all the exposure we'd be faced with. Everyone was going to know who I was and they would all have an opinion about me, especially his fans.

Was I really prepared for their wrath? Could I handle the negative comments? My self-confidence was shaky at best. After the announcement was made, I'd have to not be exposed to any media again for a long, long time. How would that be possible?

"I don't think I can do this, Edward. I'm not strong enough to have myself scrutinized that way. Can we please stop this from happening?" I was desperate, and I could feel my anxiety rising to the surface. I was fast becoming terrified and he could see it in my eyes. He wrapped his arms around me and put one hand on my head, drawing it to his chest.

"Sweetheart, don't worry so much. I won't let anything hurt you. We'll stand together. You won't be left hanging by yourself."

"But you can't stop them from saying nasty things about me, Edward. You can't control everything!"

My breathing was becoming difficult now, and suddenly I was gasping for air. Edward had to get a paper bag for me to breathe into and then instructed me to put my head down, between my legs. He ran to get my anxiety medicine, as it looked like the usual methods were not going to work.

I went to the sofa and he wrapped the throw blanket around my shoulders. He then went to get me something to eat from the kitchen.

Edward decided we needed to get Jasper to pick up some Starbucks cappuccinos for us. I turned the TV on and watched another inane sitcom, as I started feeling the calming effects of the medication.

Edward finally came to sit by me, after putting a pasta dish into the oven to heat up. He had ordered some prepared frozen meals, which came in very handy. I hated cooking. I used to enjoy it and even had used it in the past as therapy for anxiety riddled days.

Edward changed the channel, finding a movie that sounded interesting – _Days of Heaven_. It starred Richard Gere, whom I enjoyed as an actor. Edward thought he was an astoundingly fantastic actor as well. It must have been one of his more obscure films, as I'd never heard of it before. I had seen a lot films in which he'd starred. It turned out to be a pretty good one.

We finished eating dinner just as it ended and then went out onto the deck to drink a glass of wine. It was serene outside, very little wind and the surf was calm. There was a half-moon out. A few scattered clouds could be seen with the moon casting a glow on them. It was so calming, and exactly what I needed.

Edward went inside, saying he had to get something and when he returned, the subtle notes of a song were wafting out from inside the house. He stood beside my chair, holding his hand out for me to put my hand into his. His face was aglow from the moonlight, a half smile adorning it.

He then led me back inside and wrapped his other arm around my waist, pulling me flush against him. I recognized the music as 'our' song, "Leave Out All the Rest", the one which had been playing on our first date. We danced very slowly, our bodies moving as one, rhythmically to the beat.

It was Edward's way of reminding me that it was just him and me. Nobody else could ruin what we had - ever. I stared into his eyes throughout the song and he didn't look away either.

"I want you so bad…" I wasn't sure if it was him or me that had said that, aloud. Our gaze remained unbroken.

~o~X~O~X~o

A/N: Not over yet… Hope you'll stick around… Thanks for reading thus far.


	34. What am I, seventeen?

_I know…here it comes…! Happy, happy times!_

_Thank you all for hanging in there…again – some of you!_

_**Disclaimer: As always…Steph is the Queen of all things Twilight..yadda..yadda…yadda**_

_**Enormous thanks to my Beta RandomCran – I so appreciate your thoughts and hard work. Please check out her own fic on FF :**_

_**http: / www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net /s/ 7012660 /1/ Restless**_

**The Wedding Planners**

As soon as Edward's parents, Carlisle and Esme, arrived for their visit, I was dragged into making plans for our wedding. They were relaxed and accepting of the whole idea. I guess he had talked with them and explained everything and his feelings for me.

Esme was especially gentle, taking the load off me in the plans for the wedding, leaving me with not too much to do**.** I surmised she'd been told about my recent medical issues as there was no way to have kept them a secret from the family. I was sensitive about it and they seemed to sense it, so they didn't broach the topic too often.

Edward hardly left my side during their stay. I could see how they analyzed every word he spoke to me, his tone of voice, every touch he offered and every look he gave me. They studied my responses to him as well.

"I'm stunned by how in tune you two are. It's fascinating to watch. It is so obvious that you two are meant to be together. And I have to admit I was naturally skeptical, what with your age difference - no disrespect, Tracy - I'm sure you understand." I appreciated Esme's honesty.

We were elated that we had convinced them that we belonged to each other. Not that any objections would have deterred us. I should have guessed that his parents would be wonderful people, after all, they raised a truly amazing son. They were obviously in love themselves, always an arm's length away from each other. It was a huge relief to have the support of our families.

His parents stayed in the guest room. Our room was our oasis. It was where we went to really be alone. At the end of each day, and the beginning for that matter, we relished the escape. I was getting so much stronger, thanks to all of my prescribed physical therapy and my soul therapy (thanks to Edward). He was my lifeline, my anchor.

The wedding was to take place at Edward's friend's house in Malibu, on a beautiful outdoor patio which could hold about a hundred guests.

It was surrounded by trees a century old, which made it impossible for any airborne paparazzi to garner any kind of shot of us. We also were erecting a huge canvas tent, where we were going to have the reception. A dance floor was to be installed after the meal.

His friends and family were flying in from all over the globe, as were mine. We were booking a whole floor of the Hollywood Hills Hotel for everyone.

His mom was having the time of her life with the planning, although Edward and I always had the final veto. Thankfully, she had the same tastes as me, meaning that I didn't have too many problems with her choices.

His dad was keeping Edward occupied when I was napping or in therapy. Although I did miss his silent company while I rested, it was good for him to reconnect with his father.

One day, we made a detour to a jewelry store in town. We had to pick out our wedding bands. Wow. I couldn't believe that we were actually doing it. As I stared at the bands, tears started to stream out of my eyes so I couldn't see clearly.

I gasped, covering my mouth with one hand and looked at Edward, who noticed my hesitation. I was struck by how amazing he was. It made me even more emotional and I slumped in my chair, covering my face with my hands. He put his arm around me and asked the clerk to give us a few minutes. Fortunately, there was no one else in the store.

"Oh my love, are you all right? Is it too much for you? Are you exhausted? Am I pushing you too fast?" Edward was so concerned that he was doing something wrong that it just made me feel that much more grateful to have him in my life**.** He placed a lingering kiss on my forehead and began stroking my hair.

"No. I'm just overjoyed and I guess my emotions are overflowing. I just realize how much more I love you every day, and how fortunate I am to have you love me back. I can't fully believe all of this is really going to happen… to me."

"You astound me, Tracy, at how you think you're not worthy of good things. I will have to prove it to you every day. You are going to believe it soon enough." He tilted my face up to kiss the tears off, then covered his lips over my trembling ones.

We were finally able to continue with the ring purchase and chose two matching platinum bands with three rectangular cut .25 carat diamonds. We both opted for something to be engraved on the inside, but decided to keep our messages a secret from each other until our wedding day.

When we arrived home, I was exhausted and excused myself to go to lie down on our bed. Edward stayed and chatted with his parents in the living room.

I was relieved to quickly fall asleep as an annoying headache had begun in my forehead. When I woke, Edward was lying beside me and I could hear the clicking sounds, and I realized he was messaging on his i-Phone. I slowly turned onto my back and stretched.

I then rolled over to face him, putting my arm around his waist, slipping my hand under his t-shirt. Slowly, I slid my hand across his chest and down across his ribs, then his abdomen. I stopped briefly at his waistband before moving my hand under his boxers. I turned my mischievous eyes up toward his. He quickly put away his previous distraction and looked at me, smiling back with a smoldering gaze.

How we could turn each other on in an instant was beyond me. The spontaneity added to the excitement.

He was my priority in this moment. And I was his.

He slid his hand behind my head, pulling me close to his heated lips. His leg hooked my own, where I could feel his growing warmth on my stomach. I inched closer, deepening my search for a way to seal our bodies together.

His body… so perfect… so sensual… so… mine.

The heat emitted from us should have melted us into one, the way a soldering gun melts copper.

I wondered why we still had our clothes on. I swear I thought he could read my mind as he began pulling my t-shirt, up and over my head.

In his haste, he yanked off my capris, completing the effort by pushing them off with his foot. I was already midway through removing his remaining articles of clothing, and Edward assisted me in a feverish state.

Through it all we rarely broke contact as our lips and tongues thrashed around each other in fervent passion.

Holy moly.

How he could get me into the state where I was panting, arching, yearning for him with the mere feel of his naked skin against mine was a sign that we were made for each other, in mind, soul and body.

"Please… please… Edward." My moaning was in agreement to his touch, begging him to 'fait accompli'.

OxOxOxOxOxO

When we finally emerged from our sanctuary, we found that his parents had gone out for dinner. They had left a note to say that Jasper was driving them, which meant that we still had Edward's car to use.

We decided to go see the sunset in Malibu. There we found a small deserted parking lot by the highway with an amazing view. Afterwards, we drove for a while and stumbled upon a cozy Italian restaurant just off the main road.

It was a romantic, quiet establishment where the food was as good as homemade and the welcoming and friendly staff was all part of the same family. They appeared to not recognize who Edward was, giving us the privacy we rarely enjoyed.

Not even when he paid with his credit card did they acknowledge or gush over him. Edward appreciated that. We lingered over dessert, intertwining our fingers on top of the table and gazing into each other's eyes. We were wholly mesmerized by each other, even at this stage of our relationship. He fiddled with my engagement ring for awhile, looking at it. Then his gaze turned to me.

"You realize that I would give you anything your heart desires, don't you? And I want to give you a wedding gift. But I want it to be something that you truly want." He hesitated, and then looked to me, searching my eyes.

"Edward, my only love, don't you know that there isn't a single thing in this world that I need, other than you? With the exception of…" I couldn't continue that sentence. He knew as well as I did what my feelings were. And I understood his.

We ached for our unborn child. The extension of our love for each other - never meant to be. This was incredulous to me, as I had never consciously thought I had wanted another child before experiencing our loss.

"What if we could somehow make another miracle happen? There are other, safer ways." He looked at me somewhat unsure, expecting an unwelcome response, I think.

I was speechless. I couldn't think straight. What exactly was he saying? How did he think that could happen? I was confused. The look on my face must have been expected, because he took my hands between his and squeezed them tightly, never taking his eyes off mine.

"I know it's probably too soon to be even thinking about another baby, but perhaps after we've been married awhile. I don't know… I just want parts of us to live on, proving our love for each other. I would never put you in danger again, though. There are options."

Oh no! That's when it came back to me. That thing in the back of my mind earlier in the afternoon, just before… I couldn't think about it. It was too terrifying.

I couldn't tell him. I didn't want him to worry needlessly. He'd been through too much already.

How could we have not taken the right precautions?

We had succumbed in the heat of the moment, forgetting everything else but each other.

Edward mistook the look on my face to reflect my horror at the subject he was proposing and deferred it to a later time, apologizing**.**

I became severely quiet after that, which he interpreted as rejection. We drove in silence to the beach house, where his parents were waiting for us. I tried to regain my composure for their sake, and listened intently to their adventures that afternoon.

My mind kept wandering; remembering that dark, scary place, terrified that my past disappointment after the loss of our child could possibly happen again.

"Tracy, I can't wait for you to see the flowers I was thinking of for the altar and the aisle. We'll have to go to the florist's tomorrow. Maybe we can make a day of it, you know, have lunch before the florist. Or will that be too much for you?" Esme's enthusiasm was unavoidable, so I tried to put my most excited face on.

How was I going to handle the feelings boiling inside of me? How could I contain them?

She was so eager to get everything done. I guess she figured that would help me, considering my condition. My condition? What exactly was that? No, I couldn't go down that road yet - again.

"Tracy… Tracy? Are you ok?" She touched my arm, trying to snap me out of whatever planet I had flown to.

"Ummm… yes, sorry, where were we?"

I couldn't do it! What was I going to do? The panic was building inside me. I had to get it together, not to draw suspicion.

"Yes… ummm… tomorrow… would be good. I'm not sure about lunch though. Depends on how I'm feeling after therapy. Can I tentatively say yes to that?" Hopefully, I was talking normally and not wildly out of control, like my mind felt at the moment.

"Let's go for a walk on the beach," Carlisle interjected. We all looked at him, surprised at the suggestion.

Could he sense the tension in my voice? Was he trying to change the mood, not knowing what exactly that was?

We all agreed and left through the back deck stairs. It was dark, but the moon cast its reflection over the still waters. It illuminated the sand as well and we had no trouble finding our way, not having to stumble over rocks or driftwood.

After approximately half an hour I could feel myself losing stamina, so I begged to return. Not a problem they all said.

As I was walking up the steps of our deck, I became slightly dizzy and stumbled down a few stairs, managing to scrape and probably bruise my shin. Carlisle happened to be behind me at the time and stopped me from slipping further down.

"Whoa there… are you okay? Do you feel dizzy?" He kept his hold on me until I steadied myself. I shook my head, deceiving his instincts.

Feeling completely embarrassed, I quickly ran up the steps. I went into the kitchen and got out a glass to pour myself some water while leaning against the counter. Edward came to me in a hurry, leaving his parents to enjoy the night air on the deck.

"Are you okay? What happened? Let me see your legs." He examined my shins and took some ice from the freezer. He had me sit down on the easy chair in the Great room, turning on the fireplace to replace the sudden chill in the night air which had crept inside.

I felt a little bit foolish, not being more careful with my steps. The shock was wearing off and it had begun to hurt. Great. That would look good with short pants or a skirt on. I guess I'd have to wear long cotton pants or something for a while.

My energy was spent and I felt like I couldn't even make it out of the chair after sitting there for several long minutes. I was lost in thought, staring into the flames as Edward was busy getting a glass of wine for his parents. After giving us time to collect ourselves, they had eventually come back inside.

The conversation eventually led to Edward saying that he had to go to a post-production meeting for his latest movie in the morning, but he didn't think he'd be all that long. Jasper could drive me to my therapy appointment.

I wondered silently how I was going to make an appointment with the doctor as well – without Edward suspecting. My mind reeled as I thought back to the past weeks, there having been numerous occasions where we'd been less than careful. I excused myself to go splash cold water on my face, feeling the heat of anxiety creeping.

When it was finally time to get ready for bed, I was so relieved to slip under the duvet. Never had my pillow felt so right under my pounding head.

I watched as Edward slipped out of his clothes, trying not to blink even once. He astounded me daily.

I was unable to see him as he brushed his teeth, and couldn't wait until he appeared at the doorway once again.

Mmm… a smile spread across my lips at the sight of him as he sauntered to my side of the bed. He slid under the covers, hovering over me.

We began our kissing ritual, but then I slowly retracted, telling him I was feeling way too tired. He sighed in understanding and continued rolling over onto his side. Not wanting to face him, I slowly rolled to my other side, grasping my pillow as I tried to reign in my fears.

It was torture as his finger traced an invisible line down my back, up and down again. And then he kissed and sucked at the tender skin on my neck and shoulders with his lips, teasing me.

I wanted so badly to turn around, but used all of my willpower to stop myself. He finally relented and turned to lie on his back. We talked for a few minutes and then I fell asleep, mid-sentence.

XoXoXoXoXoX

A few days later his parents left, promising to return well before the wedding to help with any last minute arrangements. I told them that my sisters would be here to help as well.

They couldn't wait to meet my family and were already planning a big family dinner so that everyone could meet prior to the Big Day.

It all sounded complicated to me, my thoughts jumbled, but I smiled and said everything sounded great. If they only knew how much I was panicking inside, overwhelmed.

For the next week, I woke up each day feeling like a huge weight was on my head. It was difficult to lift myself up off my pillow. I was so slow at getting up that Edward was beginning to become seriously concerned.

I hadn't told him anything about my fears. I wasn't going to until I knew for sure, one way or the other. I would suffer by myself and not burden him with it.

Fortunately, he had to work on a new project which kept him out most days and evenings.

It was convenient as I mostly stayed in bed all day anyway. I felt too weak to do anything.

My brain couldn't stop the thoughts that invaded it.

Edward had arranged for the doctor to pay me a house call, as I said I was too tired to go to his clinic. I had stopped my therapy sessions due to lethargy.

I just couldn't get it together enough. I had started to slide backwards into depression. The doctor came one morning and I could barely get out of bed to answer the door.

He immediately assessed my mental state and began asking me questions about what might have triggered this lapse.

"So Tracy, how long have you been feeling like this? Do you remember what started your downward spiral?"

"Yes, I remember." I was totally deadpan, lacking emotion.

"Go on," he prodded.

"Edward was hinting at options for having another baby. And I had known that something had been nagging at me. And then it suddenly hit me. We had not used precautions consistently since we returned here. I don't know why, or how we never thought about it. I'm just stunned. That's it."

I was mortified. Here I was, a grown woman, reasonably intelligent, and unable to face a potential pregnancy.

_What was I – seventeen?_

"Okay, so we will need to do a pregnancy test, right?" He spoke matter-of-factly.

**~o~x~o~**

**A/N: We are approaching the end. I thank everyone for reading. It would have been nice to have heard from more of you, but oh well. My one-shot for FSAA will be posted onto FFn I believe at the end of the month, so watch out for and read that one. It's a bit different. I also wrote another one-shot prior to that one for Fandom Fealty, which I am not sure when I will be able to post. I'll keep you posted! If you're interested, click on Author Alert and then it will be easy for you to know when. Just a thought.**


	35. I'm Positive

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I'm just playing.

Many, many thanks to RandomCran for her fantastic Beta skills. You are very much appreciated and loved. Please check last chapter's rec's for a link to her new fic – Restless - now 4 chapters in. It's great! And check her hubby's fic's out as well – Morgan Locklear.

"What?"

Didn't he know that this was going to totally change everything? EVERYTHING!

I suddenly started gasping for air again. The doctor grabbed the paper bag, which was left on the coffee table from the previous episode. This was happening far too often.

"I happen to have a sample bottle with me. Why don't you go to the bathroom and fill it?" Again, he spoke matter-of-factly.

I was stunned. This couldn't really be happening, could it? Not again. I tried not to panic. To wait until there was a reason to panic. Why waste all that panic on a maybe?

The doctor left with the results of my life in his bag.

Once at home, thoroughly exhausted, I went right back to bed.

Edward returned early that day and found me sleeping in the early evening.

"Baby, what's happening? Are you sick? What did the doctor say?" He was beginning to panic himself now, not understanding my withdrawal.

"He'll call later, I think. Just tired. Sorry, didn't know you'd be back so soon." I buried my face into the pillow, facing away from him.

He left me alone, sensing it would do no good to keep badgering me with questions. He could tell I was keeping something from him. I began to cry into my pillow.

I had to stop. It was agony waiting for the results of the test. It could make the difference between going through with the wedding or not. I wasn't brave enough to face the scrutiny. This made me cry again. Then Edward walked in silently, stopping halfway inside the door. He watched as I sobbed.

"Tracy, what the hell did the doctor say? Please tell me. I deserve to know, don't I?"

"No, you don't deserve this," I answered and began sobbing anew.

He stood there and I could see him trying to think about possible reasons for my actions. I think he must have figured it out, because I heard a gasp as he staggered and fell back into the easy chair beside him.

"Oh, no…Tracy. Do you think…? Oh…" He was floored. The colour had drained from his face.

I couldn't respond. I didn't want to make it any more of a real possibility than it already was. I just shook my head, praying he wouldn't say any more. I pleaded with my eyes for him not to go there. I put my finger to my lips, shaking my head.

Edward finally came over to hold me. He rubbed my back gently.

"I'm sorry… I'm so sorry…" It was all I could to say to him.

X~X

I had somehow fallen asleep again. Edward was lying beside me, holding me in his warm embrace. When I woke, I slowly turned onto my back. He relaxed his hold on me slightly. He was awake. I couldn't look at him yet. He stroked my face with his fingers. I kissed his fingertips as they passed over my lips. Then I finally lifted my eyes to his. Edward had a gentle smile on his face, his eyes full of love. He pressed his lips to mine. I almost felt like crying again, but I had nothing left inside.

"It'll be okay, love, it really will. Don't worry." He was consoling me.

Just then my cell phone buzzed. Panic rose up into my throat. I couldn't answer it. Edward took the phone from my hands.

"Hello. Yes, hello, Doctor. Yes, she's here right beside me, but she can't talk right now… yes… uh huh… thank you. We'll come to the office tomorrow, then. Good-bye."

"What?" I asked with a crackly voice.

"He was calling with the test results. They're… positive. Don't panic. We'll go see him tomorrow."

"Don't panic? How is that even possible? Edward… I don't know if I can do this again." I was panicking - big time.

"Tracy, stop. We'll talk to the doctor and I'm sure there are tests he can do to prevent anything bad from happening this time. We'll be prepared."

He was so unusually calm that it was helping to settle me down. How was he doing that? How would we prepare? What exactly did he mean by that? Was he hoping that I'd carry this baby to term? Of course he was. He'd said before, that it was the only other thing in the world he wanted, besides me. _Oh._ That thought just paralyzed me to my core.

"I'm scared." It was all I could say and it summed up all my anxieties. I couldn't even think beyond that. I couldn't think of the possibility of actually being pregnant for nine months and actually giving birth to a baby. That was too far down the road to think about. The fear was too intense.

"Me too, babe. Me too. You will not be alone. I won't allow that to happen again. Please know that. Don't keep anything from me again. Okay?" Edward was holding my head up with his fingers, facing each other, to make sure I was really listening to his vows.

"Okay, I will. I know you know me and the thoughts in my head right now. I do trust you with my life."

"If you feel too anxious the doctor said you're allowed to take the medication again tonight. But let's go for a walk on the beach first. Maybe that'll calm you down."

"Okay, I'll try." My knees were feeling a little wobbly when I got up. Edward was right beside me and helped me steady myself. I grabbed a sweater and slipped into my flats. He made sure to give me support on the way down the steps, too.

The walk was a good idea. The fresh air cleared my head. Just looking at the water and the moon and the stars was so peaceful; it all diluted the angst inside of me.

When we returned home, we sat on the sofa. I curled into him and watched the flames dancing around the logs. Edward put on some relaxing music and sang into my ear softly.

It was heaven on earth. I was happy. Everything would turn out fine. Edward would take care of me and I would never be alone again. I knew that I could return his promise by giving him the gift that his heart desired. A baby - God willing.

I could not sleep that night, my mind racing with the what if's, should have's, and the maybe's. I was uncoordinated in the morning as I tried to get ready for the doctor's appointment. My brain wouldn't work right, and I jabbed myself with my toothbrush and made my gums bleed. I couldn't get my hair into any decent shape either.

Edward tried to ease my anxiety by kissing me, which only worked while he was kissing me. If only we could kiss non-stop until we got there. Maybe we could? After all he didn't need to drive, Jasper could. Despite my nervousness, I liked that idea and when I suggested it, he was all for it, too. He'd make the sacrifice if it would help me. Funny guy.

"Relax, okay… I'm trying, I'm trying. Let's go then." I really was trying; trying to be casual. Just going to my doctor, with my very young fiancé, pregnant with our baby… Or, was I going to have the worst day of my life, doctor lowering the boom on my pregnancy, fiancé leaving me? I didn't want to go, afraid of what the verdict was going to be. Maybe it would be too dangerous for me to proceed with it, or maybe I'd have to undergo surgery.

If Edward had not been with me, holding me firmly with his arm around my shoulders, I might have bolted out of the clinic. Once inside the doctor's office, I became increasingly edgy and twitchy. Edward held my hand and rubbed the back of it soothingly with his thumb.

The doctor finally came in and my heart jumped to my throat. He flipped open my file. I couldn't tell by his face what he was thinking. I looked at Edward, who suddenly looked very nervous. He tried to smile at me, but it ended up being a half-hearted attempt. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. He squeezed my hand and continued to hold it tightly.

"All right, you two. I wanted to discuss strategy regarding this pregnancy with you from the start. I don't want to wait at all to do the proper tests. Due to your history of ectopic pregnancy, we'll do an ultrasound to check things out first. Then once we know the results, we'll talk about what will come next. I don't really want to get into too much regarding the what if's. Just one question I have for you which is of importance. Would you be considering abortion if it is not an ectopic?"

The question was like a bombshell. I wasn't sure if I'd really been thinking in that direction before this moment and I certainly didn't know if Edward was either. We couldn't look at each other in that instant, not wanting to see what expression the other had on their face. The doctor took in our faces and sighed. He wrote something down in my file then looked up at us, waiting.

I finally looked at Edward. I had never seen his face in such a distorted expression before. It looked pained and scared at the same time. I squeezed his hand, so that he would look at me. He did, but slowly, anguish in his eyes. Instinct told me that he had never even considered that thought.

"No, doctor, we will not consider abortion," I answered confidently for both of us, keeping my gaze on Edward. I squeezed his hand again. I was smiling. He squeezed my hand back and then he took his other hand and wrapped it around both of ours.

"Ok. Then we'll do the ultrasound right now. Come back here to my office after." The doctor walked out, leaving us stunned and alone in his office.

Edward stood and pulled me up, wrapping his arms around my waist so tightly I could hardly breathe. I felt safe. There was still a hurdle to jump over – the ultrasound. We walked out of the office to the secretary's desk and she gave us the form to take to the ultrasound technician on the second floor, Room 202, where they'd be waiting for us. We walked slowly hand in hand, still numb.

The test took only ten minutes and the technician didn't want to reveal too much, but she said there was no ectopic that she could see. It was way too early to actually see the fetus in the womb with any clarity. The doctor confirmed her diagnosis when we returned to his office. He wanted to monitor me every week for a while, just to make sure I was physically up to this pregnancy. He said he wanted to be extra vigilant and catch any problem at the onset and deal with it quickly. And that was the end of our appointment. Edward thanked him and shook his hand. I could tell there was relief in his voice.

We got into the car and Jasper started driving. I suddenly started shaking and it sounded like there was a freight train in my ears. I was having a panic attack.

_Oh god! Not here! Please!_

Edward just put his arms around me and rubbed my back.

"It's all right, babe. It's all right. I'll take care of you. I love you." He didn't freak out or anything. He could handle it. I had underestimated him all along. He had such strength; enough for both of us. I just buried my head into his neck and silently cried. We stayed in that embrace for the entire ride home.

I went to lie down on the sofa and turned the TV on. I didn't even change the channel, not caring what I was absently staring at. We seemed to watch the TV like that a lot lately.

Edward came to sit at my feet, which I then put on his lap, and turned his attention briefly to his iPhone. He was done with that quickly and turned to me. He rubbed my legs and feet, which took some of the tension away. I was calming down.

I think we both felt sort of lost. We didn't know what we should do next. Edward looked at his iPhone and said it was time for lunch. He wondered if we should order something in, or have some fruit and cheese with crackers. That'd be fine, I answered. I got up with him to help. I couldn't just sit there, doing nothing. We took our platter out onto the deck, out of routine in silence. We ate in silence as well. I hesitated looking over to him. I hadn't thought of the correct thing to say yet. I guess he felt the same way because he said nothing.

I coughed after a little bit of water went down the wrong way.

"Are you okay?" Edward sputtered, clearly panicking. He jumped to my side, patting my back.

"Relax, I'm fine. Just something went down the wrong way. I'll be okay, really. I guess we should talk, Edward." I coughed again in an attempt to further clear my throat. Then I sat back in my chair, crossed my legs and then my arms. I gazed at him as he slowly calmed himself.

He wasn't smiling. "I'm calm. I don't know what to say. Are you sure you want to do this? It's your decision. I know you know your capabilities, I will trust them. Can your nerves handle the strain?"

"I know what to expect and that helps, I guess. I'm usually pretty attuned to my body, so I'll feel it if something is too much. I guess the wedding will be a lot of pressure. Thank goodness your mother has already done most of the hard preparations. When my sisters and Amy come, they'll be able to pick up any slack. I'm not going to regret this decision, Edward. I want you to be happy."

I dropped my eyes down to my hand wrapped in Edward's capable one and smiled, lifting my gaze up to meet his. He lifted our hands up to press his lips onto the back of my hand. He closed his eyes, as his lips lingered a few moments and then slowly opened them, tears welling up. I couldn't help myself and got up to sit on his lap, ready to wipe any escaped tears. I placed a kiss on the top of his head and tousled his thick curls.

I hoped our baby would have his hair, his eyes, his mouth… everything, the same. He would be the most beautiful baby.

A/N: We are in the home stretch, people… the end is nigh.

Please…the Drill!

Psst… it's safe… I won't bite you.


	36. The Beginning The Final Chapter

_**Disclaimer: S. Meyer owns all things pertaining to Twilight. I do not own a damn thing.**_

_**Millions of thanks to my amazing Beta, RandomCran. You are so very much appreciated, thank you for sticking it out to the end.**_

_**So, yeah – Tracy is pregnant, again. And it's a few days before the wedding. *sighs***_

**YES. We have reached the end of the tale of these two unlikely lovers. Their path wasn't an easy one and I appreciate all of you for hanging in there. You guys rock.**

**EPOV**

My brain could not process this information. Again.

It couldn't be happening. Again.

We were finally on our way to our happily ever after. Again.

What god in what universe is allowing this to happen? Again.

I knew that we had been having the best sex ever. But why hadn't we even had the sprinkling of an idea about contraception? What were we - seventeen?

That fact and that we had been through the horror of losing one baby should have made us wiser. Fuck!

I don't think I could bloody well watch Tracy go through that kind of torture again. Everything inside of me screamed at the merciless gods in our lives to fucking give her a god-damned break!

The look of desperation on Tracy's face was palpable. The fear radiated from her every movement. Her eyes betrayed her words.

If left to her own musings, I knew she was likely to spiral downward and I had to stop that from happening. It was my most vital duty. I had to get my shit together and be the man she needed me to be.

We had an appointment with the doctor in a few days to discuss the 'situation'. She was trying to be stoic and positive, but only for my sake.

Bloody hell.

I could feel the fragility of the tethers holding her from falling to pieces. Her eyes were wildly scanning every room. I wasn't sure what she was searching for, but I kept physical contact with her as much as possible. She had to know that I was there for her. I wouldn't let her down. She could fall apart and not do it alone. I had to shove my own freak out to the outer edges of my mind.

Freak out. Yes. I was pretty damn close to that myself. I had to keep it from happening. Could I? I wasn't sure. Time would be the teller of this tale.

Perhaps our combined will to survive this obstacle… Obstacle? It was a baby!

_That's nice, Cullen. A fucking obstacle! You have the potential to be a father… a paternal figure… a role model… someone another living individual will depend on for their very existence. And you call that person a 'fucking' obstacle? Sad. You're a freaking side show, Cullen. You don't know your arse from your brain. Get your shit together… and damned fast!_

X-X-X-X

The doctor appointment came none too soon. We were both crawling up the walls, not knowing what the hell we were doing. I think we were on auto-pilot. We'd wake up, eat breakfast, read on the balcony, eat lunch, nap, eat dinner, watch TV, go to bed. The cycle repeated itself every fucking day until the appointment.

I didn't think I took my eyes off Tracy for longer than five minutes at any given time. I was always on alert for signs. Signs of, you know, problems. The same problems which had previously resulted in the loss of our baby not that long ago. Any miniscule change in her mannerisms, normal movement or breathing - any fucking thing - and I was about ready to call 9*1*1.

I obviously was on hyper alert mode. I think I needed to be on valium or something. I was so uptight that I could feel the metal coil wound up inside my gut, ready to implode.

Finally, the appointment. The doctor was reassuring. We both breathed a collective sigh of relief.

We could do this. We had to do this. Tracy wanted to do this. For me, for us. She was an awesome individual whom the gods had blessed me with. There had to be some rhyme or reason to what we were going through. There damned well better be.

I didn't know who or what I had to destroy if things went badly. But I sure as hell would find out and it would be a bloodbath. That was a given. It had to work out. This had to be our happily ever after. Life couldn't be so cruel as to not give us this piece of joy.

We were silent on the ride home. Until her panic attack hit at the halfway mark. Jasper pulled over to the side of the highway on the shoulder. I began patting her back and coaching her on her breathing. How many times had we been through this? This taste was all I needed to make me seriously consider ending the pressure Tracy was feeling. But I just couldn't do it. She wanted this. She was making the ultimate sacrifice, for us. We would figure this out. We finally managed to continue our journey home.

Home - to our future. Our future. Our family. Family? Would we be adding another member to our little 'family'? We started praying each night. From somewhere deep inside of us we yearned to know that a higher power could dictate our future. And if we believed hard enough he would listen to our fervent prayers. Prayers for life. Prayers for good health. Prayers for protection. We clung onto that with everything we were worth.

Tracy began reading books on divine intervention and guides that taught how to pray effectively. The house became littered with books of all shapes, sizes, colours and thicknesses. I think she actually had read every single word of every single book, even the author's notes and bibliographies. That's where she picked up the names of other books to buy and then read those as well.

I think it was her brain's coping mechanism; keeping itself occupied and full of knowledge to crowd out any negative thoughts. We didn't really have lengthy conversations. She was continually reading.

I wanted to distract her from that, but every time an attempt was made she would just sulk and drag herself around until I relented and let her get back to it.

I was beginning to become truly concerned when suddenly one day she just stopped. No warning. No gradual slowing of pace. She just stopped and sat there. She was deep in thought.

I was scared as hell to find out what she was thinking. She didn't look sad. She didn't look happy either. The vibe she emitted was one of contentment. I didn't know how I could exactly tell, but that was the only emotion I saw on her face.

I slowly walked over to where she was sitting by the fireplace, knelt before her, took her hands in mine and gazed into her sky-blue eyes. Those were the eyes I'd fallen in love with on the first day we'd met. I could dive into them and never feel the need to say a word. But I had to say something. I had to find out what had changed.

"Baby… you stopped reading. Tell me, why?" I squeezed her hands lightly to coax an answer from her. That's when a single tear escaped her right eye, traveled down her cheek and jumped off onto her bosom, where it was absorbed by the fabric of her t-shirt. I watched the wet stain swell, fascinated, until I refocused on her.

I shook my head slightly then with concern and asked her again. She looked as if she might answer as her lips parted and her tongue caressed her upper teeth. But no. Not a decibel escaped her mouth. I squeezed her hands again. Her eyes suddenly became full of moisture and her facial tone turned pinkish. Her emotions were brimming.

"Tracy... please… tell me… " I implored.

She took a deep breath and with the softest whisper said, "this baby is going to be our little angel… sent from heaven. A baby… I know it… for certain now. I feel as if God has given me a sign. I'm not scared anymore. And you shouldn't be either. We should rejoice, Edward. Our baby will be with us." As she finished, the tears were falling like a faucet with a broken seal. I joined with her, believing what she said. Her joy was enveloping me. I began to tear up and my words were choking me.

"Honey…" I couldn't finish. Part of me was skeptical I had to admit, but I didn't want to admit it to Tracy. She needed every ounce of positivity around her right now. I could see that without it she would shatter into a million shards. I was only too happy to help her in any way, even if I wasn't one hundred per cent a believer. I wanted to be proved wrong. I begged the powers that be for that small miracle.

X-X-X

Before I knew it the plans for the wedding were well under way and Tracy was keeping her participation at a tolerable level. She was very careful to not overdo anything. She counted on her sisters and my mother to handle the bulk of the duties. I was extremely proud of her for being so disciplined. She had a goal.

With each passing day I began to believe that we would get there - to our happily ever after. The finish line was so fucking close we could visualize it. The finish line being the wedding altar and the birth of our baby.

We spent quiet evenings mulling over small details, writing them down for our 'planners' to look over in the morning. They were so deeply vested in our wedding. It was truly heartwarming to witness. Tracy was so at peace with everything and it showed in the glow on her face. It was definitely a glow. A pregnancy glow? A bridal glow? All of the above, I finally surmised.

My bride. So beautiful. So full of promise. So full of… life. So fucking adorable.

There weren't enough words to fully and accurately express my feelings for her. I knew there had to be a God when I looked at her. How else had this amazing woman come randomly into my life? We were true soul mates. Even after everything we had endured.

Tracy was incredibly stubborn and determined to do what was best for me. But even her determination couldn't keep us apart. My love for her was even stronger, fiercer. I wouldn't let her go from my life. I would not release her hold on my heart. There was no other option. No other plan. We were destined to wind up as a couple.

As the day drew closer, I began writing my vows to her. It wasn't too hard to express into words even though I felt they weren't strong enough for the deep emotions I had. They flowed out of me easily. The only trick was to be able to speak them in front of everyone. People might have thought that would be the easy part since I was an actor, but they were so wrong. Acting was easy, saying someone else's lines was easy. These were my lines. My personal lines, from my heart to hers. I wrote them as clearly as I could so that in case my eyes became full of… well, fuck – tears - I'd be able to see them still.

The fittings for the tuxedos happened at our home, as did the fitting for Tracy's dress. She wouldn't let me see her of course, citing the old wives' tale of it being bad luck and all. Shit. Bad luck was not something we could take a chance on.

We had a small wedding party pre-wedding dinner/practice held some days before the actual event and everything went smoothly. Tracy looked calm and together. I pretended to be that as well. I didn't need her to know how totally freaked out I was becoming with every passing minute.

It wasn't that I had a single reservation. No. I was just anxious to begin the next part of our journey together - the one to the finish line and our happily ever after. I knew I'd said that before, but that's just the way it was. All the fussing would be over and we could resume our new normal lives. Waiting. Waiting for the baby. I could already feel the change inside my heart. It was slowly expanding to allow more love in.

Tracy's body was slightly rounding, beautifully. She was absolutely stunning. I had never been around a pregnant woman before, but every idea that might have passed through my brain was so wrong. She was a sight to behold. I wished I could paint; she was so magnificently lovely.

I wanted to preserve Tracy's glorious beauty forever. So I had a brilliant brainwave. I hired a photographer to come to the house and take her portrait every month until the birth. It would be like a diary to monitor her growing beauty. She was self-conscious at first but agreed, seeing how much I desired her pregnancy to be recorded. The smile she gave on that first photo shoot was the sweetest I'd ever seen on her face.

The night before the wedding, I stayed at James' house. It was sort of a bachelor party. I had pretty bad memories of staying there previously, but those were quickly erased by my excitement factor that night. James wanted to keep me calm so had planned a quiet evening watching fight club type of programming. He invited Jasper and a few of my other actor friends from my current movies join us. We ordered pizzas and drank beer. I didn't want to get too smashed so I gave myself a cut-off at four beers. That was just enough to get a slight buzz.

My nerves had built up over the evening and when it was finally time to hit the sack I dropped like a lightweight. I didn't even take my pants off. I had extremely vivid dreams again. Those damned escalators… so many of them. But this time I could see Tracy on one of them and we were both heading in the same direction - toward one another. We were finally going to meet up! I was excited and wanted to just run down the stairs, but my feet were stuck in place. But for some reason this did not get me frustrated. I knew that nothing would stop me from reaching her and that knowledge was enough to calm me.

Reaching the bottom at the same time as Tracy, we were finally together. I scooped her up in my arms and twirled around with her for what seemed like an eternity with her giggling in glee.

"My love, my love… finally you're with me in my dreams…" I crooned into her ear.

"I know… my sweet… I know… I've waited for you for so long," she answered.

There were waterfalls in the center of the escalators and we stood watching the water cascading over coloured lights. It was a joyous time for us both.

It was around this time that I began to slowly awaken from my slumber. I stretched and heard a few creaks. I groaned as I realized my body had been immobile the entire time I was asleep.

Then it suddenly dawned on me. Today was the day!

"The Day!"

I couldn't stay still any longer. I jumped up and hopped into the shower. I sang a song to Tracy while the water beat down on me. I wasn't sure where that came from but I made a mental note to remember every note. It was pretty damned good.

After I finished and put the towel around my waist, I started to shave. My hair just needed to have some gel mussed into it. Tracy had told me how she wanted me to leave it. She said she loved it 'fucked' up. Who was I to argue with the woman of my dreams?

I could hear James stirring in the kitchen and it smelled like he was making a pot of coffee and some toast. I wasn't sure if I could eat, but it was great of him to go to such trouble. I stepped out of the bathroom still wearing my towel, wondering where the suits were placed. I was just too nervous to remember where they were. James was in control, of course, and laughed at my comical reactions. I started to laugh too out of pure hysterics. I didn't know which way to turn.

I had to calm the fuck down.

James said that the coffee was decaf. He had a pretty good hunch that I wouldn't need any extra stimulants on my wedding day. His calm demeanor rubbed off on me, for a while anyway. Recalling my song from the shower also seemed to subdue my jangling nerves. I sat down at the upright piano James had and began to try and burn into memory that piece. It was my love song to Tracy.

Tracy. Fuck, I loved that woman with all my soul. I wanted to call her. I asked James if I should. He just shrugged and then silently laughed at me. He thought I was an idiot. But that was only natural for the day of the wedding. He told me he'd been through it once before himself. Huh. I had no idea he had been married. I felt like an ass. I should know something about people I worked with, I thought. I was not a very good friend, or boss. I apologized and he just waved it off. No biggie for him.

The clock was ticking. It was T-minus ninety minutes. Holy smokes! I could feel the bundle of nerves in my stomach building and getting tighter.

I tried to distract myself by watching TV. There was actually an interesting biography on about James Dean. It captivated my attention and I didn't know how, but I completely forgot about the wedding for one minute. Until James came in with the suits.

Then the rest of my groomsmen arrived. Wow. They were a handsome bunch. Well, not a bunch… three of them. Jeffrey, my best bud since I was eight years old. We had grown up on the same block and attended the same school all our elementary years. We were inseparable. We would fart around in the mud puddles, making potions and digging for worms on wet days. And there were a lot of those kinds of days back in England. Shit it was good to see him. Just seeing him settled my frayed nerves immensely.

Then Jasper, of course. He had really become a great buddy too. We had had countless convo's about life while he drove me around the various cities that I had worked in. He was my link to reality when things got out of control. He also had been invaluable with Tracy. He escorted her around and I didn't have to be concerned about her when he was looking out for her. He was a truly reliable gentleman. I was proud to have been given such a great friend.

Then the Best Man… James. Yes, James. Who else would I pick? He had been with me through thick, thin, crazy, shit-bat crazy, addictions, misery, elation, despair - to just name a few of my myriad of life events. He had pulled me through all of these, sometimes kicking and swearing my foul mouth off. I didn't even think about the fact that I paid him handsomely for his efforts any more. He had far exceeded his duties. He was acting as a friend.

Shit. I was a blessed man.

Sixty minutes to go. Holy fuck! I ran to the washroom to throw up. Good thing I'd only consumed I dry piece of toast. I could hear the group laugh, muted. They were concerned of course, but also found this a little bit too hilarious. As I slowly came out of the washroom, I looked at each of their anxious faces.

"I'm ok… really," I tried to convince them. They looked dubious but proceeded to all get dressed and fixed up. We shined each other's shoes one last time for good measure. Then my Dad arrived.

Holy fuck! This meant it was time to leave for the church. The church! Holy…

He looked supremely handsome in his tuxedo. I wondered what Mum was wearing. She had looked for the perfect dress for weeks. I knew her well. And of course, she would look stunning. My Mum was a looker, or so I'd been told by many people. I had to agree, although I didn't really look at her like that. She was my Mum. You know, a nurturing person in my life. She was the light of my Dad's life. We all revered her. I hoped to instill that type of reverence for Tracy by our child…or children, if we were so blessed.

Oh wow. A family. Tracy, me and…? Blew my mind. Seriously.

Dad pulled me out of my reverie. It was time to leave. I suddenly got all jittery and rambled on about nothing. Dad put his hand on my shoulder to get me to focus.

"Edward! It's fine. She's fine. You're fine. Relax. Breathe," he instructed.

Oh, yeah… breathe. I took a few really deep breaths. That helped. Wow. If I couldn't remember to keep breathing, I was scared what would happen at the altar.

~x~o~x~

**Tracy's POV**

~x~o~x~

The family was all gathered at a ranch in the hills of Napa Valley for a reunion before our wedding. There were about thirty-three people from Edward's side and they came from England, Spain, Australia and New York. My side was a bit less, with twenty-four. They mostly came from Canada. Everyone had place cards at the tables, arranged in such a way so that each one had a mix from both families. We were determined to get everyone acquainted with each other. One big happy family. As happy as Edward and I were.

It was a serene location, with plenty of open space. There were animals in nearby barns and the food was delectable. The weather cooperated and we were able to spend the entire time outdoors. There were tents set up with inside seating so that no one had to be out in the direct sunlight. There was also a pool, where anyone could take a quick dip if it got too hot. It was a very hot day but there was little humidity, which helped.

Edward and I were together, constantly wandering and talking with each family member, catching up and getting to know them all. It appeared that they were all getting along famously. We were elated with the big day approaching quickly. Two more days.

Edward had planned a honeymoon, but wouldn't even give me a clue as to where in the world it would be. I would have been thoroughly annoyed if it wasn't for all the excitement and things to do for the ceremony beforehand. The tasks at hand kept my mind too occupied to think about it.

My sisters quickly made themselves useful, doing whatever Esme asked them to tie up any loose ends for the wedding ceremony. The catering was all taken care of by a company, so nothing really had to be done foodwise, except approve the menu. I thought I could handle that one all by myself. Edward was so easy-going and agreed with whatever I decided. We had the photographer booked as well, using one that Edward knew from one of his magazine layout shoots. I had even completed the final fitting of my wedding dress so everything was ready. It was good that we had planned for this early date, considering my pregnancy. I was still too early along to have a significant baby bump showing.

Thankfully, my nausea subsided in time for the wedding. It was only pre-wedding nerves that made my stomach queasy. Amy was my one bridesmaid. My sisters understood that we wanted to keep the wedding simple. Edward's best man was James.

My sisters helped me get ready and tried to distract me in order to calm my nerves. It only eased them by a small fraction. How could I not be nervous? I was marrying the most handsome man alive and I was having his baby. It was a fairy tale come true, although the bride had never been the older sister of the princess.

My sisters, sisters-in-law, mother, daughter and mother-in-law were taking me out on a girls' night out on the night before the wedding. It was somewhat of a bachelorette party. Edward's closest male friends were also getting together on the same night.

Our last night alone was after the reunion, after we made sure everyone was going to be set up for the night and we left to go home. His parents were spending their nights at the Beverly Hills hotel, along with the rest of the clan, and were looking forward to spending time with relatives they rarely saw.

Edward and I went for a walk on the beach in the moonlight. He was very excited already and it showed in the way he was talking a mile a minute about everything to do with the wedding. He was so happy it made me happy too. I couldn't erase the smile from my face the whole evening. Suddenly he stopped in his tracks. He looked worried.

"I'm sorry, Tracy, I'm rambling. How are you feeling? Do you want to back and have a rest?" He turned us around and started walking back. "You must be tired, you didn't get a chance for a rest all day. It was great fun seeing everyone getting to know each other, though, wasn't it?"

"It was fabulous. And…" I gave a short laugh, "don't worry, I'm okay. Yes, I am tired and ready for bed. But not too tired…"

I turned around to walk backwards facing him and grabbed his collar to pull him to me. I had gotten a sort of second wind now that I was nearing my second trimester. I knew I should enjoy it while I could, as it would be short-lived. My first pregnancy had shown me that in the last trimester I could be incredibly tired, very early in the evening. But you never knew.

He was very careful with me, helping me with my balance when going up the stairs to the deck. Once inside he poured a glass of water for me and a glass of milk as well. I got washed up and put on my pajamas, then headed for bed. He waited patiently for me and then did the same. I hadn't fully realized how tired I was until I slipped under the covers. It felt so comfortable and my body just sank into the luxuriousness. I turned on my side to face Edward and he did the same, putting one arm around my waist. I cupped his cheek with my hand and gazed into his eyes. Slowly his lips overtook mine, so softly and so full of emotion.

That kiss completed the most wonderful of days. A day full of family, laughing, eating, talking and fun. It was fantastic to be able to get everyone together and share our joy. We were most fortunate to have the resources to make that happen.

In the morning we slept in. it was so unusual not to be awakened by a phone call or text. Neither one of us was in any hurry. Everything was ready. Nothing left to arrange, no phone calls to make, no fittings to squeeze in. I couldn't believe the day was just twenty-four hours away and then I would be Mrs. Edward Cullen. It was a name that a million other teen girls and women probably daydreamed about and wrote in their diaries. But it was me. He truly loved me and wanted to spend his life with me. We did have this baby on the way, which cemented our commitment to each other. Nobody outside of our family knew about that little gold nugget of information though.

I finished packing for our honeymoon. All I was told was that it would be in a warm climate. Pack lightly. Bring semi-formal attire for dinners, so high heels needed to be included and some jewelry. I didn't really have much, but I'd gone out with my sisters on a shopping spree and fortunately found some nice baubles, which matched a few dresses I'd also purchased. It had been a great day – shopping and then lunch on Rodeo Drive. I was getting used to this life and didn't feel intimidated by rich people as much as I had when I first arrived in California. Most of them weren't too bad. It was the old money crowd that looked down on the new money crowd. I tried to ignore their attitude and treated them as normal people. This sort of endeared a few of them to me.

My sister reminded me that I should enjoy the anonymity while I could, because after the wedding it would not be the same. My picture would most likely be plastered in every magazine around the world. The thought of that made me cringe. Ugh! That was the only thing in this whole scenario I was fearful of. I'd just have to cling to the reality that Edward's opinion was the only one that mattered and I could get through anything.

The girls and I went to an extremely fancy restaurant, which had an area for dancing as well. I wasn't drinking, obviously, but still managed to enjoy myself thoroughly. No one really drank to excess, so it was a fairly controlled party.

We were driven by a car service as Jasper was with Edward's group that night. My sisters, mom and daughter stayed at the beach house with me. It was convenient so that they could help me get ready in the morning. I'd decided to hire a make-up artist and a hairdresser to come to the house.

Edward had dozens of pink roses delivered to me, as well as brunch and Starbucks' assorted coffees. He was the most amazing person. Here he was attending to our needs and I could barely handle getting myself dressed. Everyone was impressed and oohh'd and aahh'd at my fortune. I was just happy to be able to share my joy with them. And they seemed to be genuinely thrilled for me.

They were going to stay in California at our beach house for another week after the wedding and were going to do all the tourist stuff. Edward had arranged for them to have a private tour of the studios where he had filmed his last movie. They'd also meet a few celebrities. They couldn't wait. He hadn't told them who they were meeting and were so excited to see whoever it might be. I knew but was sworn to secrecy. They were going to love it.

It would only be minutes now. I stood inside the home of Edward's friend, waiting for my cue. My mom was walking down the aisle with me. That was really good, as I'm sure that my knees would be wobbling pretty badly and didn't think I could make it on my own. She had given me an old necklace, which had a blue stone heart. The dress was new. And I was borrowing my sister's garter. All set. All I needed to remember to do was breathe, so I wouldn't pass out.

And then I could hear it. Our song. I took a deep breath and looked at my mother. She was smiling at me and gave me a kiss on the cheek. We started walking slowly out to the path of pink rose petals. As I approached the aisle, our family and friends stood up. I paused and had a big surprise. There, standing near Edward was a male soloist, singing our song, live.

I scanned the crowd quickly and at last my eyes reached Edward. My heart stopped for a brief few seconds. He was absolutely stunningly handsome in his black tuxedo, accented by a pink tie, cumberbund and pocket kerchief. He was slightly blushing as well. It was the most beautiful sight I had ever seen. His smile widened as soon as he saw me and I could see his eyes jumping for joy. It made me giggle and the smile stayed on my face until I was by his side.

He took my hand in his and I saw the surprise when he felt how cold mine was in his warm hand. I shrugged just a little. He put his other hand over it to help warm it up. I mouthed the words 'thank you' to him and he responded with his own 'thank you'. I wanted so badly to kiss him and I couldn't wait for the formalities to get us to that point. The minister kept the vows as short as possible on his part. We had written some of our own. I wasn't sure if my voice would work, but I'd try. It was for Edward and I'd concentrate on that.

"I promise to make your life wonderful as long as I live. You have given me the most amazing gift – yourself. I don't want anything else, just you. Your love was such a surprise to me, when I thought that my life was over. You have saved my life. I know I don't deserve this second chance at happiness, which is why I treasure it all the more. I love you, my precious."

"Your beauty is only surpassed by your lovely heart. The way you love me is all I ever want out of life. I promise to give you all the love you need for the rest of my life. I am also grateful to God for giving us a second chance and for the precious gift coming from it. I will be true to our family and promise to take care of you and our baby. I love you with my whole heart."

The minister finally pronounced us as husband and wife. Edward grabbed my arm and turned me to face him and took my face in his hands to kiss me. I kissed him with as much force as I could in return. As an old cliché we didn't make it a short kiss and we could hear giggles and ahem's from our audience. We finally stopped and laughed as our eyes sparkled mischievously at each other. Then we turned toward them and they applauded. I held his hand tightly and he brought it up to his lips to kiss it.

When I looked up at him, I saw Edward's eyes twinkling like stars, the most beautiful sight in my world. I turned to face him again, and wrapped my arms around him. He bent down to kiss me, his hand cupping my blushing cheeks.

And forever.

**A/N: 'Final'…this is IT, bb's…THE END!**

**Please if you have never reviewed…just let me know if you read it. You don't have to say anything else. Thank you.**

**To my awesome faithful reviewers: You ROCK! You have made it totally worthwhile, when I thought I couldn't go on. I know it's an angsty one…you hung in there…I appreciate it so f-much.**

**I LOVE YOU ALL. *tears***


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